Libido vanished

[SimplySteve]

Ok, I was going to name change for this, but decided not to as so many sexual issues are buried under the carpet, and they really shouldn't be. I feel leaving sexual problems unaddressed results in relationship issues.

Myself (male) and DP (female) together over 20 years, and we've had a great sex life (often, adventurous, loads of hugs and cuddling) until a year ago. My libido literally vanished overnight. We've had sex this year, at most 4-5 times.

I deeply love DP and this is hurting me. Everything has vanished - any form of sexual activity including oral and toys, all the cuddling and kissing - and I know it's hurting DP massively. We've both always seen sex as an integral intimate activity that reinforces our bond.

I'm not masturbating either, and DP never has.

One last thing. I know most women on MN see men posting in various topics (including sex) are looking for some fun in winding people up. It's the reason I've not namechanged, and I've been here a few years now.

Hi OP,

Have you sought any medical help? Are you on any other medication or have there been any major life events that have happened in the last year?

Taking this at face value - I’d ask when are you seing your GP?
Rather than asking strangers on the web?

I haven't sought medical advice no because I've been thinking this must be some form of mental block. I take loads of medication and there's only been one change (happened last July) which added Oramorph (liquid morphine).

I've posted about this because I value the input of posters on MN. I have PTSD, caused by an abusive childhood, and so it's easier for me to post here than speak to my GP. Of course that's on my list of what to do - but actually doing it will be extremely difficult.

It won't be as difficult as letting your DP suffer.
Pull your socks up and see GP asap. Might be trivial and easily sorted. We have one life and it's not long, so just get on with it.
Best of luck.

OP - I am not a doctor. But based on our description of relationship working well, and no hidden resentments toward your partner, or no outside stresses at work or otherswise, no other factors affecting your mental health - not sure where the mental block would come from.

And what came to mind first is some health issue. And now that you mentioned being on a lot of medication - i’d Say definitely need to see your doctor.

Yes, I feel DP is suffering - the frequent sex and intimacy is something she needs, she gets not only the confidence and affirmation sex has, but also the intimacy and the strength of our bond. This is what she's told me since I wrote my OP. She also said that the mental pleasure she gets has more worth than physical (she quickly reinforced that she loves the physicality too, but the mental traits are more important to her).

It frustrates me too. We've a long sexual history and the libido didn't drop because of any factor I can think of. I've always seen sex and intimacy as important. I'm completely focused on her during our sessions.

Yeah I do take a lot of meds. I was taking Gabapentin (3000mg a day) and developed ED from it. GP switched me to Peegabalin which solved the ED.

I'm just really pissed off. Pissed off that I feel like I cannot give her the sexual and mental pleasure that she deserves. Tearing me apart is the worry that I will never be able to satisfy her again; and if I did go to the doctors how do I address this. I will only see female doctors,

I haven't started this thread to boast about sexual performance and all the myriad boasts men make about their sexual prowess as a wind up on MN. I've certainly not done that, and I can definitely say this is no windup, I wish the libido loss didn't exist.

I am going to ask for this to be moved to the sex topic.

Can you explain in what way it happened ‘overnight’?

To be brutally honest, and most people don’t want to hear this...when one part of a couple ‘goes off sex’, it’s almost always because they’ve gone off sex with their partner.

Tough question really. Probably happened over the course of a couple of weeks. We'd been having sexual activity, ah I just realised thinking this through.

Three things actually.

First is the ED caused by Gabapentin. Even though I was switched I have the ED running through my mind every time I think of sex. After the Gabapentin was changed there was probably 3-4 months before I lost my libido. In those months I had some episodes of ED, and some times I couldn't penetrate.

Second is DP starting to listen to erotica (audiobooks). This doesn't bother me now, and she can listen to whatever she likes; the timing of her starting this was around the time I was switched from Gabapentin. We have a relationship where we both can access the others computer, phone, tablet etc, she even told me she was starting to do so.

Finally, I worry that after such a long break that I wouldn't be able to give her the physical and mentally intimacy and satisfaction she deserves, which plays on my mind all the time.

Our sexual relationship has always been very open, entwined pleasure - both wanting to ensure the other was satisfied, great communication values and trust, which I feel hasn't changed. This really matters to me - I couldn't give two hoots about my own pleasure, it's all about her.

It's rather emotional posting this,but it's worth my getting emotional and getting some advice, and I appreciate your replies. Oh, and, I deffo haven't gone off my partner; our relationship is very good, it's just this sexual issue.

In my opinion, that’s great news. As difficult as the situation is, if you still fancy your partner, you’re more than halfway there.

The issues are psychological (worried about ED), and biological (medication).

Together you need to see a therapist who specialises in sexual function. I have no doubt you can get through this, especially with your attitude. This COULD even bring you closer together than you have ever been.

Pregabalin and opiates have definitely wrecked my libido, mentally I might be up for it but physically my body just doesn't respond like it used to. Why are you taking the meds?
I guarantee gaba or pregabalin will have a huge impact. Every time I went up to the next dose I'd get a whole new series of side effects.
Morphine on its own will cause lethargy as well and a definite inability to climax.

Just wanted to update. I went to the GP, she had a suspicion that Oramorph or Cyclizine (the two drugs prescribed by hospital for pain and ant-sickness) were the culprits for my libido issues. So, she changed the Oramorph to Oxycodone and the Cyclizine for Ondansetron. Also gave me a private px for Sildenafil (Viagra). Note: it's far cheaper to get a px for Sildenafil (Viagra) than direct from a chemist. Rates do vary but 4 "Viagra Connect" in my area cost £22.50. 4 prescribed privately cost me £5.76.

Back to topic: it's a few weeks since and while we've not used the Sildenafil yet (DP feels it might put pressure on me) but recently, since New Year really (Christmas is always extremely difficult for me, and even more so this time) we've been talking, kissing, hugging etc, almost feels like physically rekindling our relationship from the beginning, re-establishing the physical fundamentals if you like.

I'm so grateful for the posts made, without them I never would've sought any kind of help. I'm also on the waiting list for counselling. You're all awesome