How to find the words plus during/before?

[Methenyouplus4]

DP is not great at fingering/oral sex, too heavy handed/clumsy and (for me) so much pressure directly on the clit that I find it almost painful.

Generally, I just skip these aspects as I get hugely aroused just from kissing/ touching&kissing breasts but would like to offer DH some direction. I have tried in the past during the act but he gets quite defensive "Well I have made you him before like that." Etc. I think it hurts his pride.

Is it better to raise these things at a separate time or actually when you are getting down to it? Or can I point him towards any literature? Is there a way to verbalise what I want that is less likely to provoke a defensive response.

What sort of direction are you giving? If it’s phrased as ‘not like that’ or ‘do it like this’ then, in my experience, that’s when some men can get defensive. Try ‘I love it when you...’ or ‘xyz feels so good’ maybe?

Don’t waste your time, some people are just crap at sex, while others light fires. Find a better one, it will blow your mind!

Have you tried talking over a coffee and then follow on with the “let me take your hand approach”.

Oral sometimes needs some “instruction from the bridge”, try the “that’s nice, now go a little lower, that’s especiall lovely” type gentle guidance.

Also are you confident enough to let him watch you masterbate. That can be a wonderful learning curve.

Christian- should have said we have kids, are married and am very happy in other areas so not that straight forward!

Candle- with oral, I've told him I don't like it (which is a white lie) as was just not at all enjoyable with him. I have perhaps been a bit tactless like pulling away when he is being heavy handed or just moving his hands. I have said I prefer it when he's gentle but to be fair, that's probably too vague.

Star- have masturbated in front of him before, but I think he has viewed it as a way to turn us both on (he was also masterbating) rather than observing to get tips. I think I might have to say 'can we explore this together' or something. To his credit, he does want to pleasure me and will ask to go down on me or start to but I just put my hand on his chin and guide him back up- that can't be great for his ego either.

As a guy, I love to get guidance during the action - but I think it's generally true that everyone prefers positive feedback (about what is working or will work rather than what isn't). If he isnt listening (or you can't manage that), then later a discussion about what you could do to make sex more pleasant for him should naturally turn into a discussion about what he does well and what you really like and how he can be just the best lover ever!!

Bloody men! Such delicate flowers, aren't we....

The best guidance my wife ever gave me was a loud
"What ARE you doing?!"
Ok, that wasn't my best day - but it made for more care in future.

Grab his wrist or hand and guide him. When I was first with my partner I was pretty light weight and was quite surprised when I was guided to be much firmer. It's taken me a while to develop the required strength/stamina for longer sessions! Much fun though

How about take the approach of "I read in a magazine this week that oral can feel really good for some women with a more gentle approach and maybe that's what I need? Can we try it?"

Then you can start saying "Oh yes that feels great, keep licking me soft and slow like that" and if he starts to get more forceful, just say "Oh no, keep it nice and soft, it feels really amazing".

I tend to be more direct and have said to guys before
"What trade are you in?"
"Lorry driver"
"My clitoris is not your 16T trailer tow hitch, love"

"my clitoris is not your 16T trailer tow hitch love" 😂😂

Love it @NotTheFordType

Or the ones who rub at it like a scratch card....whyyyyyyyyy

This is DH’s specialist subject. Honestly I would quite happily sacrifice every other sexual activity besides this because it’s so amazing.

For me, when I had kids things changed quite a lot - my clitoris varied between dead and hyper sensitive. As a result he moved on to a lot more internal stuff. The other revelation was that my g spot was suddenly a lot easier to find and more effective once I reached my 30s.

Having rarely ever cum from penetration before, I can now have multiple orgasms without him going anywhere near my clitoris at all. Add in some gentle stimulation there too and he has to peel me off the ceiling.

I think it’s actually really difficult for men to stimulate the clitoris really effectively - for me anyway. It’s so small, and for me the difference between finishing or not can be as little as touching one spot or touching a few mm away. When I’m touching myself I have to change it up a lot because it gets too sensitive and I’d have to give constant running commentary for it to be as good as it could be.

IMO if you’re wanting to train him up, in this kind of situation it work well to ask him to finger you gently, giving positive reinforcement when he’s doing something good, while you touch your own clitoris. Ask him to watch you while he does it - kneeling between your open legs while it’s happening is a good way, use your other hand to spread yourself and let him really see what you’re doing. Hopefully he will pick up on a few of your best moves. If you want him to be more gentle but gets defensive, tell him you want him to tease you slowly and pile on the praise when he does what works for you.