Sex life rubbish, could you live with this?

[RewildMe]

I’ve been with dh since I was 21 - I’m late 30s now and the sex has never been brilliant.
It started out ok ish but then I found he’d given my chlamydia after telling me he was definitely clean. He has never liked using condoms. After that it left me with a range problems - I don’t know why as I didn’t have it long - but we never really got back on track. Sex became painful and has remained so ever since really. I don’t know if it’s a psychological thing.
He doesn’t seem that bothered and the only time we’ve ever really had much sex was when trying for dc. He won’t give oral sex and his idea of foreplay is to ram a couple of fingers in and out of me as hard as he can for a few minutes and then climb on. It’s over in less than ten minutes. He always comes and I never do. Unless I finish the job myself after.
I feel like I could have another 40 years of this. It’s not the only thing wrong in our relationship but to me it’s becoming more and more of an issue. He doesn’t seem hugely bothered about having sex, although he usually instigates it when we do because actually it’s so rubbish that I don’t bother anymore. We probably have sex a couple of times a month but that’s a recent development. Until a few months ago it was less than once a month. I asked him if he was happy with our sex life and he said yes.

Sounds like a lazy selfish porn addict tbh.

It sounds like he has never really learnt what good sex is...have you tried to educate him in the earlier stages of your relationship?

I am certainly with you and would feel really upset and lost if that was my sex life. My thoughts were where is the cuddling before, kissing, touching, massaging me (and him), feeling him and both having oral, talking dirty when really aroused and on special occasions perhaps dressing up in sexy lingerie or even an outfit.

Not all at once mind but it is about keeping things fresh, desiring one another and also feeling connected to each other

The difficulty you have is after years of that, it isn't easily fixed but perhaps an honest talk, understand his thoughts and feelings and take it slowly?

Let us know how things go

I don’t think he’s a porn addict.
He just seems to have a really low sex drive or maybe he doesn’t fancy me? I don’t know. Certainly I don’t fancy him, given the years of no effort crap sex. I think if he was bad at it but making some effort it would bother me less, but the fact it follows the same script every time: kisses me for a couple of minutes. Shoves fingers into me. Has full sex. Comes. And then that’s it. Usually I’m sore after because of how rough he is with his fingers and to be honest I’m glad it doesn’t last long.

Speaking as a bloke....sounds awful! As MarieG10 says you need to talk and educate if possible ....if not it may be time to reassess your relationship all together.

Have you discussed the oral thing with him? Personally l wouldn’t let someone inside me who wasn’t prepared to do the oral thing.

It’s uncomfortable for you because you are not ready, but you know that. Next time he tries to climb on, tell him straight, not yet!

But at the end of the day, this isn’t about sex, it’s about communication.

He says it’s boring (oral) and takes forever. So I think even if he did it now I’d just feel conscious that he was bored and it wouldn’t be a turn on. It’s ok if he doesn’t want to, I mean it makes me sad, but it’s personal choice like everything else. If other things made up for it it wouldn’t be so bad.
It’s just that it is over in ten minutes and I’m left every single time having not orgasmed and he doesn’t care. And I know I can because I have with other partners and also with him when he used to take a bit more time. Essentially I feel he can’t be bothered - as long as he gets what he wants then he’s not interested.

OP
Time for a proper chat with him. Tell him how you feel, and what you want.

tmi, but you don't say if you are "ready" for him when he starts - I'd suggest he actually may be assaulting you?

I’m going to get shot down in flames for saying this, but you have needs and l think it’s time for a discreet friendship.

Sadly, I’m always amazed at people who suggest the sex was never that good. We deserve more.

You're allowed to stop him. Take his hand and say 'not yet tiger'. Get him to put lots of lube on you. Then at least you won't be in actual pain.

Talk dirty? Even if he won't lick you at least you can excite yourself talking about how amaxing it would feel?

Then LTB when you're ready. It really, really doesn't have to be like this.

For me, the question is this...why are you allowing him to "ram a couple of fingers in you as hard as he can"????

It's unfathomable! Why don't you tell him to stop that immediately??

OMG this sounds almost like marital rape,,this cant go on,its dreadful. you deserve better, are you thinking of leaving?

Arnold it doesn’t feel like rape, it just feels like really bad sex and that my husband doesn’t really care that it isn’t pleasurable for me. I could cheerfully never have sex again (with him).

OP You really need to have a heart to heart with him.

Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for both parties, and if it isn't, then you need to either stop, or tell him

Is it possible there might be another woman?

I don’t think so. He’s here all the time. But if there was it wouldn’t particarly bother me.

I'm not sure why you have put up with this for so long, but you need to stop this now. Your sex life sounds truly awful, and if my dh was doing this to me, I would not be having sex with him ever again. Maybe time to show him the door OP..