What's yours like?

[an1997]

Pretty personal question but what's your average sex like with your partner? My husband recently has started wanting to become more adventurous with our sex life and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Obviously he would never do anything without my permission but I feel like I want him to enjoy sex so do I do it? He's wanting sex to be rougher, I don't mind kind of rough but not too rough as I don't find it enjoyable. I can tell he really wants to do anal but I had a bad experience with it previously and he wants to introduce toys both for me and himself...I don't know it just feels odd. Is anyone else's partners like this?

Mine, when we used to have sex more than once in a blue moon, was dull, predictable and repetitive.

I could wright the script of exactly who would do what, to who and in what order.

I'd love a lot more spontaneity and excitement, but my DW is very vanilla and never suggests anything other than sex 101 and if I ask her to try something, goes quiet or looks at me blankly, making me feel like a pervert or some deranged idiot.

We lie next to each other, always in bed.

I have to wait for her to initiate to give the signal that it's game on, as if I do, 9 times out of 10 I get rejected, so I never bother as the rejection hurts when it's so frequent.

She will start by touching my nipples as she knows I like that (amongst other stuff, but variety is not her strong point, despite frequent requests and hints - I have to directly ask for stuff time and time again, it never sinks in for next time) then I'll touch her breasts and maybe suck on her nipple a little, followed by stroking or rubbing between her legs, which sometimes after 20-30 rather boring minutes of one way traffic results in her having an orgasm, but not always.

DW might on occasion touch me without me having to request this,, and if she does, it's tentatively and with little enthusiasm and very poor technique, which does very little for me so we then get down to PIV.

PIV is normally me on top for a few minutes, then either she will go on top - laying flat against me (not riding), or if she's recently showered, I'll go from behind. After a few more minutes of either of those positions with no encouragement, feedback or enthusiasm coming back my way, I'll get bored and dispondent, so just try and imagine something far more exciting, or pretend I'm with someone who is really into it and enjoying themselves, then I'll try and cum, however there have been times when its been such an underwhelming experience that I just give up and masturbate later on when I'm alone.

@ConfusedDH god that sounds awful! Have you spoke to her about this and asked if she would be willing to change or try something new? I do try and be more exciting but I just don't know if it's normal to try so much new things...

Go slow ... if you go, at all.
It is OK to consider things -- doesn't mean you should do them, nor feel pressured to do them.
Think about your own needs and desires, too. (2-way street!)
Some people think it's good to mix things up ... others don't!

@an1997 Yes, and it upset her greatly which I regret, but couldn't;t see any other way of conveying my feelings.

She now has insecurities, performance anxiety and even less libido, so by trying to improve things, I made them worse.

I tried encouragement, suggesting things, hints, tips, subtly asking for changes but it went completely under the radar so I eventually had to be more direct.

She had no idea I felt this way and can't see anything wrong with our sex life.

We're having counselling to see if we can get through.

With DH:

He'd snuggle up in bed, hand on boob and and bit of a fondle. If I decided to go through with it, bit of kissing and more boob fondling. I'd give him a hand job until he either moved to go on top or asked me to. PIV until he came. Then we'd stop.
End.
Maybe masturbating until I came, alone, silently.

With AP:

Slowly undressing each other as we kiss deeply, him telling me how he wants me on the bed. Devouring my body and teasing me till I can't take any more. Oral, him making me cum with his mouth, PIV, me spending time give him oral until he cums. Maybe anal, trying new things. Talking dirty and not able to stop touching each other. Cumming 2, 3 times each.

Vanilla sex is called that for a reason. I liken it to vanilla ice cream; I love vanilla ice cream, but I would find it a bit boring if you stipulated that it was the only flavour I could eat for the rest of my days.

There are other flavours to try. You might enjoy them, and you might not. You might try another flavour, quite enjoy it, and settle into alternating it with vanilla. You might adore the new flavour and never want to go back to vanilla, who knows? Ice cream is directly comparable to sex; try something else, because you don't know whether you like it until you give it a shot.

You say that you know he wants anal with you, but you had a bad experience before with it. I accept that, but tell him about it. Tell him that he needs to be super-sensitive about your physical and mental feelings if you are to have another try. Do some research on the subject and obtain some knowledge about how to make it easier.

Tell him of your limits with rough sex and make sure he knows exactly how far you are willing to go.

Nobody is saying that you cannot return to your old favourite, vanilla, if you do try the vast amount of different flavours out there. You might not want chocolate every time, but you might wind up liking a drizzle of chocolate sauce on your vanilla at times.

You will be well aware of the old saying, 'Variety is the spice of life', and it is so true with sex. Don't let him drive the bus all the time; take charge yourself, so that he gets a surprise every so often.

Best wishes, and don't get stuck in a rut.

I’m with Theresa May on this: no sex is better than bad sex!

Why do people put up with crap sex?

Go and get laid, good and proper, and start feeling alive again!

@Christian

How does that work in a loving, committed marriage?

Nobody wants to put up with crap sex, but sometimes its all that is available if there are problems in your sex life.

VirtuallyConfused , I’m virtually confused now. Who’s AP? Alan Partridge? If so, you lucky fecker.

Mostly ours feels very intimate & loving, lots of emotions, eye contact, full blown snogs & want you here & now ..... I love that, it feels like make lurrrve : ) We have it what I think is regular, like 3/4 times a week & if either of us goes a couple of days sex starved we start to pine for each other.

Occasionally I will do a lap dance & demand filth like anal beads 😂

All in all I'm very happy & content if this is it for the rest of my life now - been together a year & madly in love.

It just feels different from previous relationships, whereas before it seemed about sex, this feels like it's about our connection. Happy days 💕

Oh and I'm quite forward, I can just get the urge & begin just erm stroking & touching him up unexpectedly whilst watching tv. I love giving him Oral, strangely enough I was never into giving oral before I met DP.

He's the love of my life & I love our sex life. I have quite a high sex drive but it's all good, we seem pretty well matched in that department.

@an1997 research prostate massage, that would be a new thing to try. You can get an actual toy/ apparatus for it.

@dragonflyflew I think AP means affair partner.....

@VirtuallyConfused Wowsers, such a huge difference between those 2 scenarios