I hate sex or any type of intimacy

[Storminateacup74]

I hate sex in fact I hate any type of intimacy with anyone. I hate being touched hugged kissed by anyone. I have been married for 13 years and have 2 children. Obviously to keep the marriage going I have to have sex and I can just about cope with doing it weekly to stop my husband from straying. I don't like it I think it is a waste of time all I can think when he is all over me is "I could be reading my book right now or catching up on tv!!" It isn't just him it is anyone. I lost my virginity when I was 29 as I had never had a proper relationship due to the intimacy issues and also my independance. Ever since I was a teenager I have been very jndependant and do my own thing quite happily without needing anybody else. I am still extremely jndependant but with a young family and an autistic child the time I have to myself to be me is very rare and i find this extremely hard to deal with and sex to me is a complete and total chore. I do not need it but understand that most people do. Whenni was 28 I did have a short bout of sex counselling as when I went to have a smear although I was still a virgin they couldn't get the instrument into my vagina so i opened up to the lady and told her I was still a virgin so she suggested counselling -- i only went to about 2 sessions though as i dont see sex as a priority and wasnt worried I wasn't getting it and didnt actually want it so was a waste of time really. I hate the touching, I just want to run when anyone gets bear me. I am a very happy person in my own skin and I don't need anyone near me to feel special. As I said I will have sex to keep my hubby with me as I do love him. But he is getting more adventurous he likes licking me I can't cope I will tolerate hands touching me but not a tongue. Blojobs are just vile. This is not a new thing it has been present my whole life but it doesn't really affect me as I am happy not being intimate but it will begin to affect my relationship. My hubby knows I am not overly keen on sex I love spending time with him and would happily watch a movie together or go for a meal or a walk but sex is such a waste of time. I am really worried that hubby will stray as to him sex seems to be more important now than ever. Is there anything I can do that will makeit more enjoyable for me. Thanks

Oh dear, you have a big problem? If you hate intimacy that much, why did you get married in the first place? Common sense tells you that intimacy comes with marriage.

If thats how you feel and have always felt nothing is likely to change as it is who you are. It must be horrible having sex when you dont want it but it must be equally horrible for your husband.
Would you consider an open marriage? Or maybe separate amicably. As things stand at the moment its probably only a matter of time before he strays.

Dear OP, the faint ray of hope here is that you are asking for help. Help is out there but it may not come from the first therapist you try, and you would have to commit to it properly and not pack it in after a couple of sessions. I would expect it to be hard, painful work to find out why you reject intimacy so thoroughly. It would be worth it to experience pleasure being physically close to your husband, even if you never embrace oral sex. He must be aware at some level that you are not a willing partner.

Have you considered that you may be autistic yourself or have sensory issues ? Please don't slate this lady until you understand either of the above you wouldn't get that she may not have any control over this.

Please read up on the above, otherwise you probably need counselling to see why you feel this way as their will be a reason ?

Have to agree with 'iwillkeepthishouseclean'. There's a condition here that's not normal. Intimacy and sex go hand-in-hand. So why would a woman get married knowing it will involve sex that she doesn't like? And at the same time expect her hubby not to stray when he don't get it?

This is not remotely normal and I feel very sorry for your husband. Did he know any of this when you married as it feels like you tricked him and he must feel very rejected if you are having sex with him as a duty. Counselling has to be the way to go. Who knows why you are like this. Sensory issues? Asexual perhaps? Autism? A good counsellor will help you work through this.

You shouldn't have married that's so unfair .
Your issue not his poor guy .

Asexuality. Leave the poor man.

There is a difference between Asexuality and Hating sex and intimacy.
You can be Asexual and be very loving and intimate way, but are just not getting the sexual feelings.
To Hate sex and intimacy is a very strong statement and would indicate revulsion, brought on by what though? I would advise investigation of that through therapy OP.

I feel very sorry for both you and your husband, you are missing out on something that can be very beautiful, between two loving people,
Please try to get some help,

I don't think you necessarily need counselling, unless there are other issues you haven't mentioned. It isn't pathological to be uninterested in sex, we are all different.

Repulsed is a little different, but still not that unusual and certainly doesn't follow that there must be some sexually related trauma in your past. You could try some joint sessions with a sex therapist but no therapy in the world can make you feel desire for someone when you just don't.

It sounds to me as though you are asexual. Maybe have a read up about it? Are you generally happy in the marriage? Would you consider opening up the relationship and 'outsourcing' the sexual side? Works well for some couples if everyone is down.

Yet again MNers struggle to understand you can have a marriage without sex. It's like anything, you have to find a balance that everyone accepts. Only if that fails you should call it a day.

Yet again MNers struggle to understand you can have a marriage without sex. It's like anything, you have to find a balance that everyone accepts. Only if that fails you should call it a day.

I would agree if both partners are asexual. But this is not the case here.

What noego said,they are not compatible,poor man

Lots of ‘poor man’! So the OP has to spend the rest of her life alone, no loving relationship of any kind? Or is there no love without sex? This is who she is, therapy is not necessarily going to change that, is it? Sounds a bit like advocating cures for homosexuality - not allowed to be who you are as it doesn’t fit in with ‘normal’

Poor both of them, actually....
She is forcing herself to have sex to ‘keep him from staying’...
And he is essentially (unbeknown to himself) forcing himself on an unwilling woman....

There is nothing wrong with not having sex in a marriage - if that’s how it’s been set up and angreed to upfront.
What is happening with the OP isn’t that....

OP, as a person so averse to sex - why not open up the marriage and have him have sex with a willing partner. You’ll both benefit.

I would have thought after 13 years he might have noticed her lack of enthusiasm

Ethel

We don’t know what exactly OP tells her H....
And it’s not on him - to read her mind.

Some people are fundamentally sexual and want sex, while others are not, not really. This is fine, BUT we usually don’t know what side of the divide our partners are on at the outset. The upshot is we grow to love them, while resenting the unrequited sexuality that we feel. This is relationships in a nutshell.
The most destructive scenario is meeting someone who floats your boat, where the sex is overwhelming, but who you could never live with on a daily basis. This is probably why the sex is so good.

I can understand this. If its like me, it's probably not just sex.
Some people are just very squeamish.
Its almost like the sensory perceptions are particularly strong.
So whether it's picking up dog poo or intimacy that involves taste and smell it can induce quite a strong sense of revulsion.
I've had close encounters where I can still almost taste and smell the other person's aromas days later, causing me to almost feel nauseous.