Im not confident enough to initiate sex

[SteadyAreYouReady]

I’ve been married for 9 years. If I’m being honest it’s a completely one sided event. I just feel, lost. I’m in my 30s and I wouldn’t even know how to start. It’s just always been this way, he doesn’t seem to mind but I bet he does. I just chicken out.

It’s stupid, I am so much more confident in everything else in my life but when it comes to sex I just freeze. Wtf can I do

Everyone is different....Here are a few things my partner does when she is in the mood. So try gentle steps like popping a hand inside his shirt and you are on the sofa watching tv etc....stroking his chest. Or try kissing him. My partner starts kissing my neck. Or when you get out of the shower second and he is in bed pop On some sexy undies instead of pj's. If he is second showering and you are in bed already go back to the shower to get something...wearing not much. Us men are pretty visual!

Thanks Sparky, in fact that last sentence really is key isn’t it.
It’s funny, he brought up something along the lines of this, he said I never ask him to do things I enjoy. I told him I actually get too shy to ask, and he didn’t expect me to say that because day to day I’m not shy in anyone’s eyes!

Afraid so...men are simple creatures. Ladies are a continual source of mystery. Ask him to please you and he will be only too willing go oblige I am sure!

My DW never initiates sex and it is a constant source of frustration for me. It is always me and makes me feel like a sex pest as I have to find out if she is in the mood and 75% of the time, the answer is no. She is desireless and passionless!

Aw that’s a shame! 99% of the time the answer is yes here so I can imagine you feel a bit neglected and undesired. I just don’t want my other half to feel that way

I'm exactly the same @SteadyAreYouReady. Imitating sex leaves me mortified but I don't really know why. I'm confident in lots of other areas of life. Like you I never say no when my OH initiates either

If you don't initiate sex, at some point he will feel unloved and unwanted.
If you think that is worth you being able to not try then that's up to you. I am sorry the too shy word is a cop out and an easy excuse to think of yourself as not to blame.
Can you image how you would feel if he acted the same as you?

You can be confident as hell in all other areas but sex can be a big taboo around this for women.

I was brought up being told that women had to "put up" with sex as a price for having a man. If you enjoyed sex then you were a dirty immoral slut. If you asked for what you wanted in bed then that was proof you were a whore and deserved to be sexually assaulted. (Thanks mum!)

Sometimes it felt like an invisible hand over my mouth. I'd be wanting to scream "for fucks sake stop sucking my clit and lick it you clown" but I'd feel shamed into silence. Because if I expressed any sexual desire then that meant I was a thorough slut and must have been "asking for it" from my abuser.

You have to unpack this, and that could be an uncomfortable process if these taboos have been further ingrained by sexual abuse.

It's a painful and scary process. Having a supportive partner who knows what's going on will REALLY help. The first time you say "Do you want to have sex" or "Suck my nipples" or "Put your finger in me" will feel terrifying. But every time you express your wants and needs, it gets easier.

And my god it's worth it! Not just because you will have some great sex, but because every time you express your needs, you will feel more and more confidence.

You can do this OP