How can I get OH to be more dominant

[sweetpotato29]

I've been with OH for around 10 yrs now and the last couple have seen a bit of a droop in our sex life. We had an honest chat a few months ago about what was and wasn't working for both of us and things seemed to improve slightly, but it didn't last long.

My request was that OH be a bit more dominant in the bedroom which really turns me on. I think being dominant doesn't really come naturally to him as he isn't like that in real life or in the bedroom. He asked me what sorts of things and I gave a few ideas which he did initially, but it still wasn't 'taking charge' if you know what I mean... it was just doing the thing I mentioned as part of a normal routine.

Does anyone know what else I can do? I've tried to be clear but feel like if I have to give him step by step instructions it kinda negates the whole dominant thing in the first place!

Maybe it's just not in his nature to act like that.

I recommend the following websites:

old.mojoupgrade.com/ &

www.weshouldtryit.com/

They both work in very similar ways in that each partner answers a set of questions and the areas in which you overlap in your desires are afterwards revealed. The things that you want to try, but which your partner says 'No way' to are not revealed; this means that you can be entirely honest about what you want without fear of your partner being shocked, grossed out, etc.

Well done for trying to sort it out between yourselves. A happy, healthy sex life is for me a fundamental element of a successful relationship. Hopefully, these questionnaires will help your partner to reveal some latent desires. If you then keep your own side of the street scrupulously clean by attending to them, then you can reasonable expect him to return the favour. I would even go as far as suggesting that you may wish to exaggerate your responses when he tries the things you want to explore with you. After the event, not when in bed, you should mention how pleased you are that he took the time to satisfy your desires.

I find that good sex strengthens and maintains the bond between partners, and it seems as though you also think that way. We are entitled to a decent sex life and your partner should feel boosted that you find him sexually attractive and want him. You ought to be honest enough to say that if he cannot scratch your itch then you may find yourself being drawn elsewhere. That should not be in the form of a threat; it is just human nature to seek to have our emotional and sexual needs attended to. Frankly, he needs to step up to the plate, and help you to explore your sexuality (and his) with a measure of enthusiasm.

You say that he is not naturally dominant, but I don't think you need to be in charge outside the bedroom to act dominant within the bedroom. My partner and I are absolute equals in every aspect of our lives, but when it suits us I can be dominant and she submissive in our sex lives. She loves being tied up and I adore pleasuring her with toys when she has no option but to lie back and enjoy it - hopefully you can discover an area where you can have a lot of fun while exploring your emerging sexuality.

@xpc31se thank you so much for your helpful response. I had a quick look at those websites and they seem like a worthwhile exercise to do. I'll have to broach it with OH when we get a quiet moment!

We don't really have any excuse... we're still young, not married yet, no children... we live with a housemate which means finding private time can be hard, but I don't want to make excuses.

I agree with you on it being an important part of a healthy relationship. It's nice to hear you and your partner are so compatible.

I guess my question is say we filled out that questionnaire, then what? I've told him some ideas similar and he doesn't seem to know what to do with the information. Sometimes it feels a bit forced. I don't want to have to tell him to do it each time because that would be a turn off!

sweetpotato29 you're most welcome. As for what happens next: well I think the conversations need to happen outside of the bedroom. If you are in bed when you chat, then the pressure is applied. If there are areas that the questionnaires indicate that you are both interested in, then you ought to begin exploring them further by at first talking. When you discover more about what he wants, you can set about making his dreams come true. Once you have ticked that box a few times, it should seem natural that he wants to reciprocate.

I do feel that a housemate is a bit of a fly in the ointment, so once you have done a bit of foundation work why not book some time away? Travelodges have bargain nights available at times, so you don't have to spend a fortune. You can then have a bit of privacy. You could always buy some inexpensive toys, such as bondage gear, and present him with them on a night when your housemate is out.

If you are in London, then the London Alternative Market (Google it) is on the first Sunday of every month. There are lots of retailers selling quality BDSM clothing & equipment and a visit is sure to whet your appetites. Check out their website. Similar markets operate in other places - Birmingham has one, for example.

For me, the main reason to make love is to give my partner pleasure. If I am selfish and want an orgasm for myself, I can go and masturbate. I don't think I am alone in obtaining pleasure myself by giving it to another, and this is something you need to discuss. Even if it isn't exactly his thing; he ought to be happy to indulge in order to give you pleasure.

To my eternal shame I was once in the early stages of a relationship in which the woman asked me what I thought about golden showers. I told her honestly that I had tried them and got nothing out of the experience. She was trying to tell me that they were an immense turn-on for her, but I did not take the hint. Neither of us was completely open and honest so therefore we both missed out on a great deal of fun to be had. The message is 'Don't beat about the bush. Say what needs to be said and put your cards on the table.' Life is far to short to waste it not having decent sex.

If it seems like he needs/wants to follow a script, and you don't want it to be your script, then he needs to look at some films / read some books with appropriate scenes.
Maybe Secretary, 9 1/2 weeks? [without you watching maybe?]

Some people just cant be dominant sexually nor are some naturally creative.

I had a relationship where i had to be dominant otherwise sex would have been missionary position with the lights off every single time.