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Original poster

Should I admit to 12 year lie?

13 replies

Braneycat · 09/12/2018 22:58

So me and DH have been together 12 years. We got together really young (16) and while I was experienced sexually, he wasn't. I think most women would agree that we were taught that the make orgasm was more important than our own, and as he was quite insecure about my sexual partners and lack of his own, I faked most of my orgasms. Its now been 12 years, he has long gotten over his insecurities, but I'm still faking. He thinks it only takes me a couple of minutes, but in reality I'm worried about it taking longer incase he thinks there's an issue and I feel really self conscious when I try to orgasm in my own time. Should I just own up so we can work through it together? I do actually enjoy our sex life, but we've had a big rocky patch recently and I was very honest about alot of things and it was very helpful in opening communication.

OP posts:
Original poster
Braneycat · 09/12/2018 22:59

*male sorry!

OP posts:
OneToThree · 09/12/2018 23:22

I wouldn’t. I’d just say you’re really struggling to orgasm at the moment. Then you can start to work on it together that way.

sadiesnakes · 10/12/2018 07:08

Yeah, don't. It won't help being honest about this. Very difficult to say how he'd take it and 12 years is a really long time. I'd do what pp says and have sudden difficulties orgasming, then teach yourself how to do it with him.

HeavensNoHellYeah · 10/12/2018 11:35

Do you have kids?

If so, say that since then, things feel different down there and you'd like to try some other techniques. There are also techniques for different kinds of female orgasms so you could say you have recently learned this and would like to try some.

From the ages and time given you're my age. And I don't think you can class yourself as experienced at 16 just because you'd had more sex.

What's your sex life with him like compared to others you've been with? Have you actually spoken about insecurities? How do you know he's gotten over them? My boyfriend has massive insecurities to the point that he has openly told me he cannot even stand the thought of other men looking at me. But he's fantastic in bed, best sex I've ever had. Insecurities just aren't that simple and it's not really to do with experience because we do things neither of us have tried before and it's still amazing. In fact the first times usually the best I like to do something new for a few weeks and then leave off it for a while to get that new feeling back when we do it again.

pudding21 · 10/12/2018 11:38

OP: I have a very close friend who admitted to her husband she had been faking for years and it nearly destroyed them. It stemmed from her first sexual experience with an older guy (probably groomed as a teenager but at the time it didn't seem like that), who told her every woman he slept with always orgasmed. She couldn't work out why she didnt, so she started faking it and it continued. Very sad. Anyway, its taken a long time but her and her husband are having a healthy fulfilled sex life.

I would say do what PP have suggested and bring up you are having trouble having an orgasm, and go from there. Build up again from sratch. But dont tell him you have been faking for 12 years (in my opinion).

glitterypink · 10/12/2018 16:03

I definitely agree with the other posters. In this case a white lie is harmless as I think the truth would really hurt him.
Just say you're really struggling, and the more you're thinking about it the harder it's becoming to orgasm.....that way you can work on it together.
Good luck!

Christian77 · 10/12/2018 20:34

Faking it is something some women do for a variety of reasons. What they don’t perhaps realise is that most guys know what they doing, but they don’t rock the boat, because they’re getting what they want. You best say nothing, it’s not that important in the grand scheme of things.

RosieBenenden · 11/12/2018 09:10

I agree that you should say maybe a recent thing and try and work through ways to help you cum during sex rather than say whole 12 years has been a lie. My DP knows I've never orgasmed while a man's willy is actually in my vagina but then PIV isn't all its made out to be. I would honestly try and have a couple of weeks focused on mutual masturbating to help bond sexually. It is the only way DP makes me cum but we both know that and simply embrace it for what it is which is hugely pleasurable for me.

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/12/2018 15:52

Have to agree with others, it is difficult to see how anyone would be happy on learning that they have been lied to for nearly all their relationship in such an intimate manner. You will have to accept your guilt and move forward. Being more proactive and changing things will help and hopefully be thrilling for him too

Msl123 · 11/12/2018 19:17

I would slowly build up the "faking time" over a period of months until you reach the point that you can climax in "real time"

You could always drop in every now and again that as the years pass, it can take longer for these things to happen.

Original poster
Braneycat · 11/12/2018 22:25

Okay so I took everyone's advice and tonight we went back to basics. I told him I read about how to breath during sex (I tend to hold mine) and he used his hands on me. I'm pleased to report I had a very intense orgasm! I took my time and made a very conscious effort to not fake it because of embarrassment, it was very intense because he was watching me and it made me feel a little uncomfortable but I did it!

OP posts:
pudding21 · 12/12/2018 14:43

Great news braneycat, here's to many more ;)

subspace · 23/12/2018 00:06

Yay! Go you!

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