Is it normal?

[mrspicklepants27]

For a man to never want to have sex? Married for 5 years. His sex drive is practically zero.. I'm not even 30 yet, i cant live like this.
Ive tried so many different approaches, lingerie etc he's just never interested in me.

Same boat here, you husband would be a good match for my wife.

I dont know how they do it. I feel so undesirable and ugly, he makes no effort to make me feel any different to that

Definitely NOT normal.
Have you talked to him about this? If not, you need to do so.

Mis-matched sex drives seems to be one of the most talked about subjects in sex and relationships, and can be a REAL problem. You may want to consider counselling

I'm in a similar boat to StressdGuy, but my DW and I are at least talking about it, and things have improved (slightly), but not to where I'd like them to be. :(

Ive given up talking about it, he always brushes it off. Tries to make out its not a problem. Its making me completely miserable i dont know what else to do. I cant do this for the rest of my life

It isn't the norm but it does appear you are not alone from reading others on here. All it does is make me feel so lucky as my husband wants it lots and I love feeling wanted like that.
I just could not live with the situation you describe and feeling so unwanted . Sadly if there is nothing that can be done for him to change you have to decide whether to separate. I know for me it would be a deal breaker

Thanks MarieG10 but can i justify breaking my family up just because i want more sex? What sort of woman/ mother would that make me. He says im selfish. Im completely torn.
I totally understand and appreciate the advice, i would probably say the same to someone else in my situation. Im better at giving advice than taking it it seems 😊

Mrs Pick..I think the issue is that it probably isn't just about sex. These things tend to manifest in other areas of your marriage and as time goes on you will probably become more resentful and bitter. Read posts from people on here that live with things to bitterly regret it as they are much older. In the end though sex is about a lot of things, love, desire and carnal as it is the lovely feeling you have from being intimate like that

Surely better for your children for you to be happy and not settle for a relationship which is more of a friendship

@SurreyDadV

We've talked about it to death but not found a solution.

My issue is that unless I initiate, it just won't happen, which makes me feel rubbish that she never does, even if I leave it for ages.

if I do initiate, 3 out of 4 times I'll get regected, and the 1 time, she agrees, she's just not enthusiastic or into it, so the sex is then poor quality and one sided.

Because she's not into it, she's usually not wet enough, despite ages of foreplay which is further dispiriting, and then it takes forever for her to orgasm despite my best efforts.

It's just soul destroying, frustrating and disappointing in equal measure.

Who wants to have sex with someone who's heart isn't in it?

It's got to the point now where I find it so boring, one sided and lacking in any kind of passion, spark or chemistry, I actually don't enjoy it and can't orgasm myself anymore, so just stop half way through and give up, which doesn't leave her hanging in frustration, more concerned with why I didn't finish. When I explain, we're back to square one again.

It's like trying to take someone out for a meal in a favourite restaurant who's just not hungry and after a lot of persuasion, orders a salad and glass of tap water, but leaves half of it, claiming they're full.

The problem is now that as we're effectively living like friends with no sexuality between us, I'm losing my attraction to her. I no longer look at her and feel desire. It's making me see flaws and faults and just not fancy her any more, where previously, the love and (what little) chemistry kept the plates spinning.

StressedGuy it sounds like youve just described my marriage down to a T but the roles obviously reversed

I honestly feel we're heading for the end of the road.

I've been away with work previously, once for a 2 week business trip. Not once did I get a naughty or suggestive message. Not once did the evening conversation heat up. Not once did I hear that she can't wait for me to get home to do x,y, z.

I got plenty of I miss you, and it's not the same when you're gone, but in no way anything sexual.

I started to question myself and whether my expectations were unrealistic, but then I decided no, it just doesn't feel right.

After two weeks away, I drove home and walked through the door, desperate to see my beloved wife again and make love passionately.
I imagined her grabbing me as soon as I walked through the door, me dropping my bag and us heading off up stairs. Unrealistic? Foolish of me? Would nobody else feel the way I felt?

What happened when I got home?

Sod all.

I got a hug, a few 'normal' kisses and a nice cup of tea made for me, very nice and thank you, hope you enjoy the perfume.

It was 3 days before we had sex again and even that was lack lustre.

That was the first real time in our marriage that a crack developed.

For the record, there was no period, no illness, no unusual circumstance that could be blamed - there was simply no desire, and when there's that little desire (i.e none), to my mind, it's doomed.

It's now the big subject, the huge obstacle we can't get past and the source of all our sadness and frustration.

I've always had a high sex drive and feel no shame whatsoever in admitting I'd like it every, or most days, with twice on a weekend etc being perfectly reasonable.

I also accept that we're all different and sometimes a compromise has to be reached - my bottom limit would be 3-4 times a week. Less than that just doesn't work for me.

I've not changed since I've been an adult - I'm exactly what it says on the tin. Exactly what she married, as advertised.

If things don't change, I'll be gone when the children leave home.

And for those that go on bout a healthy environment for the kids to grow up in, they are non the wiser. We cuddle, hug and show affection in front of them on a daily basis and everything is fine from their perspective - no rows, no atmosphere, no problems - I manage to lock it up and hide it well.

Tick follows tock....

There is no normal when it comes to sex drive. It is OK for your partner to be like this. It is OK for you to feel the way you do about it. What you have to do is work out what is going to happen as a result of those feelings.

I think that viewing this as either normal, or not, is a deeply negative thing to do. He is what he is, and cannot flick a switch to be more 'normal' and we ought to stop stigmatising him for how he feels and what he is.

Sex can sometimes be weaponised..

I really relate to a lot of what is being said here. Being with someone who is not really sexual and therefore soul-destroying between the sheets is dispiriting to say the least. Token efforts same to intensify resentment.
Breaking up a relationship for this seems a bit shallow to me, but maybe that’s just a self defence mechanism. With kids involved, you really have to tough it out till they grow up, then it’s decision time. The problem with that is that you may have lost your mojo by that point. I feel that I have a right to a good sex life, so I meet a good friend every week or two to have glorious, physical sex. This keeps us both happy and able to handle the other side of our lives without bitterness and resentment. So life moves forward and we are all largely content.

Maybe you could have an all round better relationship with your special friend,or is that not possible?

We both like it just the way it is.

It’s exciting, warm, safe, secure, without that horrible over familiarity.

I wouldn’t change a thing and don’t think she would either.

I have come to realise that we need different people for different things.

"I've been away with work previously, once for a 2 week business trip. Not once did I get a naughty or suggestive message. Not once did the evening conversation heat up. Not once did I hear that she can't wait for me to get home to do x,y, z."

Not everyone does sexting and talking dirty. Did your DW use to do this and then stopped or are you actually expecting her to behave like a totally different person?

It's normal if he's asexual, sure.

How were things before you married?