Craving tender sensual sex

[cosytidy]

Been w my DP for 7 years & have 2 DC. Pretty happy generally, though am struggling with the juggle of motherhood at the mo. Working, endless life admin, demanding DC, housework that I hate & do most of, DP working a lot, DP has put us under financial stress.
Our sex life has always been ok-I've felt we're not the most compatible sex wise all way thru relationship. He likes 'porn sex'-rough, fast, mot much foreplay/kissing, loves anal. That doesn't do it for me. Plus when he touches me down there it's too rough so hurts.

I've lately been having endless sex dreams & fantasies about sex with other people. Includes his friends, other people we know etc. Awful stuff really.
I'm paranoid I'm going to get drunk & cheat on him & ruin a generally lovely life.

I've tried (& tried) giving hints/talking about softer touching, longer buildup etc but always feels the same. I come about 1 in every 3 times we have sex.

Any advice?

Take charge more. No penetration till you say so and you only say so once there has been enough foreplay. Adding some lube to his fingers might help and he'll be motivated to get it right if nothing is happening until you are ready.

Have you had a blunt conversation with him? Some people need to be told straight, but obviously kindly, for things to improve.

Yeah I think you're right on being blunt. I've tried telling him & showing him in the moment but then he always reverts to too rough next time.
Think part of it is just craving something where someone looks after me. where it's just about me & im not a mum or a wife constantly putting everyone else's needs before her own

Did you ever like that type of sex? Or did you just kinda tell him that you did? Do you actually like anal? That's a big thing to "go along with".

It doesn't sound like you're very happy. I really suggest telling a close female friend or relative about it. You need someone who can really see your situation to give you an honest opinion. Good luck!

Generally that's not my preferred type of sex. I've probably been a bit passive & people pleaser ish about it but I have made lots of effort to have my type of sex. He's younger than me & honestly think younger men are a bit shitter in bed due to porn being more influential.
I am happy (6/10) but the fact I keep dreaming of sex w other people & thoughts are drifting slightly to having sex w someone worries me.

Stop letting him fuck you so soon and tell him why. To put it bluntly.

If he knows what you want (because you've discussed it) then he's just another guy who's a selfish fuck. Tell him no more unless you want it, that'll make him think!

Hmmm. I'm not sure of the answer but I'd say it needs addressing otherwise it will be your undoing. I hear ya. DP is less tender than I'd like and it's put me right off doing the deed.

It feels like one other thing you have to bloody fight for. It should come naturally, I don't care for this "Oh poor menz, if you don't repeatedly tell them not to emulate a pile driver they won't know" shizzle. Its rubbish. They should listen and adjust their behaviour because that's what people who care about others do....

I wish I knew. I'd say it's worth trying to be direct but also positive. Something like 'I'd like a new stage of our sex life - where you are gentle and we go slowly pretty much every time.' Maybe a red card system for 'too fast'?

But no idea whether this could work. No man has ever noticed or carried on with certain key things I like despite me putting it into practice on them. I think they thought that I liked the ritual of it, when I was just trying to point out again and again what I liked!

Tie him up?

Might appeal to him and will leave you in charge to dictate the play.

Thanks for your replies. The problem is I don't like the foreplay-too rough-so I'd rather get on with the main event to end the foreplay. So while I get I should wait til I'm feeling it it doesn't ever happen.
Think the problem is we like different styles, which he's acknowledged. And I feel like I've forgotten what I want cos it's been so long since I slept with someone else (though I dream about it a lot).
I know I need to have a conversation but it's gonna be hard as I'll have to be blunt & I have no idea what to suggest to make it better. 😢

Be blunt. Tell him you dont like rough sex and only orgasm occasionally because of it. That should shame him into listening!!!

If the foreplay is too rough and not turning you on then stop all activity, don't move onto PIV - that's so wrong. Surely if PIV was not an option until you were sufficiently turned on then he would be highly motivated to get the foreplay right.

Foreplay can be gentle and tender - I don't think it should be something that you 'get out of the way'. The more the better in my humble opinion of course.

Well to be honest he sounds a selfish lover who is only interested in meeting his own needs . What is the rest of the relationship like ?because dreaming of and being attracted to others may be telling you that this relationship is not right for you .

If you feel comfortable enough touch yourself to show him or put your hand over his and guide.

He's learned how sexual etiquette and technique from years of shit porn, sounds pretty horrendous.

If that fails end the relationship and let him rub someone else's clit raw.

Oh christ, sounds like a nightmare.

"It's a clitoris love, not a lump of wood you're sanding"

You mentioned he's younger than you - in general I find more mature guys (late 40s up) are much more realistic and gentle with everything sexy times related.