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Original poster

Sexless marriage

15 replies

Seventyeight78 · 07/06/2019 15:45

I've been married for nearly 3 years and we've been together for 4 years. My DH has never been interested in sex. We used to have it before I had DD (2yo). But I always initiated it. About a year ago he said he feels like he's disrespecting me if he has sex with me. We were in sexual therapy but we're not now and it wasn't helping anyway.

We've had sex once this year. I've told him how rubbish it makes me feel but he's happy to live in a sexless marriage because he loves me and for the most part we are happy.

I love him very much but surely this situation isn't sustainable. I try to bring it up when I can bare. But the way he sees it is that we have a good marriage apart from that so i should learn to live with it.

OP posts:
SkinnyPete · 07/06/2019 16:48

Sounds like sex is very important to you, as it is to many many people. Permanently mismatched libido rarely ends well, and can be miserable while enduring it.

You've tried therapy, and it's not worked. I think it's time to work on an ultimatum and an exit plan.

Sorry you're going through this Flowers

xpc316e · 07/06/2019 18:32

Your DH needs to understand your needs and appreciate your misery if they are not met. It is for you to decide whether to endure the situation, or to frankly tell him that you will have to find some satisfaction outside of your marriage. You did not sign up for a sexless marriage and it is unreasonable of him to expect you to remain in such a sterile relationship. In all honesty, there are very few people who can cope with a partner finding sex outside the marriage, so unless you are prepared to be sexually frustrated for the rest of your life then an exit plan seems almost inevitable.

A full relationship is what keeps most of us going in this world, and I wish you well in this awful situation.

Peachyk · 07/06/2019 21:26

Is there any sort of additional counselling your dh could have? Would he agree to it? To feel he is 'disrespecting' you rather than expressing his love and his devotion to you when making love is not a normal emotion ( I mean that in the most non judgemental way.) He may need to discuss his issues separately, away from 'sex therapy' as a couple, when he obviously has such deep routed problems.
I'm sorry you're going through this. But if he is not willing to really understand his issues and try and sort then out, then i really think you deserve more Flowers

Anothernick · 08/06/2019 14:38

Looking at it from a mans perspective it is very odd that he says he does not want sex. You do not give your ages but since you have a 2 yo I guess you are well below 40 and at that age desire is usually pretty strong. Does he have any medical conditions, depression, low testosterone? Drink or drug issues? The idea that making love is disrespecting you is bizarre, why on earth would he think that? Sounds like an excuse not to do it. Sounds like there are underlying issues that he needs to tackle and if he doesn't you will need to make some tough decisions. Maybe start by making it clear to him how important this is and see how he reacts.

Fucksandflowers · 08/06/2019 21:30

I wonder if he is possibly gay?

You say he’s never initiated sex, not even in the early days of dating.
I find that really odd.

And the comment about disrespect, odd.

Scott72 · 09/06/2019 01:27

You should probably just leave him. For whatever reason he just has a really low libido and no interest in doing anything about it.

Original poster
Seventyeight78 · 09/06/2019 11:29

Thanks for all you're wise words. I don't want to leave him. He's my husband! That means something to me. No I don't think he's gay. He's not the kind of person that would have any problem if he was.
He used to have lots of meaningless sex and I guess he can't see it any other way. He does however close down when I try to open a dialogue around the subject. I will try and push him into further counseling. I think he might just have intimacy issues that he needs to work through. Surly I can't just walk away from someone I made all those promises with so easily?

OP posts:
Fucksandflowers · 09/06/2019 11:39

I guess it ultimately depends on how important sex is to you.
If he refuses to do it or even discuss it you only really have two options as far as I can see which is continue in an otherwise happy, loving marriage without sex or leave.

MoreProseccoNow · 09/06/2019 17:18

Maybe a case of Madonna Whore Syndrome?

Original poster
Seventyeight78 · 09/06/2019 17:41

Never heard of it 'madonna whore syndrome' but thanks for suggesting. Sound like it could be something along those line. I'll go from there and see what it brings up. Thank you.

OP posts:
threesecrets · 25/06/2019 22:12

With you in solidarity. Frustrating... in many ways. I have other guys look at me and I just think, FFs why doesn't he look at me that way.

threesecrets · 26/06/2019 21:16

Is he generally affectionate? Will he do massages etc?

ManOfKent · 27/06/2019 09:18

Not having sex is one thing, but is he having any sexual relief? Does he masturbate when alone? If he does then that's really disrespecting you!
I've had issues broaching the subject of sex over the years and it's caused issues and my ex and I went two years without sex (and yes I was getting 'relief' every day Blush) ...but I love her and I love sex!
In the end I was just 'shit or bust' honest, asked for her understanding and she was amazing, and our sex life became amazing too. It wasn't that or anything related to sex that broke the marriage, but she was wonderful.

xpc316e · 27/06/2019 19:46

I really do not think that not having sex with you whilst masturbating is disrespecting you. It might be a symptom of many things, but I cannot imagine that he sets out to in some way disrespect you by jacking off.

Frankly, if he does masturbate then that is a sign that he is a sexual being, but not much else so I wouldn't be pressing him on whether he does indulge in solitary pleasure. Masturbation is a private matter and I pretty much guarantee that delving into whether he does, or doesn't, isn't going to elevate you in his view.

Open, and honest conversation has got to be your starting place.

Dadslearning · 01/07/2019 00:37

Hi long time lurker never a poster. Going through the same thing my OH is interested in sex whatsoever I used to try initiating it but now don’t see any point she is so clearly uninterested

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