Has anyone got any words of wisdom for me? My fantastic dp and ED

[stilllearnin]

Hello. I know this has been done before and I don’t really know what I am looking for here but I’m really struggling.

We’ve been together for around 4 years and hugely in love. Both eaely 40s. I had come out of a long relationship where sex was never good. Sex with my dp is fantastic- he is, or was, the sexiest person I’ve ever known.

It started to wain about 6 months in and this last year down to very little. He finds it hard to talk about and I’ve also taken it personally which didn’t help. For context, he has an ex who’s the love of his life and he says she was super sexy. They had an adventurous sex life, all nighters, although a lot of it was coke fuelled I think and I don’t do drugs. I have put on over 3 stone and I have depression (although I am fastidious about not taking it out on him and I take my meds properly).

He has said, quite cruelly I think, that it’s my depression. But honestly most people don’t know I have it. I’m cheery and optimistic and I do a lot to help myself. I can’t do much more.

Anyway, it turns out that he has ED and every time we’ve had sex he’s taken viagra (actually an internet bought equivalent). Until this week when we managed a proper conversation, I thought this was just with me. But apparently he took it every day with his ex. So does ED make you lose libido too?

I feel so low about it. I snog him a lot which he loves. But I have to instigate it. We cuddle. He talks about my impressive bosom and that’s about it. I cannot tell you how sad this makes me. I have known and loved him since I was a teen, but I’m finding it hard to manage my feelings and it’s also sent me into an overrating spiral. I feel unfanciable. I know my relationship with my body isn’t down to him. But stil.,,

Any useful words or advice?

Few typos but hopefully you get the gist

The only real advice I can give is to tell him to go and speak to his GP. There are various root causes that might explain his ED and/or reduced libido but the chances of anyone giving an accurate diagnosis third hand via the Internet are slim to none.

Also, buying Viagra (or generic equivalents) on the internet is a mug's game. You've got absolutely no idea what active ingredients are in them regardless of what it says on the box or how professional they look. They could have all sorts of shit in them or nothing at all. He can buy legitimate Viagra from chemists now without a prescription and a quick Google suggests that Boots will also sell it online now.

Really though, he should see his GP to make sure there a no underlying root causes that could have more serious health implications.

Thanks. He has been to the GP who said there’s no physical cause apparently. That was some years ago. And I’m not keen on internet pills (though a lot cheaper). But it’s his body.

Really I’m looking for help with my feelings about it and how I handle it. I feel completely unattractive and inferior to his ex. He is still hurt by her but doesn’t talk about her and has no contact so I don’t have any worries there. I’m just being silly. We did have sex recently- we literally booked it in. He sent me to make a cup of tea while he took a pill. I felt humiliated which is bloody selfish of me. The sex was quick but great. He made sure I did my favourite things. Also he’s great at all sorts of sex so why does he need to be hard to get interested. I’m not a man so maybe that’s a stupid question. I feel really tearful about it and maybe I’ve got it out of proportion

Ok...first to be open and say I’m male but....

What should you do? Honestly from what you write I would say it is him that has the problem and is trying to blame you, with you in turn losing your confidence.

From what you have said it is a problem he has, I wonder if what is going on is that he needs extra helps physiologically to perform (ie coke or viagra). This could be a place he has got his head into.

For what it’s worth I think he needs to go back to the doctors to have another physical checkover. I suspect from what you have said there isn’t anything but worth finding out...right? He clearly can get an erection albeit with ‘help’ from a pill. The question though is whether the pill is the real solution (to be fair for true ED it could be)

Please don’t blame yourself for any of this and don’t compare yourself to his ex. Sexiness cannot be measured in weight.

He needs to want to solve this as much as you, else all it will do is eat away at your confidence.

Signposted! Thank you so much. A measured male point of view is just right. You’re right that sexiness can’t be measured in weight- I’m mixing it all up in my mind. I need to work on my self confidence in any case. So I’m going to start there.

And yes I’ll suggest the dr. He got his blood pressure down by stopping smoking and came off meds for a bit. He hoped he might have a happy side effect from that but not at all.

I still kiss him and touch him but I can’t make sexual advances really. I should talk to him about it to see if that makes it better or worse.

But even if I can improve my outlook he is going to have to find a way because I can’t face a sexless relationship.

Its his issue not yours and to be honest it totally awful that he is trying to pass off his insecurities onto you, if he has never been able to perform even with the sexiest girl in the world its not about you. However I once went out with a guy who used to bang on about how amazing, sexy, smart his ex was (she cheated and left him so no threat there) but it was a total and utter confidence eroder. Throw in ED and I think you would be talking me down from the nearest bridge !! I would seriously reconsider this relationship. You had 6 months out of 4 years of a good sex life and his answer is to blame you

Hey Stilllearnin

Yes, talking is the key. He needs to work with you on this so that understand what is truly going on

I’m with you on the sexless thing....wouldn’t work for me either (I am having a similar conversation with my wife).....perhaps you need to include that fact in your discussion

Yes, I’d be happier understanding it better. It’s quite difficult when you don’t.

He says it’s not me but then says it’s me being depressed. Yes I’d prefer not to have it too! But honestly I still hold down a good job, limit my alcohol intake, get outside, pursue my hobby, go to a great counsellor. And I’m careful not to spread it about.

His ex cheated on him too...lots. He knows I’m not going to do that and there’s no mind games with me. We’ve both been clear about that.

He may have had ED before, but he hadn’t lost his libido before being with me. I really need to let that one go, don’t I?

We still want to be together, I know that much.

Thank you so much for your replies. It’s so helpful. I can’t talk to anyone IRL. The counsellor perhaps, but I’ve not been ready.

‘He may have had ED before, but he hadn’t lost his libido before being with me. I really need to let that one go, don’t I?’

Yes, that is not you, it is him

Hope it goes well for you both. The fact you want to be together is a good start x

OP, the problem here is his, not yours. I’d wager good money that this super-sexy goddess who preceded you would have quite a different opinion of their sex life. There is something not right about a relatively young guy who needs viagra every time. I can understand him needing a boost if he’s tired or a bit under the weather, but no more than that. He can’t get it up, for whatever reason, and is subtley trying to put the blame on you. Not so manly. I can’t remember who said it, but the gist of it was that you should shag the one your with and be grateful for the experience. You need a night with a man who rises to the occasion to restore your womanly confidence, perhaps suggest this to him!

Hi Christian. Womanly confidence sounds like a great idea and this is exactly how he used to make me feel. I do feel loved though.

He says it’s his age but nearly all my partners have been older, sometimes his current age and I haven’t come across it before. I’m going to give that some more thought. I think occasional issues are common but not every single time. Perhaps he’s become reliant on meds.

But thank you for the reminder and reassurance that it’s not me causing it. Of course that doesn’t tackle the thing itself but it might help with how I feel about it.

stilllearni. It’s obvious I’m male but hope you will find my thoughts helpful because I’ve had ED and am now impotent - but being elderly not a surprise.

When it first happened my wife asked was it to do with her, definitely not as my lust (libido) was certainly still there. We tried viagra but didn’t get on with it. Fortunately, we worked out ways and means of both of us having orgasms.

I’ll repeat it one more time - it’s not you, it’s him and I feel it’s mean of him to suggest otherwise. He’s needed viagra and coke most of his life, what’s that go to do with you?

You still snog him, wow, that shows real confidence; he likes your impressive bosom, then ... ‘OK matey, get my top and bra off and get to work ...’ I leave the rest to you ...

When OH started snogging me, I could easily tell what she wanted ... Now this may sound strange, but me being the person she was ‘using’, gave me so much pleasure.

Your fella has a lot to learn.

Thank you. It’s surprisingly difficult to talk about even for the open minded. This is the thing - he’s very good in bed and not heavily into penetration really. He likes to take his time and loved to make me feel good. It’s just dwindled to practically nothing. I think it’s all bundled up together and his own confidence possibly wavering.

I absolutely love kissing him- I think about it on my way home from work 😁. He knows how much I want him and also that I don’t need banging for hours. I like connection.

We did have a conversation this weekend. He masturbates occasionally but doesn’t get hard. So I gently pointed out that it couldn’t all be down to me then and that maybe a doctor visit help. He’s not ruled it out.

Thank you so much for your replies- I feel like I’m betraying him a bit so can you imagine what it’d feel like to confide IRL!

An update- just in case anyone is following. Finally plucked up the nerve to speak to my counsellor about this. Quite frankly wish I’d done it bloody ages ago. She knows herself.

So the advice was to take sex off the agenda. I actually knew this but this part of my communication with dp had suffered so I couldn’t suggest it in the right way.

She suggested maybe a hand massage for now. We actually do hold hands and cuddle. We do kiss a bit. So dp and I chatted about it and decided we would draw the line at kissing. The advice is this takes the pressure off both of us. If anything stirs erection wise you ignore it. In time you can move the goalposts.

Well, we’ve just had a snogging session and oh la la! So sexy! So happy and grinny and relaxed we were. Felt like old times. I’m sure there’ll be ups and downs but it did feel better. He said ‘we’re going to be alright, you know’. My fantastic dp

Brilliant news

This good. See how you go. Early 40s is very young to have ED. Many he needs to lay off the pills and especially any drugs if he is doing

His GP can give him a private prescription for Sildenafil ,that will cost him £8 for 12 tablets, half a tablet should work.

Interesting @flatbellyfella but Marie and other pps are right, he really needs to try it without meds. He did ok today and because we had to ignore it, it was very sexy.

It could be connected to an enlarged prostate gland, if it is, they can now do a procedure to help him.

Sounds like he is still in love with his ex doesn't it. "She is the love of his life". Reminds me of Meatloaf song- I want you, I need you but there ain't no way I'm ever going to love you so don't feel sad, two out of three ain't bad. Sorry but you are not the problem. You are just not her.

I'm not sure how I'd feel about my partner of 4 years calling another woman the love of his life and "super sexy"?

Op I find it quite concerning that he has openly said to you that his ex was the love of his life, sexy etc. Now we are all grown ups, most of us have s past any many of us have exes we have loved. The difference is though when you've moved on you feel indifferent romantically towards your ex, I thought one of my exes was the love of my life at the time, very attractive and the sex was great. But right now as I'm over him he doesn't get a second thought and I certainly don't miss what we had as my DH is my here and now who I've moved on with and nobody else comes close. I honestly think you need to address him idolising her, it's disrespectful and cruel to you tbh.

Don't have time to RTFT but four sildenafil on a private prescription cost between £6-£8. Don't buy off the internet, and don't buy direct from the chemist.