"Getting back out there" and lack of experience

[CowGirl19]

Hi. Just after some opinions and general advice really. I'm female in my 40's and divorced. Basically I'm at the stage I'm keen to get back into dating and hopefully find someone I get a connection with.
My ExH is the only person I've ever slept with and due to various reasons which are unimportant we had an unconventional sex life and penetration in particular was very difficult and sometimes painful. I've basically been left with a mild fear of sex. I really don't want my divorce to be the end of my sex life - but I'm vary scared - mainly of making a fool of myself but also of it being painful again etc etc.
I am worried that once I find someone I wont be able to "go through with" the actual sex - even though I want to.
I'd appreciate some opinions - particularly from guys - do I basically tell the guy in advance that I have issues?? Would that make you run a country mile?? How can I boost my confidence in the build up to stop my inner coward over ruling the situation and make me run???

From what you're saying here, sex isn't something you've ever enjoyed...indeed, you have some fear of it.

What concerns me is that you're thinking of sex before you're thinking of the possibility of meeting someone that you have chemistry with...and that's probably because you've never experienced that.

When you meet someone who you connect with properly...someone who makes you laugh, who you find attractive, who you can trust and have things in common with...then the wanting sex part should follow naturally.

My advice to you is to stop thinking of sex at all in relation to men. Date by all means. Date a lot....see lots of men...but always with the knowledge in your head that you're probably not going to have sex with them.

You'll meet a lot of men who want to have sex with you...but that doesn't mean you must.

Not at all.

You're looking for a man who is interested in a relationship first and foremost and they are out there but unfortunately so are a lot of men who just want sex.

Be prepared to do a fair bit of turning down. DO NOT sleep with someone because you feel you have to "get back out there"

Don't worry about telling a man you have issues. That will come when you meet one you trust and like enough.

Do you masturbate?

OP, maybe it was your ex’s style that caused the discomfort. It is really not a goid idea to settle with the only person you have had sex with. I just couldn’t imagine it.

Aside from the issues you raise are you looking for comfortable sexual friendships with a number of people who will nevertheless be respectful (nothing wrong with that) or a long term relationship?

It might be too early to look for the latter and an opportunity to enjoy your new found freedom. Insist on plenty of oral before penetration and if they are not prepared to do that they are not worth bedding. Oh, and sort the condoms now, you don’t have to rush in, but it means they are there when you are ready. Good luck x

Absolutely go for telling a potential partner about your issues; if they do run a mile that is a very good sign that they were not the right person to help you work through the problem.

It might be a good idea to explore the situation with your GP; it sounds as though you might have a degree of vaginismus and anxiety certainly isn't going to help it.