What am I doing wrong?

[Shelby121]

Hello,

Just wanting to get a bit of advice. 42, never had a real orgasm despite a few relationships. I find it hard to let go unless fantasizing in my head. Just out of an emotionally abusive relationship and was seeing a friend casually for fun. I'm totally unattracted but he is kind and patient and desperate to please me. However still I can't orgasm, he says I'm over thinking. I'm not sure how best to fix this, it feels like I'm in a straight jacket.

I should add said friend wants more from me, but I'm just not attracted to him in that way, but he has been with so many women that I figured if I can't get to that place with him, who could I do it with?

Maybe with someone you are attracted too?

@Signoftimes the thing is my previous partner was attractive to me but the abuse destroyed any attraction. I just feel like I want to feel like I can let go but can't seem to

That’s my point, find someone you are attractive to and is not abusive....perfect combination x

Are you talking about PIV sex, or have you not had an oral orgasm either?

Have you ever orgasmed on your own?
If not - and you want to try to allow yourself to let go - i’d order a Rabbit and try to figure out what makes you tick.
It may be that with a different kind of stimulation - and without pressure to perform (=get there) for the man - that you might be able to relax and enjoy self exploration.
Good luck!!!

I can orgasm on my own but not ever with anyone else. Then I overthink and it stresses me out even more. That's sortof why I let things continue with said friend but just couldn't relax at all. He was incredibly patient but nothing.

It sounds like a psychological issue, your brain is stopping the orgasm sequence for some reason. This can be related to attitudes about sex instilled in us by the likes of parents in our younger years. You just need to figure out, maybe with the help of a therapist, what the underlying reason is. Hypnotherapy can help too. Once you get over this hurdle, a world of amazing lust, wanting and pleasure awaits you.

@Christian77 you might have a point here, my parents never discussed sex in any way so very taboo. I just feel a block when I'm with someone, really yearning for a big connection but never finding it

Your friend didn’t manage. It doesn’t matter how many women he’s been with, he may not be too good at getting women going. Lots of guys don’t realise that good sex and achieving orgasm is literally all in the head, so finding someone who can access that will set you free. There are some people that just turn us on and can instil powerful desire in us, hope you find that!

Did you tell him how to touch you. Did you tell him the how to touch the parts of your body that stimulate you. How long, how gentle, the right place.
Its a two way communication you know.

If you don't have the confidence to instruct a lover in what you want you're on a downhill path.

He has to guess and find out by a process of illumination. Hardly fair on the poor boy

The issue is really

The issue is really in your head, OP.
It may be that the friend that you aren’t really attracted to isn’t the best person to help you, irrespective to how patient or good he is.

If you want to work on it - with him or anyone else, it may be that the first step from coming on your own to potentially orgasming with another person - isn’t going straight to piv sex. It can be some sort of self pleasure in his presence - or with some help from a partner, jsut so that your body has a familiar stimulation, while brain slowly gets used to a presence of another person in that situation....

I can't imagine having sex with someone I wasn't attracted to. When you are attracted and they are lovely you will get on much better. Concentrate on finding the right person first.

Also, consider the freedom program, it seems to me that you still aren't valuing yourself highly enough if you are having sex with someone you don't find attractive.

@tempytemp you've probably hit the nail on the head there, so after my prior relationship, I've been on dates but no one I felt any sort of connection with. I thought sleeping with this friend would make me let go a bit. We never had sex, he just wanted to make me come. He has had much more experience than me and also wants me as a gf so makes a huge effort with me. However when we were together, I just kept thinking I'm not attracted to you at all, then got tense and tight etc etc. I guess the answer from this is to keep dating and hope I meet someone who rings my bell a bit enough to relax with them.

I've been there. Drop the sex with the friend. If you're not attracted to him it's not going to get any better.

I have amazing sex with my boyfriend and I feel confident, relaxed and able to let go. I have the best orgasms with him that I couldn't have with other people.

You need to take some time to yourself and not rush. It'll just damage you more in future when you do find the right type of person and you start thinking about this and how awkward it is, you'll potentially feel embarrassed and have to deal with potentially toxic shame like I did.

I am a massive advocate of sex with as many people as you want by the way. But with people you WANT not just people who are there and willing.

@HeavensNoHellYeah thank you so much for your advice, really resonated with me and helped make me see things a bit clearly. I was just beating myself up about things but hopefully will be different with the right person.