Worst advice ever IMO. If the lack of sex doesn’t end the relationship, there’s a good chance that feeling abused, violated, raped will.
I’ve battled through this for around 10 years because of a medical treatment I was put on back then - I knew that “loss of libido” was a potential temporary side effect, but no one told me that there was a chance that even when I came off it, it just woudnt come back. Since then I’ve encountered so many women who’ve had the same experience.
I’ve had to try and figure out myself what’s happening and why since no doctor is remotely interested in a woman losing her libido. I went to two NHS-run pain management courses and the advice about loss of libido in both was the same - just do it, you’ll get used to it.
This has been a huge learning curve for me. I’ve realised loss of libido and low libido are talked about in the same way despite being very different.
If my sex drive is present but low, I will want sex sometimes - I will have thoughts about sex, I will feel aroused at times. If I want my partner sexually then, even if I’m not fully “in the mood” all the time, I could probably get into it with a bit of anticipation, foreplay etc. Hence all those articles saying that women who have lower sex drives than their partners just need to be built up to it, and posts here from women saying they’re not opposed to sex and they often enjoy it once it’s initiated, they’re just not fussed. For those women, the “go slowly but keep doing it” advice seems more understandable (but still problematic).
Loss of libido is completely different and impossible to describe to someone who hasn’t experienced it. It’s like the sexual part of your brain has been surgically removed, imagine how weird / gross sex seems if you were an alien with no attraction to humans, encountering it for the first time.
Even seeing a sex scene on TV used to make me feel sick. If my DH mentioned a sexual experience we’d had before this changed I felt sick and ashamed. The thought of being touched beyond a cuddle, or kissed with tongues, caused a mix of panic and revulsion. Being groped was honestly traumatic.
I could never explain it to DH who has a very high sex drive and would happily have sex 3-4 times a day every day and can’t even imagine for a second not wanting sex - he thought that even if he weren’t in the mood he’d be indifferent, not repulsed. Thanks to all the absolute bullshit out there on this topic, he went through a phase of saying that maybe if I could change how I thought of sex then I wouldn’t find it traumatic, and that this was something I could somehow control (I fucking wish). In the end I managed to make him sort of understand by explaining that it’s a little bit like someone insisting he needs to have sex with a man - and if he doesn’t want to do it, because he has no sexual feelings for men whatsoever, he just needs to push through it eventually he will come round. He understood that better than anything else because he knows he can’t make himself enjoy gay sex by having it - he’s fundamentally devoid of sexual feeling for men. I told him that the way he feels about sex with men is the way I felt about sex full stop. That helped him understand but it has still been horrendous for him, and for me too.
At first I was in denial and, unbeknownst to DH, I tried to have sex even when I felt like this. This only happened 2 or 3 times and then it never happened again because I felt traumatised by it. I did not want to feel those things about DH as I love him so much. I knew it would lead to divorce bloody quickly. I knew not doing it could lead to divorce too but I couldn’t change it.
Over the last decade, I’ve spent hundreds (possibly thousands) of pounds and a similar amount of time trying to fix this. Doctors wouldn’t help me so I tried to figure it out myself - I paid for every blood test you can think of that could possibly relate to loss of libido, on many occasions. Several things were borderline but nothing overtly wrong that doctors would treat. I’ve read books, seen counsellors, tried to force myself to masturbate (I managed that twice and it was so awful I hadn’t touched myself for literally years since).
DH, despite his confusion and distress and sky high sex drive, never forced me to do anything. He made it clear he didn’t want me to do something I didn’t want to do, so I didn’t.
Since 2008 ish there’s probably been 13 or 14 months where I’ve been able to have sex. It’s like a switch gets flipped on or off and that’s that. Each time it has happened in the past it’s been due to a major hormonal change (coming off hormonal contraception, stopping breastfeeding etc). It seems after these big changes, I just need to give my body 5 or 6 months to regulate and it comes back. I thought great, I’ve cracked it! After I stopped breastfeeding, it took 3-4 months for my sex drive to return. I waited a few months for things to settle and then went back on the pill - it went within a few weeks. I stuck it out for 3 months hoping things would it improve but they didn’t. So I came off the pill and waited for it return - for a couple of months I had a slight drive around ovulation only, then nothing.
It was nearly 18 months. I was at the GP begging them to help me (this is not my only symptom) and being fobbed off again and again.
Then last month, the day before I ovulated, it came back - for 48 hours, then went. I thought okay, even if I only have a sex drive for two days a month, that’s a vast improvement and I can work with that!
Then this month, before my period even finished, it was back. Waited until it was done and got back to having sex - I’m not exaggerating when I say we’ve had sex three times a day for the past week or so. We literally can’t stop ourselves - if DH looks at me a certain way, we are having arc within about 30 seconds.
It’s not all fun though - I am insanely frustrated 24/7, I am never satisfied even after multiple orgasms, I just want it all the time. it’s gone from nothing to so full on I can’t think of anything else.
What changed to make this happen? I have no idea. I am terrified I’ll wake up one day and it will be gone again. I hate having no control of it.
What I do know is that the trust I have in DH, after him respecting my boundaries and not pushing it, is the reason we are having amazing sex every day right now. I guarantee that if I’d been forcing myself to do it every so often for the last ten years despite hating it, I wouldn’t be enjoying sex now.
Phew. Sorry that was so long. Absolutely agree that you shouldn’t have sex when you fundamentally don’t want it and if you’re experiencing a loss of libido, look at your hormones, get your thyroid checked, quit smoking (I did a month ago - not sure if it’s related), get healthy but don’t force yourself to do it. It will only make things worse.
Right, I’m off to wake DH up... 