What a mess

[Butyoubutme]

Started dating a new man post-divorce. I am 37, fit, financially independent, 3DC. He’s 53, good job, normal human being in most respects, also divorced with grown up children.

We have been together for six months and started having sex a week into the relationship and we have not yet managed to have penetrative sex due to his inability to get hard. Most sex we have is oral where he is about 25% hard.

He was previously an alcoholic so had an addictive personality and he has told me that in the past (and probably still now) he has been addicted to porn. He is into quite extreme stuff sexually. It seems like there is nothing anymore that can satisfy him. We have phone sex when we travel for work and it takes hours sometimes to say any combination of things which actually make him come. Stuff I would never do in real life and stuff I have no interest in (gagging/choking/fisting/BDSM/talking about inserting enormous dildos/violent gangbangs.) He even talks about wanting to watch men have sex with each other because he finds the aggression a turn on, but insists he is not gay or bisexual (despite admitting to sleeping with a man once, but finding it embarrassing.)

Also despite the fact that he has never ever been fully hard, he talks about (and wants me to talk about) his penis like it is a Demi-God. He wants me to beg for his come, to praise his penis in every possible way, to “worship” it. He sends me texts which say things like “worship me. Worship my cock.”

I have found empty packets of viagra in his bag multiple times which I have seen him taking before he thinks we are going to have sex ( he doesn’t know I know.) They never seem to work because he stays soft.

I am an attractive, fit 37 year old, who he pursued for a year before we got together. How has it got to the point that he has never been able to get hard with me?

He is such a normal, nice, emotionally available person and fun companion in every other respect.

Is it porn addiction? Is he gay? I just don’t know anymore.

Just to add - he fantasises about penetrative sex too - both Piv and anal, but it never happens. He just physically cannot get hard enough for it to ever work, despite taking viagra. I don’t know what to do about the gap between the fantasy and reality anymore.

Fantasy has outgrown reality. No going back now. He needs therapy.

I don't see this working long term myself.

You aren't compatible in what you actually like what with him liking 'extreme' things and you not and he is so addicted to porn that he can't sustain an erection even with viagra.

Sorry, but he needs professional help and you need to move on because he will erode your self esteem.

Can you honestly see this going anywhere?

Holy shit. You need to run a metric mile and then some more.

Run while you still can

He's past the point of no return as regards sex and emotions, it's very worrying that he's peaked to the point, that barely anything no matter how extreme is hard enough for him.

I would be worrying where that might lead to op, he really does need to see a very experienced professional ref sex, but ide hazard a guess, there's a lot more going n beneath the surface .

Think about cutting your losses op, I wouldn't want for something ugly or illegal to crop up in the future. This must be soul destroying for you.

yuck, run for the hills
You can do far far better than a porn addicted impotent guy 20 years older.. he must have already done a number on you if you even need to ask.

Dump!

Sorry but this doesn’t sound good at all.

I would leave whilst you can. You aren’t sexually compatible.

I would leave and not look back. He needs help.

I can't read and run on this one.
Firstly, the gap between fantasy and reality is exactly the same distance between your partner's ears. He has the wherewithal to kick the porn addiction (and I am 100% certain he is addicted) by using his imagination and willpower. You don't sound squeamish about discussing sex (more of this later) so have you asked what it is about porn that keeps him coming back for more? I expect his answer will be along the lines of finding the "perfect" image/video. But he must have viewed thousands of such images. Can't he use his imagination instead and remember his "favourite" and/or concoct fantasies involving you? Because what is happening is that when he tries to have sex with you his brain is jangling with this pornographic static and he can't focus on you. If he can wean himself off porn he will find his erections will become stronger. It will take months but the brain is an incredibly plastic organ. Google "Your brain on porn" for more info.
But there are some red flags. You mention incorporating choking into sex talk. This is a big no-no for me. I am frightened that it is becoming normalised (but that's me). And an inability to get an erection whilst using Viagra hints at a physiological problem. And why does he need to look at porn anyway. Is he stressed and looking for an outlet (he previously used alcohol).
You have tried to describe a complex human relationship in a few lines of text and there's been the usual LTB reaction but that's because the posters genuinely have your best interests at heart. If there's the slightest hint his behaviour is showing signs of becoming abusive then leave without a backward glance. If you think this person can change under their own volition and become the best person they can be then maybe that's worth sticking at?

Where are all the porn defenders for this post?

How's his physical health in other respects? Weight, blood pressure, exercise, etc. Can that be eliminated as part of the causes??

I’d run a fucking mile away from that. He’s only going to get more floppy and he’s clearly still addicted to vile hardcore porn. He sounds like a totally vile pervert to me. Porn is harmful to women and he’s watching women be objectified and sexual slaves. You are 37 he is 53 - didn’t even grow up with porn - he’s vile.

Has he been to the GP? If so, what has the GP said/prescribed?

When he watches porn, is he able to orgasm? Is this a case of desensitization and/or death grip?

Jeezo, get rid of him! He is punching well above his weight and his sexual preferences and fantasies are a bit scary. There are so many decent men out there with a healthy interest in sex, don't get dragged down with this one. 💐