Very painful sex

[TreacleToes79]

DH and I have had a very sporadic sex life with some long dry spells of up to 18 months. We had sex again recently and it was very painful for me. I am up to date on swabs and smears and have no other symptoms. I can only think it’s either vaginismus or a hormonal imbalance or possibly lack of use!!

Does anyone have any ideas of how I can tell the difference?

I’m 40, have regular periods, no menopausal or perimenopausal symptoms.

I’m beginning to worry that it might be psychological.

Thanks.

I should add that the pain started 1/3 of the way in, I was well ‘prepared’, plenty of lubricant, it felt like I was being torn with glass, no other symptoms, 10/10 for pain.

Were you fully aroused before actual PIV intercourse? Arousal causes the vaginal walls to relax. Without full arousal it could hurt after not doing it for a long time.

I’m not 100% sure. I think I could have been more aroused and relaxed.

There are some emotional factors/betrayals at play in the relationship and I’m just wondering if that could be part of it?

It certainly could. I've been where you are (re trying to get over betrayal) and I think it's bound to play a part in your physiological responses. All the lube in the world doesn't mimic the actual physical arousal response the body would otherwise melt into.

I found that until that actual physical 'melting point' of readiness happened, (where you can actually feel the warm melting sensation), then I would still be tense inside and it would hurt.

He had to re-learn how to make love to me in a way that worked for me under the changed circumstances of trying to move on from hurt and betrayal. What worked for me involved massage and focussed attention, gentleness and a good deal of patience from him, and trust from me.

Sometimes now (it's been years and years since the betrayal) I think I could be up for a quickie but if I do, it still hurts. It's as if my body is still tensed up inside even though my mind has moved on. IYSWIM.

Thank you humblebumblebees. Do you think if you had split up over the betrayal you would still have had the issue with someone new? I keep mulling over these thoughts.

feel the warm melting sensation
I don’t think I know what this is which is perhaps telling!

I think trust is crucial to being able to fully relax so when broken it definitely has a detrimental effect. But I can't be sure if I'd be OK with someone new because I had / have some pain from episiotomy scar to get past which didn't (doesn't) help.

The melting feeling is hard to describe! But it begins like an aching deep inside and then sort of dissolves into a warm melting sensation when the vaginal walls are all relaxed and ready. That's how it is for me anyway, if foreplay, time and wine have all been plentiful!

Sex with ExH always hurt at first and I had to overcome the pain bit every time. I assumed this was just how I was because of past trauma. ExH would always go right in too.

Now I'm with someone else and I was convinced I would have the same issue and warned him he needed to take his time. Turns out I don't actually have any issues with it at all. New man takes his time going in. So little bit at a time until he can tell I'm stretched and comfortable enough for him to go all the way in.

I think my issues were I wasn't hugely into my ex, I had a lot of doubts that I tried to ignore but when it came to sex, I'd tense up. I'm all over new man and can't get enough of him so I'm not tensing or having any doubts.

I bet yours is psychogical OP.