Didn't get hard, what next (mans opinions welcome)

[Shelby121]

Hi, I was in bed with my partner last night and he hasn't been well for the last week. We don't see each other that often but each time ends in sex. He never comes but gets hard using Viagra as has depression and the sex is amazing. Yesterday he took Viagra and got a bit hard with me holding him but then it went again. We still had a great time without it. He said he was feeling pressure to perform but that he wasnt feeling well so wasn't happening. I wasn't sure whether there was anything more I could have done to make things happen? I don't want to stress him out even more about it as sex is his big thing when he is on form.

I don’t think there’s anymore you could have done or can do next time. Stage fright and not being well are a lethal combination. And taking viagra means you are expecting to perform. Hopefully next time will be back to normal.

If he's on meds for his depression there are many of those that can impair both libido and performance. Feeling run down doesn't help either and viagra can only do so much - it can help with physical issues but if the desire is low, for whatever reason, it may often not give the required result. Best thing you can do is not to stress about it because that will not help him. Not just after the fact like now but during the moment as well. If he's struggling don't make it a big deal, don't feel like you have to make it happen, just put it to one side and focus on enjoying each other regardless.

@Anotherblokelurking @TooTrueToBeGood thanks both, I did focus completely on him and he had a great time. I just want to ensure things are back to normal next time

Don't try to make it happen as that will just increase the pressure, just try to be chilled out. There are more things beyond piv sex maybe toys or oral?

Hi,

@harmlesschap i did end up joking around with him. I guess I just want to know he is enjoying himself and that's a bit difficult when things like this happen

What a ridiculous post!

The guy wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t be bothered.

That’s it.

@Christian77 no need to put it as bluntly as that, I asked for a man's opinion because it's newish to me, plus the depression and Viagra and I didn't want to get things wrong with him as we usually have a very healthy sexual relationship.

Men get easily aroused but if you're not aroused you can't fake it. If he's nervous or his mind is elsewhere then no amount of stimulation is going to get him hard. There's a viscous circle as embarrassment at not being able to please your partner makes you feel ashamed not sexy.

Probably the best thing is to leave it and tell him to let you know when he's in the mood again.

OP: erectile dysfunction can be psychological but there is a lot of evidence to say the majortiy of men with it, actually have early evidence of artery disease. Its actually a big warning sign for something else going on. Often docs just prescribe Viagra, but its not helping the underlying cause. He needs checking out properly.

He needs to boost his nitrous oxide levels and can do so with food, prociding he isn't on warfarin he needs ots of green leafy veg. Beetroot, garlic, dark chocolate, citrus, seeds, nuts, and watermelon are all good sources. He's not been well, so likely hes not been eating well, proabbly a bit more stressed too.

But I would get him to look at his artery health first. nutritionfacts.org/topics/erectile-dysfunction/

OP it's a good idea to get some medical advice but better to use a GP (UK) than online web sites.

In my case I just happen to have then veins, (nightmare for taking blood samples) born with them, nothing to do with diet.

You say you had a good time without the hardness. The best lesson I learnt from OH; there's more to sex than penetration. Having fun experimenting, make sure he knows you're enjoying it and vice versa.

@Shelby121
Same thing just happened to me for the first time. DP couldn't keep it going despite viagra which has worked for him in the past. He'd had a very stressful difficult day. I was very kind and we had fun anyway.

But now I've read this thread I'm worried he's just not that into me?! (Literally)

Argh

Hope everything is back to normal next time for both of us

@RosamundButterfly I had a general chat with my partner about not feeling as though he was into me and he reiterated he hasn't been feeling great physically so I think this has a knock on impact. For us, we don't see each other much so lots of time in between for me to think too much about things. I'm going to see how the next time pans out. Prior to this, I was with an ex who could happily go without sex for months despite adoring me so it's important for me to know I'm appealing to someone in that way or not.

@shelby121 yes I am trying not to overthink and also had a long drought before getting together with DP, so still not massively confident I suppose. But I feel hopeful things will happen again like they have before. We should try not to take it personally I guess

Happens to me from time to time (early 40s). Usually when I'm tired and when I've not seen DP for a while and there's a bit of pressure to 'perform'.

We still have fun though.

I definitely find regular (1-3/week) DTD helps though.

@SkinnyPete thanks for sharing. My partner did say it's been a while but he hasn't been himself. I just didn't want to sound like I was begging, I just wanted to feel like he still wanted me!

Anti depressants can make a big difference to a guys response both physically in the form of ED and psychologically. For most guys if they have a good erection then they are definitely up for it and its going to happen but for a guy on ADs ,,well it can wax and wane so just when you think its all go,,well he can lose his erection which then leads to performance anxiety and a vicious circle begins..