Other half to ill for sex - I'm struggling!

[rocketqueen1979]

Other half is really poorly - medically ill and needing surgery type of ill, not just under the weather. I'm really worried and stressed by it all BUT (and I feel like a huge bitch saying or even thinking this .... I'm going mad with not being able to have sex.

It's been over 6 months since we've had any bedroom activity and likely to.be at least that amount of time again before we can even think about trying it out. Before his ill health we would have sex or indulge in some fun sexual activity at least once a day and spend the whole day in bed quite often at weekends. Sex was a big part of our relationship.

I miss the physical intimacy, but I also really miss the sex!

I can't discuss this with him as the last thing I want is for him to feel bad when it's completely out of his control and I'm guessing he's missing sex too (although he is on a lot of medication and that seems to have stopped him even thinking about sex when combined with the illness - which is understandable.)

I have toys that we'd normally use together, but our homes tiny and I don't like to use them as he's always indoors and I feel itd be a huge kick in the teeth for him to find me using a toy. I

Anyone whose been through similar got any advice?

I'm sorry you're both going through this. If you have used toys together then can you not still use toys? Is he too unwell to lie with you/hold you while you use them. I'm sure he loves you so wants you to be happy and he'd rather you communicate with him. If it were the other way round you'd want that too right? Remember he is not just your lover, he's your partner in life and you can share this just like you shared your mutual sex life.

OP, firstly, for your oh. I understand why you think you can't talk to him, but as this is such a problem for you, I really think you need to.

Speak to him gently, and with love. I'm sure he will understand.

Is there a possibility that whatever he is going through might mean he will never be able to perform again? I hope not for your sake.

Would he find it hot and enjoyable if you did it in front of him? Without participating. Just watching.

You need to talk about it. Illness or disability and sex is really complicated. Being honest is hard, being supportive is hard. But you need to work out how you get your needs met and how to adjust to what you cant have and that means talking. I have a dh who has MS. We talk about it. It's taken a while, but we have a sex life. Just a different one than we did.

Big plus if you already have toys.

Thanks everyone for your comments (sorry it's taken so long to reply)

I am beginning to fear that our sex life is over, as it's not looking good for partner's health long term now. I've brought up how i feel a couple of times but it just makes him stressy and then he feels I'm blaming him, I know it's not his fault but him not even being willing to discuss how it effects me isn't helping.

Don't know what to do, without any intimacy we just feel like friends tho I do love him unconditionally and will support him through his ill health, I miss the old 'us.'

Will he be better eventually? If so see it as just a challenge you have to face but with a light at the end of the tunnel.

Could you talk to a helpline relating to his illness?

I agree it would be respectful if he would at least discuss it. I imagine him describing fantasies aloud while you use toys, touching and stroking you - surely your sex life doesnt have to be over completely?

Op,
More . I'm sorry to hear the prognosis doesn't look good.

Somehow, you need to break down his reluctance to talk. I'm sure he feels like a failure in some way, but he has to realise it's nobody's "fault", and he isn't to "blame".

Is there any mileage in speaking to your GP - either as a couple or just you? I like the idea of talking to a help line as a pp suggested.

Would he consider a sex / relationship councillor? Would you?

I assume we are "just" talking about PIV? He still has hands and a tongue - does he make any effort to pleasure you?

I'm loath to even suggest this, but I've seen other people in similar situations look elsewhere for intimacy / sex.

I wonder if you keep bringing it up makes him think you’ve got so desperate you’ll go and shag some else and he cant cope with being a failure.

I think you have to take sex of the cards and wait a while, and as pp said what kind of sex do you want and can he provide anyway?

I think that's the main problem he understandably isn't able to partake in PIV sex, I get that 100% and understand completely but all intimacy has disappeared. The best i can hope for is a hug (clothed) and a kiss on the lips, anything else hasn't happened for months.

Just like to clarify I'm not "keeping on bringing it up" with him I've mentioned it twice or possibly 3 times in over 6 months, I don't want him to feel a failure and I know he's ill I'm just struggling that our relationship has changed so dramatically.

Could you not pleasure yourself in the bath?

I think you've waited months and months already and actually you're really vulnerable to someone else turning your head if he won't touch you or talk about it. I dont have the same attitude to physical infidelity as much of mumsnet seems to, but certainly this is a car crash waiting to happen and it doesn't have to be this way. I think HE and your relationship deserve you both talking about it.

Does he have any access to a clinical nurse specialist as part of his treatment? They can be really great supports for relationship problems like this. But I would just raise it again- that you are sad that he doesn't touch you any more and that you want to talk about it.