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Original poster

For the first time ever at 32...

20 replies

lonelyinacrowdedroom · 14/07/2019 11:32

NC for obvious reasons.

I have always felt like a weirdo because I couldn’t/didn’t masturbate properly. Was sexually abused as a child so I guess I just didn’t develop that way, couldn’t relax about it. Then met my now-DH when I was 16 and became entirely dependent on him for it, which has been frustrating at times, especially now as due to his health he is unable to as often, which is obviously sad for both of us. I have a higher sex drive than him though, and feel more dependent on it for stress release as well as intimacy.

I’ve tried before and got frustrated (I also have hypermobile wrists Hmm so find it tiring), tried a Rabbit which I just found scarily intense even on the lowest setting, so thought it would never happen. On here people talk about it so easily, about bullets and stuff and I just felt like a failure for “missing” that part of being an adult, if that makes sense?

But last night I absentmindedly tried myself, and it did. And even better this morning Blush:o

There’s no real point to me posting this other than it being a (hopefully) safe space, I talk to my friends about pretty much anything but this. I’ve never felt normal about any of this before so I can’t actually put into words how this is a big deal for me. Blush

OP posts:
ShouldISpy · 14/07/2019 15:00

I understand, OP. I highly recommend Sex for One, by Betty Dodson. There's so much to learn, and it's never too late.

CandidCat · 14/07/2019 18:57

That's lovely, well done. I feel like there should be a greetings card for this!Grin

StarlightLady · 14/07/2019 19:03

Flowers Well done! Now you have a lot of making up time to do! Enjoy.

Summerhillsquare · 14/07/2019 20:18

Ah that's lovely, good for you. I recently managed similar (penetration rather than masturbation) and it's a whole new lease of life, isn't it?

StarlightLady · 14/07/2019 20:25

To add: Regardless of our own situations we should all allow sufficient “me time” for ourselves. The needs are so different but so important.

Original poster
lonelyinacrowdedroom · 14/07/2019 22:08

Thank you all so much. It is lovely to have my feelings validated, like I say I can’t really talk about that to friends IRL it’s like the final taboo!

DH did suggest some form of celebration :o he is very pleased for me too as he knows it’s been bothering me.

I actually never thought of reading anything related to this subject - the book is now on my wishlist, thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelyinacrowdedroom · 14/07/2019 22:10

Summer I’m glad you had a similar breakthrough! Penetrative orgasm is the one remaining thing for me now (was oral only until earlier this year, which DH loves, but I’d still like to have options :o). Maybe one day!

Love the idea of a greeting card :o

OP posts:
Maxymoo1 · 15/07/2019 19:57

Aw op I couldn't read and run on this one, just wanted to say I'm so happy for you! This is just the beginning now, so enjoy! Glad you shared this with us as well, it's nice to celebrate something so important to you and so you should!

Summer that's amazing! It's my own little mission, had my first baby 9 weeks ago and I've heard that some women find it possible after children... not so far but we shall see!

Original poster
lonelyinacrowdedroom · 15/07/2019 20:01

Congratulations on your baby maxy and thank you!

Funnily enough I think changes since I had my last baby may have made a difference for me too. As I said, couldn’t come with anything but oral before, but since DC3 hands worked too and I feel closer to an internal climax too. I actually really struggled with sex at all for a good while this time round (the birth was pretty horrible) but since... I feel different in a good way :)

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 16/07/2019 20:10

Oh I'm pleased with progress for now, that's something to aim for later tho!

xpc316e · 16/07/2019 21:03

My partner of 16 years had never orgasmed before we met when she was 36 and the mother of three children. She was raised in a Catholic country where masturbation meant a one-way ticket to hell, so she led a sexually repressed life and her husband was no help at all.

She is now happy to engage in vibrator play with multiple orgasms as the result. She will even 'drive' herself at times, but only in my presence. I do hope that one day she will be relaxed enough to do a bit of DIY. We have been on a really enjoyable journey of sexual discovery and I wish you all the best on yours.

AloneLonelyLoner · 16/07/2019 21:08

This post is so wonderful. It makes me happy. I went through some bad experiences as a child and I discovered orgasms very late and it took me a long time to work out how to make myself cum.
I think it's just fabulous. Your body is special and it's great that you've found this. ThanksStarStar

Original poster
lonelyinacrowdedroom · 16/07/2019 22:27

Aw, thank you so much. The support here is lovely!

I’ve always felt sort of wonky I suppose. Quite a high sex drive but not DIYing ever, I was totally dependent on DH. I feel a lot more... I don’t even know how to describe it really!

It’s funny though, and perhaps not a coincidence, that I also started therapy fairly recently. And building up to that, I’ve been trying to put myself first a bit more, get some headspace and exercise etc. I guess it all fits in with that, with looking after myself as a person and not just “mum”.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelyinacrowdedroom · 16/07/2019 22:29

Not that we have discussed sex at all in therapy BTW, I don’t think it’s a subject we would touch on as it’s not about that.

OP posts:
MazDazzle · 17/07/2019 02:27

Good for you! When I was younger sex was a taboo subject in my family and something to feel shame about. Bizarre when you think that sex is what got all of us here!

I had a look at OMGYES! recently and it found it validating to hear women of all ages talk about masturbation and what worked for them.

Summerhillsquare · 22/07/2019 07:04

Seconding OMG Yes, a revelation!

StarlightLady · 22/07/2019 08:25

Solo orgasms are so important. Only when we have fully discovered our own bodies can we get the full benefit of sharing it with others.

And you still need “me time” too. The needs are different.

Enjoy your solo time with pride. It’s not taboo, it’s to do! Regularly.

Original poster
lonelyinacrowdedroom · 22/07/2019 12:26

Thanks again. That website looks great.
I may have had a few more since I first posted :o
It’s led to some useful conversations with DH too - our sex life together is not where either of us want it to be at the moment due to physical/mental health/toddler and older kids with SN! But oddly talking about this new side of me has helped us both confront some issues.
The fact it’s very different needs like you say has been quite a revelation. I’d not really thought about that before I was able to do it.

OP posts:
Rieslinger · 25/10/2019 10:11

If the vibes are too intense have you tried putting something in between to dull the va-va-voom a bit?

FuriousVexation · 25/10/2019 10:16

Really well done OP. Getting over childhood abuse is so difficult. You've been really brave and now you're getting your rerward. Orgasms!

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