Not wanting sex - help me save my marriage!

[ChangeMyWorld]

Apologies if this is long.

It's not really a "loss of libido" case. I do get horny from time to time - generally tied to hormones, so I'm ridiculously horny for about 2 days mid cycle but then very little at all the rest of the month.

But it's more complex than that. I get turned off so easily, it's a nightmare. I'm a very anxious and OCD person anyway and the slightest thing can stop me being in the mood - my DHs tummy gurgling a lot, or a strange smell, or rolling onto my side and feeling uncomfortable, or him touching me in a way that tickles. Once that switch flips, it's more than just being turned off, it's like any touch or sexual contact becomes instantly repulsive and I can't control it. To add to that, because of my anxiety, my head is constantly elsewhere worrying about 90million things - I can try really really hard to keep myself "in the room" and focussed on my DH but if things don't move quick enough, my mind starts wandering and I start feeling panicky and sad and just can't do it.

I 100% appreciate that I sound like a total nightmare. I really love my DH and am not happy with the fact he feels frustrated and now feels like I don't want and desire him. I think about this almost all the time and worry about it.

I have had loads of therapy. We've tried to work on communication but essentially we just think very very differently. To DH sex is all about whether you are attracted to someone and if you are, that's it you do it, job done. To me it's so much more - I need to feel safe and connected and understood to feel like I can let somebody that close and into my personal space...and at the moment I just don't feel like that and that he's always on My Team. It's like a vicious cycle. I have really awful troubles talking openly about sex and telling him what I like and what to do. I know it's almost all my fault.

I do love him. I do find him attractive- although he has put on a fair amount of weight since we got together. I do want to be with him but I read so much that it's impossible with mismatched sex drive. Trouble is I'm not even sure it is sex drive with us or if somethings just gone awry. I'd love to fix it. At the moment we maybe sleep together twice a month...it's not a lot, is it..I know he wants far more.

The absolute no brainer for me is I can't force myself to do it and just get through it if I'm not feeling it..that's like rape to me. And he's said he's not willing to do that either. He's also said he's not willing to try scheduling because the pressure on him is too much and it gives him performance anxiety.

Help, please...are we screwed (or not). ?

I don't think you're screwed. I think the fact that you have thought about this so deeply and really know what your triggers are and also want things to work speaks volumes. Yes mismatched sex drives can be a death knell but if they aren't that disparate then it can be overcome.

Bearing in mind the above, my first question would be; putting aside the anxiety and the triggers, would you (do you think) have sex more often? If they didn't exist? Or would you, as it appears not have sex more than twice a month anyway because you're hormonally disinterested (I've been the same and I get this)? Because if it's the latter then I would say that's more problematic because if he's a 5x a week guy, then your 2x a month will not match up.

Thanks @Alone - that's reassuring as I read so so many articles and posts saying there's no hope with mismatched sex drives. Re: your question, I'm honestly not sure. We've been together a really long time (double figures) and back in the beginning I actually had a very high sex drive, so I was up for it way more often. But I was obviously younger then and in some ways my life was far less stressful due to job/ where we were living etc. So it's hard to tell whether I've changed due to life stresses, hormonal changes as I've got older or things have changed between myself and DH as we've got older. The only absolutely unquestionable thing I know is that I've always loved him and still do, even when communication has sometimes been difficult between us. And i know for a fact that I - both of us - would rather improve this if at all possible than walk away.

Welll, I think that's wonderful and you can do this then I'm sure. If you both love each other and want each other then that's a done deal. The hormone thing is very difficult. I was the same for a long time. I'm pre-menopausal now so all bets are off! For years though I'd be desperate for sex a couple of days a month and the rest of the time I would literally rather do pretty much anything, even regrouting bathroom tiles or cooking for 50 than have 10 minutes of sex. But.....it wasn't so much of an issue as my husband had a low sex drive all that time.
I'm wondering if your triggers are just hormonal things too or something deeper. That would be worth exploring because otherwise it's hard to tell the best way to counteract them.

I'm pretty certain they're not just hormonal. I think they're probably linked to anxiety, and squashed hurts/ resentments / communication problems in our relationship. None of which stop me loving DH or particularly impact our non sexual relationship. I'm not very sure how to explore them :(

Also - which equally hints at psychological rather than just hormonal issues - 9/10 times if there's any forewarning before going to bed that sex may be on the cards, I start to feel like I need to wee. And even once I've been, I can't stop feeling like my bladder is full. Which is incredibly off putting. But I'm certain is all in my mind because I know I might be going to have sex. I really wish I could just get a grip :(

Please don't be angry at yourself or berate yourself. Please don't. You're not being fair on yourself. It's not about getting a grip and the more I hear the more I feel that there is something deeper going on here that needs to be explored and I do t mean between the two of you, but you -just you, with an objective and helpful third party. There is more to this than meets the eye, but it's something which you can beat because you want to.

Honestly, and I don't want to say too much because that is me hijacking somewhat, but I feel like I understand. It has taken me decades to understand my own feelings but I feel that they come from the same well almost. It's really hard. I went from being totally sex-driven to being nauseated almost and doing anything to get out of sex. Arguing that it's a little bit of time and closeness meant nothing. It was just awful. My mind would come up with, and use any reason for no sex including bad breath/teeth (his) uncut toenails. Anything, you name it. I have been desperate at times. You are not alone. The fact that you want to work on this is amazing and wonderful. I have in later years become unable to but I know I could. I just need outside support and desire to.

OP, you sound exactly like my wife! I don't have much to offer other than keep talking to your husband and explain how you're feeling or he will end up frustrated with no real understanding of what is going on.

@Alone thank you...my problem is I've already had hours and hundreds of pounds worth of individual therapy - so many different sorts and angles. Nothing has really helped and they've all tried to address issues with my childhood and general anxiety which is great but hasn't really fixed this issue in my relationship. And now I feel like it's a bit of a time bomb and I don't have all the time in the world to keep sitting on it. One day my lovely DH will realise he can't take this anymore and go, and I don't know what I can do about it.

@Myother out of interest - how is it working with yourself and your wife? If you think she feels as I do....how is the communication between you? To what extent do you reckon you understand what's going on with her? And above all: do you feel this is something that can be overcome, or that you can live with forever?

Have you had your hormone levels checked? I’ve had severe issues for years that have rendered me completely dead sexually. When it’s gone it’s like you describe - physical touch is repulsive. What I’ve found is that it’s like a seesaw - my hormones will rise to the point it tips me over the edge into wanting sex but then drop it goes away again. I wonder if you’re perpetually in the middle of that. It’s worth checking.

I’d really encourage you to explore your own sexuality and pleasure on your own - it’s something a lot of women don’t do enough. Only do this when you’re actually in the mood though. I’ve spent so much money on blood tests and counselling and therapy etc etc but buying seasons 1 and 2 of OMGYes has completely transformed not just the sex I have but also my confidence during (and outside of) sex, better orgasms, more confidence to ask for what I want, etc. Wish I’d got it years ago, it has been incredible for me.

Thanks @Empty just looked it up and it looks interesting....I'm very clued up on what works for me though, I just hugely struggle to stay in the zone and get DH on same wavelength. How much of the course would you say focusses on women who can't orgasm (not an issue at all for me) vs communication problems? I'm a bit worried if I bought it, I'd still be no better off in terms of sharing the knowledge with DH and he definitely wouldn't watch it. He's got a bit of a mental block on Female Empowerment etc...he feels it's all got a bit out of control and at the expense of Equality. So I know he wouldn't like the angle of that site at all.

Not had hormones checked by the way...maybe I should...what do I say to GP?

Eesh. If he won’t watch it in an attempt to improve your sex life then i think you may have bigger problems (especially with those comments on female empowerment!).

It’s not about orgasms specifically for those who don’t have them (I’ve never had any problems there either although I must say that the last one I had was insane - I’ve definitely picked up some new tricks!) but about exploring new ways of finding / improving / heightening enjoyment. I thought I knew what worked for me too but it’s been eye opening.

To be honest the difference for me has been seeing women talking openly (and demonstrating) about their sexuality, and what they enjoy - it’s been really liberating for me and has definitely changed my attitude. I’ve spoken to a few women who’ve signed up and said the same.

Having said that, my DH was all over it when I signed up, so that helps!