Husband suddenly wanting to try new ideas in sex

[my2453]

I have NC for this,
so over last month or so, my husband has started to do different things while having sex, I have no idea where he is getting ideas from, I have no issue with it in general, just the fact he has never done any of this before! He is suddenly wanting to try new stuff!

Maybe just ask him? If no other behaviour is strange i wouldn't worry. Enjoy

@Seapoint2002 I have tried but he just dodges the question! It's like he wants to do anal and BDSM!

Tricky one but you do need some kind of a discussion before anal or bdsm.

No I suppose not, just wondering where it has all come from all of a sudden!

Magazine or Porn or talking to his mates maybe? How long have you been together?

Maybe he read the affairs thread and started to worry?

My guess would be porn

Maybe his mates are talking about their sex lives and he thinks he should be doing the same things. Why not think about what you'd like to try and have a talk?

Men rarely talk about their sex lives together. It’s probably from reading magazine articles or your copy of 50 shades.

It’s probably from reading magazine articles or your copy of 50 shades

Yes, that’s where men are getting the current obsession with anal and BDSM - magazines and 50 Shades... 🙄

Give over. He’s watching porn. Depending on his age he’s probably seen a lot of these types of acts - they are pretty mainstream in porn, and I’ve seen some people who are very into porn describe some of the acts as “vanilla” even since watching a lot changes your perspective on these things.

Have you been together a long time? If not, it’s possible he’s been building up to it.

If you’ve been together years, has anything changed lately that would lead him to watch more porn? (Eg less sex, pregnancy / new parents, breastfeeding etc)

Obviously if you’re up for it too, then great. But it should go without saying that just because he wants to do it doesn’t mean you have to do it. Some women love those things, others would hate them - either response is fine.

What is not fine is just doing new (and time especially more niche / extreme) things in bed without having a discussion about them first. I know that after having been in some sexually abusive relationships, I really struggle to say no to something as it’s happening - I’m more likely to freeze, or to just go along with it to prevent a problem (not that my DH would ever want me to do that, but it’s a hangover from my previous experiences).

If you’re the kind of woman who can say “no, don’t do that” as it’s happening then great but I think for most women it’s actually much more difficult to say no at the time than many men realise.

If you can have a discussion beforehand about your boundaries and preferences, it’s much easier to say that you’re not willing to try x but you’ll happily try y and z as long as he checks in with you / stops if you seem uncomfortable etc, or whatever works for you personally.

Well it might be 'porn', but since 50 Shades, there has been a lot more discussion in mainstream media about bumsex and kink, and while a lot of it has been silly giggly ooh-how-naughty, there has also been discussion of the fact that these are activities that quite a lot of people do and enjoy. For some people, the 'normalising' of kinky sex to at least the point where you can discuss it without anyone passing out or dialling 999 means that, if they find any of it appealing, they feel brave enough to suggest it to a partner.

If he's doing things to you without asking first, then you have a problem with this man whatever the activities he might be keen to try. But if he's been asking you if you would like to try them, then how you proceed is up to you. You don't have to do anything you loathe the idea of, but it's perhaps worth rating his suggestions as to whether they are Absolutely Not, Hmm Maybe or Ooh That Sounds Fun.

To answer peoples questions, there has been no discussion about any of it, and I feel like I can't speak up during sex either!
Been together 5 years, married for a year and half, and got a 11 month old child (not breastfeeding)!

So he’s just springing anal sex and bdsm on you? BDSM requires discussion and the setting of boundaries. That’s not what he’s doing, and it’s not acceptable.

He's in the wrong. How does he treat you outside the bedroom? Does he, for instance, do anything like his fair share of domestic work or childcare? Has there been less time for sex since the baby arrived, and has he been moany about it?

Why don't you feel you can speak up OP? Does he think sex is something he does to you rather than with you or something? If he can't even have a conversation with you about wanting to try new things he sure as hell isnt ready for any kind of kink, communication is everything. I'm really quite concerned by you saying you can't speak up, that's not right at all.

I think lots of women really struggle to speak up in bed. I definitely used to.

OP, you need to talk to him outside of the bedroom. It’s not okay to spring this stuff on you in the moment. Absolutely unacceptable. How do you actually feel about it?

I think half the issue is, we have no privacy as we live my my in laws! I don't mind light bondage, as we have discussed that before, but I would rather have a discussion before some things like anal or say he decides say as he did a few weeks, put his hands fairly light on my neck- like light choking! I just struggle with speaking up in general!

I think I would be ok with it as long as we had a discussion about it, and he told me what he wanted to do, rather than just doing it

Can you talk to him generally about things that worry you, or does he just do the 'Not now, babe, I'm watching the football/off to the pub/on the Xbox' or whatever?

It is difficult to say, in the moment 'Yuk, don't do that,' so it's definitely worth having a chat with him outside the bedroom. Tell him you appreciate the idea of trying new things, but you don't like surprises. Perhaps suggest some stuff that you would like to try.

So he just started choking you without any warning? That’s awful. I’ve heard of this sort of thing happening in one night stands (totally unacceptable) but it’s completely baffling in a long term relationship - there’s no reason not to discuss things first. I’m sure you can have a private discussion at some point - DH and I have had some adventurous sex but nothing we didn’t discuss first. He’d be in serious shit if he sprung something on me like this without warning!

Yep, you definitely need a conversation away from the bedroom OP, personally I think he's out of order for even attempting anal or choking without talking to you first so I would be making the point very strongly that it's not ok. To me anything outside what you would 'normally' do needs discussing first, that's basic respect and consideration for your partner surely?

I find it baffling too Deathgrip, both me and DH are rubbish at talking about anything sensitive and have had to work really hard to find ways to communicate that don't make us both want to curl up and die but it's really important so we did it. You need some way to express your boundaries OP, if you can't speak up 'in the moment' it's even more important that stuff gets discussed beforehand.

Jesus! choking??

I've got a lot kinkier in the last 5 months and am enjoying it. I'm going to meet a man in June and there will be some domination involved. We have been messaging several times a week for 5 months and have choreographed everything. He knows my limits, I know his (and one of my hardest red lines is my throat; nobody goes near that, full stop). There are still risks but the negotiation involved is really important (not 5 months worth necessarily).

Write to him if it's easier, or discuss it in a busy pub. This stops now and you talk. Nothing happens without your consent, and letting it happen is not consent . You do need safe words (yellow and red?) but that's a long way down the line while you talk about why this has happened, what you are both feeling etc.

I think my OH might sometimes think this about me. He's quite traditional in bed, and over the past 10 years, I've got more and more curious and experimental on my own. But have never wanted to talk to him about it, because was worried I'd freak him out (have tried to broach it a bit in the past, but he really just wasn't that into it). I'm now at a point where I'm pretty frustrated/bored/not really into sex with him a lot of the time, and so am starting to try and talk about it again, bit by bit. It's painfully difficult...

Something may have happened to make him suddenly want to act on it, or perhaps it's a more recent thing. Who knows. You have to talk to him about it to find out. However, regardless of whatever deep-seated desires he's got, he can't just spring them on you - especially BDSM. Consent is really important, and you need to establish boundaries - and in particular how you will communicate when things have gone far enough.

Talking about fantasies can be hard, especially if you're worried you're going to be rejected. But you can't just 'do it' and hope then everyone is too embarrassed to say anything afterwards. Not cool.