How often

[purplepigs]

How many times a week do you have sex?

Approximately once, sometimes twice, sometimes once a fortnight. Been together 18 years.

Usually every night. Might have the odd night off. Been together nearly 6 years.

Some weeks once but miss if on my period. DP and are happy with twice a month as an average. OP - are you just curious or is frequency an issue you are grappling with?

Would like it every day, however currently once a fortnight which is nowhere near enough for me and causing issues, but anti-depressants are killing DPs libido stone cold dead so we're in a difficult position.

Average once a fortnight probably. Combination of reasons, DH is depressed so lower sex drive. We go to bed at different times and get up separately so less opportunity.
I'd like it to be several times a week.

I've never been in a 121 where several times a week ad curious to know if sex still feels vibrant ad exciting doing it so often? I admit my DP would like it more but we both work long hours and we've just evolved in to a kiss and maybe me masturbating him couple times a week and having the full thing twice a month. I'm 43 and is 59 and it does occur that maybe I am being a let down in not being fussed about DTD.

@StressedGuy how long have they been on anti depressants?

@RosieBenenden I am wondering as I am questioning whether what my partner and I have currently going on is normal?

@RosieBenenden is it mutual masturbation?

No @purplepigs the masturbating is my DP watching me touch him to give him an orgasm. He wants more sex but knows it is me who is the one holding back so I offer to masturbate him maybe twice a week. I tend not to masturbate for a host of reasons.

@RosieBenenden okay. That makes sense now. I suppose everyone is very different. How would you feel if he masturbated on his own when you were not around?

@purplepigs We have discussed him masturbating in private and I realise he has needs and enjoys orgasming. I know he masturbates in private and all I have said is I would prefer not to see him doing it as I would feel very awkward. He has promised only to touch when I am physically not in the house. Does that make sense? I am aware he will be fantasizing about sexual things other than our relationship and that's the only thing I feel upset and anxious about. I feel, if honest, that I am a let down for him but I seriously hate the thought of PIV any more frequently than the twice a month we have.

@RosieBenenden he has to be respectful and I think the fact you acknowledge that he is going to want and need to masturbate but not to do it when you are in the house is may be an agreement you have.

Have you talk about doing other stuff together?

Yes and I value the respect he shows me by keeping his masturbating private. I value that. We have discussed other things an sometimes one or both found it a non-starter. He accepts he is older and more experienced than me and I genuinely appreciate how respectful of me in the bedroom he is. At the moment we're not planning to expand what we do. I accept my limitations and it is about finding ways he can feel satisfied yet still want to be intimate with me on the level I can offer him.

I find that as time goes by we do it less and was and then I lose all confidence in that department.

@purplepigs Depression caused low libido and confidence for many years which deteriorated into going onto ADs at the start of this year.

This then destroyed what little libido was left. The zero pleasure feelings and inability to orgasm occurred within a couple of days of starting them so went to the Dr to report this, who systematically kept switching from one to another after the minimum 6 week trial period to measure if they were effective for the depression. None so far have been.

They all had the same effect - no libido, no sexual response, no orgasm. They all carried one or two other side effects, so DP has now settled on Fluoxetine (Prozac) as this had the least other side effects compared to Sertraline, Venlafaxine, Citalopram and Mirtazapine.

Sadly, there doesn't seem to be any improvement in the depression, so it's pretty rubbish on all fronts. Dr referred to therapy which has not been in any way effective.

It's difficult because on one hand there's the 'In sickness and in health' element to observe and respect, yet the marriage is heading towards becoming sexless, passionless and devoid of intimacy which is not what I signed up for, nor wish to suffer for the rest of my life.

I am conscious that this is not an active decision my DP has taken, more a result of her mental illness that I hope some relief can be found, firstly for DPs happiness and secondly for the benefit of our long term future.

If it had been an active decision to just not want sex anymore, that'd be a different story, but as it is related to health, I guess you have to take a more supportive and pragmatic view on things. How long for is what worries me.

@StressedGuy I'm sorry you're going through that. Sertraline killed my libido and the inability to orgasm was utterly soul destroying, and actually put me off even wanting to attempt sex.

Thankfully I am through the other side after ditching the AD's for other methods. I hope things improve for you too.

What method did you find successful.

DP's is very long term. It began after our first child and got steadily worse from there over the last 10+ years to the point now where we've forgotten what normal feels like.

The issue is that because the libido has been killed stone dead, there's no longing, no desire, no feeling like something is missing, no feeling like anything is broken - you can't miss what you don't want/need.

We've tried 'making the effort', but it doesn't work as it's just going through the motions. You can't enjoy something if your partner can't feel anything down there, where nothing builds and there's no localised pleasure. I just get disheartened and give up as what's the point. We've experimented with vibrators but there's just nothing. The ADs have literally switched everything off. We tried he doing things just on me, but it;s the same thing, I feel really awkward and can't relax knowing she's just doing it to try and please me but is likely thinking of other things.

I feel for her as of course I don't want my partner to be depressed, but in the same breath I'm very sad internally as sex is hugely important to me and very much part of my make up.

We are talking openly and are both willing to try and find a solution, but as of yet are out of ideas.

I can empathise with your post. I felt the same, to the point I felt repulsed by my Ex-H in a way because i could not identify with his desire or need for intimacy (our split was nothing to do with this)

I will, however reluctantly, say what worked for me (as it is often poo-pah'd by others) it's important to note that I suffer/suffered from PTSD and severe PND.

I actually tried to run away, physically run. I left the house and ran, on several occasions.
I always ended up back home again as i couldn't go through with leaving, however each day I would "run away" until it became going for a run.
This was entirely a fluke on my part. I hadn't done any research etc. but it fell into a way of managing my mental health, and it has worked for me.
I do notice if I haven't have the opportunity to run as much as I can, as my mental health will deteriorate. However I'm much more aware and empowered knowing what works for me.

I'm not saying it will work for everyone, like I said it's normally poo-pah'd!

DP suffers from PTSD from her past also and as said, therapy isn't helping and DP doesn't feel it will, unless someone can miraculously erase her memory. All the CBT in the world can't change the past and it's legacy is too ingrained in her hard wiring to change. She suffers from zero self confidence and zero self esteem and there seems precious little anyone can do to change it. She goes through all the exercises, drills and processes, but comes out the other side no better or feeling / thinking any differently.

I'm glad to see exercise helped you. DP works in a reasonably physically demanding job (nothing crazy, just not sedentary) and is pretty tired after a day at work, so whilst we've discussed the therapeutic benefits of exercise - she's all exercised out and needs a rest by the time the normal day is done.

There's no blame or resentment in the situation, just deep sadness that we're in this position that our sex life has effectively come to an end thanks to the ADs.

Shame, as we're both thoroughly miserable, but for different reasons.

Average once a week, except during period, on the occasion might even manage consecutive nights at the weekend. Very rarely manage it on a school night as too much to do with 2 primary school age children and neither of us finishing work early. Would.like it to happen more often and more spontaneity but it's very unlikely so we stick with our well planned weekend sessions

Lot in common with you @FinnGermey. We would like spontaneity but whole host of reasons why it never works that way for us. We have opted to plan ahead and put time aside for sex. Sounds odd to many but were both busy/tired and stressed so actually planning sex for next Sunday work in practice for us. Been four weeks since last time so hoping next weekend will be something DP enjoys

Some weeks it can be 5 times. Other times we can go without for weeks

All these posts are really helping.
Does anyone find that confidence is a problem?

I don't tend to drink these days - as I don't like the after effects - but it does mean one can end up a bit too uptight in the evening - and again confidence can drop.