Is this a ‘bad’ sex life? (May be triggering)

[SqueakyPigs]

Name changed for this post but I’ve been on the site a while and it has always given me good advice.

I’m worrying a little about my sex life with my boyfriend, sorry if the explanation is a little convoluted but I’m trying to get everything out in a way that makes sense.

My boyfriend and I started chatting on tinder in June but didn’t meet until September. We’re both 20 and at uni and he was a virgin when we met. I, however, was not (I guess) as I was sexually assaulted when I was 18 which took my virginity. I hadn’t slept with anyone since.

My boyfriend and I slept together quite soon after we met (a few weeks) as I’d told him all about the rape and felt comfortable. However, he can’t seem to cum with condoms on and I’m not on the pill due to other medications I take for migraines. I’ve never made him cum during intercourse (he says it feels good but he doesn’t get close) and have only gotten him close with a blowjob or made him cum when he has helped with a hand.

We did, however, do something stupid and at the end of my period in November we had unprotected sex (I got tested and so did he, just incase) at the end of my period and he came very quickly (about 2 minutes).

Is this a problem with me, him or the condoms? I think he may be worried about hurting/upsetting me as the first few times we attempted sex we had to stop and it’s still early days really . I’m just worried that the amazing sexual chemistry everyone talks about isn’t there and I’m wasting our time.

I enjoy sex, he makes me feel safe and valued and is not selfish in bed. He’s up for trying new things and I am going to discuss taking the pill with my doctor but should things be like this so early on? It makes me self conscious but I never tell him as I don’t want to make it worse for him if it’s an issue with him being nervous still since he was a virgin 3 months ago.

Just looking for some friendly advice I guess as he’s just not finding it amazing and I feel like it’s my fault. I have discussed this with him and he said he doesn’t want to force me onto the pill but it felt better without a condom and we wouldn’t consider doing it unprotected again, we just didn’t realise how effective it would be and how quickly he would finish. I’ve discusswd a few ideas about trying new positions etc which he’s up for but I’m just wondering if we should be finding it amazing at this point?

He’s supportive, we get along brilliantly in all other ways and he can’t keep his hands off me but actual sex isn’t very enjoyable for him and he prefers blowjobs (for which I’m going to try and improve my technique) to full on sex but never ever pressures me. He’s wonderful I just don’t want him to get sick of rubbish sex as I’m just starting to really feel comfortable.

Thanks in advance, sorry it’s long and confusing, I was trying not to drip feed.

Would just like to add, we tried femidoms and they didn’t help him and we’ve ordered some larger condoms as he says they feel tight but have yet to try them. Could the pill solve everything? (I hope so)

You're both very young and inexperienced so it will take a while to get things the way you both want them. In relation to him not being able to cum - this isn't unusual, but it's getting more and more common due to men (and women) relying too heavily on porn. Real sex doesn't do the job, as the fantasy is a lot more extreme. Also, men who watch a lot of Porn and masturbate a lot end up needing that tight (un-vagina like) grip of their hand and P in V intercourse is unsatisfying compared to their hand. If you are not happy, or if he is not happy, you need to communicate about it. That is the key.

The problem us with him.

First, the condom bullshit has been going on since they were invented, it's a standard male myth to cover up the fact that they don't know what they're doing. There is actually very little in it, sensation-wise and they are there for a bloody good reason. Don't buy into that crap about condoms.

Don't think you should be changing a technique, because of his own difficulty to relax and enjoy what you are doing, its for him to learn the sensations of his own body and roll with it.

Sex is a shared intimacy, not a mechanical activity. He needs to learn the ins and outs of what he is doing, not pass the buck on to you.

I always felt like he was trying but I didn’t want to put too much pressure on him

Get some advice from your GP, they will know all the options and are used to explaining them.

Yes, he ought to see his GP. At the age he is, using condoms shouldn't be preventing his orgasm (incidentally, does he wear them for BJs?).

There are all manner of reasons for these problems, and over-use of porn is a common one. I would suggest he gives up the porn if he's using it. Not so sure about death grip, which is controversial. Either way, it clearly sounds like he has an issue that he ought to address with someone appropriately qualified.

Btw, condoms make a big difference to me, however, I'm in my 40s. They didn't 20 years ago.

I don't think you need to worry about sex not being fantastic straight away and I reckon it's quite normal for things to go not quite as planned. Just enjoy the journey and please don't put yourselves under pressure.

I am going to speak to my GP regarding the pill after my January exams, I was initially against hormonal contraception as I get debilitating migraines which are only managed, not diagnosed, so I was worried about making them worse (which may be overly cautious) as I’m studying a very full-on degree and don’t want to miss more lectures/practicals etc than I have already.

I will encourage him to speak to his GP too. He doesn’t wear condoms for BJs but that could be issues with my technique, I guess, plus I get tired after 10/15 mins. He recently said the BJs we’re starting to feel better and he was getting closer and could I try for longer but it’s just so disheartening.

He does masturbate but I don’t think he watches porn that often, maybe once a week or so? We tend to see each other 2-5 nights a week and we always try to have sex but he just seems to get nowhere. I thought the femidoms could be the answer but they didn’t help at all.

*were.
Sorry about typos

A lot of men have issues with using condoms, having to pause to put one on can make a man lose his errection and some people just don’t like the feel of them. I’m sure it’s nothing you are doing wrong. Masterbation can cause problem with ejaculation, if he does it a lot he can lose some sensation in his penis. Before he met you the only way he has ejaculated is through masterbation so getting used to doing it another way may take time.

There are many forms of contraception, the pill is only one of them, a lot of people use the injection and the implant now so there are several things you can try.

I think the main issue is probably nerves, it’s all pretty new and he’s probably worried about getting it wrong so he isn’t relaxed. You could always try relaxing with a bottle of wine first? Might relax him a little.

That’s a good point about different forms of contraception but I really wanted something I could control, at least at first. So going on the pill I know I can stop taking it at any point if I’m worried about side effects whereas the injection can take up to a year to get out of your system, that’s a long time if it’s making you unhappy. I know that’s all my issue to work through and my choice, which I’ll discuss with my GP.

I had thought about asking for the copper coil but know is rare to be given it at my age (according to my peers), especially as the first option. I’d also be worried about how I’d cope with insertion and how uncomfortable it is.

I think I’ll suggest he reduces his masturbation and see how that helps. I know he is nervous and self conscious too though hence why I want to do all I can to help as we’re really good in all other ways.

I can't feel hardly anything when using a Condom and female partners have expressed the same when I'm using them.

I can climax very quickly without a Condom and so have my female partners.

Don't believe rubbish made up about people now been addict to porn........ people have been pleasuring themselves for thousands of years long before internet porn was available

Thanks for your input, TongLong. Do you believe ditching the condom and going on the pill will improve things massively then?

I’m just a bit disappointed with the sex we’re having, more because he just doesn’t really seem to enjoy it. I don’t feel like we can try many new things when we can’t even get normal sex right.

going on the pill will completely changes it for me........and everyone I know

You said he climaxed in a few mins without a Condom.

I struggle with a condom, getting correct fit helps...... without no problem

9/10 of my partners preferred it without and said they can climax better when I did not wear a condom.

I guess I’ll try the pill, but if I suffer due to side effects, where do we go from there?

My future DH and I started off with condors but we both disliked them and definitely spoiled the experience. I went on the pill which I was lucky with and was fine and our sex life was much nicer..contrary to some I enjoy DH coming in me as I feel it is part of the intimacy.

What I do wish I had tried earlier was the Mirena coil. I didn't try until after my pregnancies but it is brilliant and I should have used before. I really recommend it as it is a low dose progesterone, feel fine and it completely stops my periods as well.

Hope you find something that works

He does masturbate but I don’t think he watches porn that often, maybe once a week or so?

While I would caution against assuming that porn use is the problem, I would beware of assuming that what he tells you is accurate: it's very personal and potentially embarrassing. It's a matter that he ought to raise honestly and confidentially with his GP.

I would want to encourage you by saying that you're doing everything right, however, from what you say the problem is clearly his and ultimately only he can solve it. I really hope things work out for you.

Thank you both for your replies, they’ve both given me some things to think about and consider.

I don’t think he’s currently considering talking to a doctor but I may suggest it

Try not masturbating for a week (both of you), then have sex using condoms (he needs to try a few to get the right fit). Maybe try Skyns or try the Durex extra thins. DH had this problem before we started having unprotected sex, and when he changed condoms (and I think masturbating less), and we relaxed about it all, he was much better!

I don’t personally masturbate, I never thought about it before the rape as I was just busy with school etc and now couldn’t bring myself to. I’m only just getting used to him touching me and I’m working on not associating sex with what happened although I only asked him to stop the first time due to pain and have never again mentioned it during or anything. We’ve also tried the extra thin ones and it still didn’t help

He really wants to try anal but I don’t know if it’d be too triggering for me