How to talk to DP about what I need

[Stillawkwardatmyage]

I’ve NC’d for this and it’s my first time on the sex board so please be kind!

I’ve been with DP for 3 yers and our relationship is great in so many ways. Very kind and loving, and so different from my past LTR (over 20 years) which had became emotionally abusive.

The issue is that I really struggle to talk to DP about sex and what I need/want. Our sex life is very vanilla compared with some i’ve Read about and this suits me. I’m my past, sex had become a bit of a battleground and I regularly felt pressured into doing things I was uncomfortable with, and having the ‘perform’ in certain ways.

So, while things are much more loving and tender now, I feel that some aspects need a bit of, shall I say, finessing. I orgasm about 50/60% of the time but I know it could be so much more. I’d like to be able to show my DP how I like to be touched, maybe by doing it myself, or talk to him about what feels good.

It sounds like such a basic thing but we both bloody hopeless with this. He’s similarly silent from his perspective, although always seems very happy.

How do you find the words? Especially when you’ve had a bit of a difficult relationship history? Also, back in the day, any discussion about sex at home when I was young was centred on the message of ‘don’t do it or you’ll get a reputation’ , there was never any suggestion that sex could be enjoyable, for women as much as men!

If you don’t feel comfortable having a sex chat then I’d try giving instructions while you’re actually dong it. So I love it when you do that but could you do it a bit harder. Or try doing to him what you’d like done to you then he might copy. Or ask him, would you like to watch me touch myself so he can see how you like it.

@Onetothree - I have tried a bit of encouragement as we go along, usually when it’s really good, i’m Just not sure he always remembers for next time! Asking him if he would like to watch me is something I would love to do but I have no idea how he would react.

You won’t know unless you ask. Be brave. He might love it!

If you offer to put on a show for him, I can pretty much guarantee how he will react as there are very few men who wouldn't absolutely adore the chance of watching their partner pleasuring herself. If however he reacts adversely, so what? Move on and try something else; don't make a big deal of his reaction (unless it's positive).

Battling against your sex-negative upbringing will be a struggle, and you have my sympathies. My partner was raised a staunch Catholic in a sexually repressed society. She was married and separated with three children when we met in her mid thirties. She had never masturbated, or had an orgasm during sex. She had never either received, or given oral. Sex was a lights out event that gave her no pleasure. Sixteen years later, she is in a very different place. It has been hard work for her to experiment and push her boundaries, but she now loves sex and has a high sex drive.

You can change your sex life; for you it may prove extra tough, because it sounds as though your partner is not that experienced, or adventurous, but you possess the vital ingredient - enthusiasm. I wish you well and hope that you have lots of fun together.

Thanks @xpc316e - that’s encouraging to hear about your partner. I think for me, it’s been more about finding it difficult to say what I like, almost as if there is something not ‘nice’ about it, although I do enjoy sex, particularly with DP.

I suppose what’s worrying about me about offering to show him, is that is comes across as me saying that he needs shown how to do it ‘properly’. It’s not that, it’s more that by incorporating this, and other things, into our sex life, it could make things even better.

I’m just going to have to be brave!

I reckon that you can 'put on a show' for your DP without it being you 'offering to show him how it's done'.

We men are not mind readers and we need help; when I use a vibrator on my partner, I know where her clitoris is but I need to be told how much pressure is wanted, or 'down a bit', 'up a bit', etc., and I certainly don't feel any awkwardness in being given instructions. This sex business demands honesty if we are going to get the most out of it, and I am sure that you can pull on your brave girl pants and do what is necessary.

I know that I try hard to give my partner by reacting to her audio & visual responses to what I am doing in bed, so do make sure you give him adequate 'feedback'. It may be useful to play up your responses a little in order that he gets the message.

Should read 'to give my partner pleasure by reacting to her audio & visual responses'.

OP, ‘suggest you ask him to hold you while you show him. If you carry on as you are you will be full of regrets later.