Help, boring, almost nonexistent sex life

[Paininmybummum]

Hi, I am looking for some advice. Been married 15 years, together for 20. For the first half of our relationship our sex life was pretty good, pretty active, although I've always had a higher sex drive than my OH. But this latter half, and it seems to be getting continously worse, our sex life is just so boring, and so infrequent that I feel so lonely and undesirable.

I have raised our sex life a number of times and he always says the same thing, yes he loves me, yes he finds me attractive, then either the same night we've talked or the day after he'll make some godawful cringy pass and I just end up feeling as though I'm having to almost beg for it. There is no spontaneity, no passion, no sexual tension, nada. Even if I've spent the day flirting with him either on the phone or via text, the responses are lacklustre and when he gets home it's the same damn routine every night as if the days flirting never happened. If, and it's a big if I get lucky he rolls over in bed, plays with boobs for 90 secs, hands straight down to my clit for 5minutes, stops when I'm panting then rolls on top of me and 10 minutes later its all over. I'm lucky if he'll accept a bj, very lucky if I get it doggy, and I can say its been over 10 years since I recieved oral sex. Its always on a Saturday night. As of today, we've been on holiday for 9 days now, and not once have we had sex.

I feel so, so, desperately lonely and starved for company, affection, physical love, passion dare I say it. And often cry myself to sleep.

In every single other aspect of our marriage and life together he's a wonderful man and father, but I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. We have talked about this a number of times over the past few years, but it Always slips back into the same identical pattern after maybe two or three slightly different sex sessions. I feel like I need to understand, because I'm beginning to hate myself, hate what I look like, question my own sexuality and sanity. Has anyone else experienced this? How do I talk about this so he really really gets it? Do you think he has just totally lost his mojo? Does this happen? I feel totally lost. I'm so sorry for such a long post, thank you so much for reading this far.

I think, ultimately, the problem is that sex is very important to you and it is not important to him. There’s a fundamental mismatch. How old are you OP? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

You value sex, more than he does.

Don’t put up with this though. The rest of your life will be very miserable.

I am in my late 50’s and wished we had sex daily, DH is happy with once a week. We now compromise however, I had to spell out how important it was to me.

Don’t let him be dismissive

op
I had this in my marriage, but the shoe was firmly on the other foot. I loved my xw, but there was almost no sex in our marriage (maybe three or four times a year), and I have a high sex drive

I simply couldn't live without regular sex, so we divorced. Of course, now I'm a single 50-something male, and finding a woman with a similar sex drive is proving difficult, to say the least, so think about what you want from the relationship, and maybe tell him very firmly what you want, and don't let him get what he wants, until you get what you want!

Oh OP I could have written this post word for word as in identical situation!!
all aspects our relationship is good but non existent in the bedroom. When it does happen (once a year maybe) then like you it's stale and routine and over in minutes. No passion or spontaneity - just boring.
I have more fun getting myself off which can't be my future. I need more!

Hi OP I am sorry for you and believe your frustration. However I know how your other half feels as I don't particularly enjoy sex and to be honest do it begrudgingly whenever dh wants it. I probably don't make him happy but I do genuinely love him.

Thanks for everyone's replies. I'm in my mid 40s, we both are. To answer questions, I honestly don't know if I could leave him, at the same time I feel as though I am slowly losing myself from the inside out. I've always been pretty confident, certainly it has helped feeling desired, I've always been a very tactile person, but none of this has changed in the last 20 years. I'm still in pretty good shape even after 3 kids, but emotionally not so much as I feel shut out, desperately lonely and very unattractive, but that's what rejection does after a while I guess.

I think I was after some advice for help? I don't really want to leave our marriage, I do love my OH very much. Where do I go from here? Can we get help? Has anyone else gone through this, rather than down the divorce route? Thank you all so much for your empathy and support and advice.

Op,
If your oh is open to it, you can try couples / sex counselling, but I'm afraid it sounds like it will be a hard sell for him.

The sort of thing they might suggest is no piv, but sessions of just touching each other, to get re-acquainted, so to speak. If you think he would go for it, that could be a good route, but you both have to be committed to making things work, and I'm not sure he is / would be, from what you say.

If he isn't having sex with you, is there any possibility that he's getting it elsewhere? (sorry)

How old are your kids? is it possible he feels he is in competition for your attention / body (this might explain the no sex on holiday)? Young kids can be a libido killer.

I've just realised he won't accept a bj. That stuns me - I can't think of many men that would refuse... Sudden horrible thought - could he be gay (or bi)?

Hi paininmybummum, I’ve been married 40 years, right from the beginning our sex life has been non- existent, my dp has never initiated sex, I think they are asexual, we have argued for 40 years, I have realised today ( after yet any meaningless argument ) enough is enough and am planning to leave, please don’t waste a lifetime as I have

I’ve been in this situation as well, again similar to other posts, it was my wife who wasn’t bothered rather than me.
Every other part of our marriage seemed fine and she really didn’t see a problem if I ever raised the issue and tried to talk about it.
I found it very hard to deal with on a daily basis. Actually it wasn’t just the physical intimacy but also the emotional intimacy that was missing.
OP, I hope you can fix things. I ended up feeling like a sex maniac or pervert but I think I’m just a regular guy with a regular sex drive.
Best of luck OP

Hi OP

I could have written this. I completely relate to your feelings of rejection and that you're not attractive enough etc.... I will qualify by saying I'm sure you are very attractive so please don't let this knock your confidence.

I left him recently as I was so unhappy with the lack of connection. I know its harder for you as you are in a marriage (I wasn't)... does he know how close you are to walking? Maybe you need to make it clear to him?

I sugested to my DP that he see the doctor and check out his testosterone levels. Apparently its common in men in their 40's and an easy 'fix'? He didn't bother and after 12 months I can't waste anymore of my life.....

I hope it works out for you. Sorry I don't have better advice.