Can anyone explain why I’m like this?

[EleanorOalike]

For a start, I’ve been single for 4 years...no sex at all in that time and I’ve only had one sexual partner. I’ve always known I had a high sex drive and an open mind but had a very strict upbringing culturally and from a religious point of view and premarital sex was absolutely forbidden so I learned from a young age to suppress all of that. My ex was emotionally abusive and our dynamic, especially towards the end became pretty dark. I’ve had a lot of therapy trying to understand how I could love an abusive man so much and I now understand myself a lot better. I was also emotionally and physically abused throughout childhood and badly bullied in school and I have issues with attachment and codependency so I’ve been trying to avoid getting into relationships until I dealt with that and got into a healthy place. I’ve never had a loving relationship.

I now feel ready to date but I’m wracking my brains as to something I can’t understand about my sexuality. With my ex I was totally uninhibited, up for a lot of different adventurous stuff. I’ve got a guy friend who I’d be up for doing all sorts of filthy stuff with and, to be honest, can’t stop thinking about it with but it not at all possible because he’s not currently single.

There’s a man who has made it very clear that he wants to pursue a relationship with me. He’s 9 years older, good looking, wealthy, well mannered, kind, shows a genuine interest in me. Everyone thinks that the two of us together could be marriage material. However, I keep refusing dates and turning him down because he terrifies me. There’s absolutely no reason to feel this way. He absolutely respects my feelings and keeps his distance now that I’ve said no to seeing him a couple of times and doesn’t make it weird when I bump into him. He seems lovely and he is definitely sexually attractive. On paper, I should definitely want him but I can’t let myself go around him.

The biggest thing that keeps coming up around him is that the idea of sex with him repulses me. He doesn’t repulse me. It’s my own sexual feelings and reactions around him I’m afraid of. It’s almost like I feel virginal around him and like I’d be horrified for him to see me cum or if I let out a moan or something. I can’t imagine telling him what I want or being kinky with him. I just feel kind of appalled at myself.

Like I said, this is was never an issue with my horrible ex, or with my guy friend that I’m into.

Has anyone heard of anything similar? Am I just a lost cause? I’m scared that I’m always going to fuck up something good.

It sounds like you just don't fancy him? And that's ok. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

There's nothing wrong with you! You're just fine! You just don't fancy this guy. I reckon a lot of attraction is a kind of animal thing. There's no rhyme nor reason to it often. You could be with an absolutely stunning fella and he makes you cold all over. Plus if he is making you feel nervous in any way, that's an instinctive thing too. And it pays to always listen to your instincts. Steer clear.

I actually think the opposite to what others have said. I think you would really like it to work between you, and that thought is putting pressure on you, making you feel inhibited around him.

You'd have nothing to lose by going on a date with him and seeing how it goes.

I also think like CherryPlum. I think the chemistry and attraction you feel is scaring you. It's easy to put on an uninhibited act with someone your not that into (which it sounded to me like you have done in the past). Different feeling when you sense the magnetic force of real attraction, like you could lose yourself with this man which could be wonderful but is undeniably thrill

Thrilling and quite scary. Give him a chance, it could be wonderful.