Grinding to a halt

[November2017]

Now, my sex life has never been great, probably because I am a bit shit at it I guess, but I wonder if it is now over. I should point out this post is written from the context of a stable and loving marriage.

DW is 44, and probably in menopause. I asked her the other day whether she ever really felt like doing anything, and she replied that those type of thoughts had simply stopped.

I absolutely said that I never want her to attempt anything that she isn't into - but I think that realistically means it.

One should never have regrets, but I am often amused by postings that set "3 or 4 times per week" as the absolute lower limit. I don't recall we got to that on our honeymoon!

The sun is shining, I probably ought to get into gardening :)

Thanks etc

I think to be in that position at 44 is really sad and would suggest something is wrong. Please talk with her because a loss of intimacy in a marriage in my view almost inevitably leads to a marriage eventually breaking down. Marriage is different to friendship for a reason

Basically what MarieG10 said! I am the same age as you and for me, that would be a massive issue. I wouldn't necessarily put too much store by the whole '3 or 4 times would be absolutely minimal for me' opinions as that it is something that differs from person to person - there is no set rule! You only get one go around in life so think carefully if you are willing to sacrifice your own wants and needs for the remainder of your life. If your DW is no longer interested in that side of things then that is her right and her prerogative but you have to consider your own happiness too.

She’s sexually dead (with you anyway), you’re not. She’d probably be quite happy if you never touched her again. Talking is pointless, it is what it is. Separate, or stay and get your rocks off elsewhere. Life is way too short to be unfulfilled.

What sort of frequency have you been used to over the years? I imagine if it’s not a lot here probably not too much adjustment?

I am 32, DW 35, but we havent hit double figures in a year for going on 5 years now. I, from the sond of it like you, long the connection sex brings but is not on the cards. After a painful few years I am coming to terms with it now and whilst it still hurts I hope it will fade over time as I have not plans to leave. Good luck

How long has she been in menopause and has she seen the GP? HRT can re-ignite libido. I've also known a few women say that once they were through the horrible hot flush/horrendous periods phase, things started livening up again.

I'm the wrong side 50 only (by 1 year!) and if anything I'm more 'up for it' than ever! Having said that, I'm still only vaguely peri-menopausal (still regular 28 day cycles, no hot flushes, no lubricating issues) but I'm fully prepared to pursue the hrt route when that changes. I definitely don't want (or intend anything to grind to a halt with my DP and I have every intention to fool my body in that respect!

44 is young for the menopause & if she really is menopausal, she ought to take HRT till the average age of menopause (51) to protect against osteoporosis.

I think some women use "the menopause" as an excuse to not "have to" have sex.

I also think some women genuinely have a change in libido with the menopause, but it doesn't have to be down - mine went up. I had no problems with arousal or lubrication at all, but went on HRT because of hot flushes causing sleep disturbance.

My partner and I are in our late 50’s (I’m through the menopause) and our sex life had pretty much dwindled away over the years. We’ve been together for 40+ years so it’s not like we’re going to get any new surprises.
So, what (accidentally, but also fortunately) did the trick for me was reading erotic literature. Suddenly my interest was renewed and my libido revved - and my DH is very grateful 😀
You need a spark to light the flame - and sparks are hard to come by in long term relationships, no matter how much you love each other.