Talk to me about Dom/sub relationships?

[Aintitjust]

I have been flirting and phone sex with someone for a while and the flirting has taken a certain flavour and now been edging to the point where it is clear to me he is actually very into the BDSM scene and he is a “Dom.” I am really enjoying it and would like to go ahead with a relationship/ sex with him.

I realise that every relationship is different but I wondered if there are any general themes? I have not had a Dom/sub relationship before.

He seems to be dictating the terms. As in he decides how and when we see each other. He decides when we are in contact. Every morning he sends me a message and tells me what to wear that day.

Is that normal for a relationship like this? Is it part of the “Dom” thing that they decide all the contact and I just wait around? Part of it feels it’s a bit like men i’ve Been with in the past who are not that in to me and I am waiting around for their call. However it is obvious he is very into me and he does a lot of work towards our connection emotionally. He works much harder than me generally, to engage with me, but he still dictates the terms of our engagement. If I reached out to him and it wasn’t the right time he would probably be quite dismissive.

Is this just part of the dynamic? What else should I expect? What sort of questions should I be asking him?

You’re on the right track. Watch the film “9 and 1/2 weeks” if you can.

Ask about his past experiences of such relationships, maybe? What you say sounds fine, so far, but there are many examples of Dom-ing going too far -- and, of course, many happy-ever-afters, too.

You may want to decide on what personal limits you have; I'd suggest you keep financial stuff very separate in the early days. Most male Doms will pay for everything (whilst female Dommes won't! That's gender for you ...). Also what you'd permit in terms of sex, such as being tied up and 'impact play' (spanking, canes, whips, etc). [off to take a cold shower now !]

Go slow, be patient, be clear about your limits. If you feel your limits are not respected (a little testing at the edges may be OK, though), run in the opposite direction.

Be wary would be my advice. As someone who is part of the BDSM community (I’m a sub) your post is ringing alarm bells for me. I’ll get this bit out of the way:

Some men use being a ‘Dom’ as an excuse to be controlling, abusive arseholes or to otherwise treat women like shit. Whatever your guy may happen to be into, this is not an excuse to treat you badly or trample over your boundaries. Tread carefully.

That aside, first think about what you want. How far do you want to take the D/s thing? You need to consider this in terms of the BDSM you’d actually do together. Do you like the idea of being tied up? Hit? (with his hands, a flogger, a cane?) Humiliated? Calling him sir? Although not a prerequisite for a D/s relationship, all these things are all very common in the community and I would expect an experienced Dom to be turned on my some or all of them. Have you talked about what he’d like you to do/do to you sexually? Does the idea turn you on? Because if it doesn’t, this is probably not going to work out. And even if it does turn you on, you need to have a conversation about your limits (hard and soft) and what you will and will not be open to trying.

He calls himself a Dom, but how experienced is he really? Does he know how to tie you up safely? Hit you without causing injury? What safety precautions does he take? Has he ever had a scene go wrong? How did he handle it? How does he do aftercare? What would he do if you safeworded out of a scene? You need to have this conversation before you even consider playing with him. A responsible Dom will answer these questions and be open to communication with you. If he doesn’t, run away.

You also need to think about how far you want to take the relationship in terms of the D/s dynamic more generally. For some people D/s is something that happens in the bedroom only, others live it 24/7. Personally, my BF is also my Dom but this applies only to the kinky things we get up. Day to day we are just us and equal partners. I take the lead/initiate contact if I want to, suggest places I’d like to go, disagree with him occasionally. All the normal stuff. Are you comfortable with him dictating the terms all the time? Do you like being told what to wear? Because a true, healthy D/s relationship is ultimately about open communication and negotiation. Nothing should happen that you’re not comfortable with. Being a Dom, doesn’t just mean he gets to tell you what to do if you’re not ok with that.

As my Dom often tells me, in a healthy D/s relationship, the sub really has all the power. I set the limits of what we do and nothing happens if I don’t want it to. My Dom will sometimes push my soft limits (we talk about it first) but hard limits are just that. It can be very sexy to hand over that power to your Dom if you think they are worthy of it. But it’s not something you have to do.

OP please read through Apples post a few times.

Says it all so there's little for me to add.

You've never met, he controls you and you appear to be hooked. I think a decent Dom would talk through things first. If he won't do that, be very wary.

I wish you well. with the right person BDSM can be delicious!

There are 24/7 Dom/Sub relationships in which the Dom controls every aspect of the Sub's existence and those which operate only within the realm of a couple's sex lives. Do not confuse the appeal of one with the other.

Do you want this I am so wary of the situations where these things are done without any discussion or agreement he cannot and should not dictate the terms of your engagement that is both of you

Otherwise he is just controlling and abusive