Consent question (triggering)

[Secretusername111]

If I don't want sex but my dh does, but I'm not brave enough to tell him no, so I lie back & give up my body to get it over & done with, is that rape? At no point would he know I didn't consent because he sees a woman lie back and let him do it. I hate our sex life.

I think you may need to speak to someone professional who can answer that question correctly.

What is it that stops you from saying no?

You need to speak up.By your own admission at no point would he know you didn't consent .Sorry but this can't go on if he's under the impression nothing wrong it will never stop .

It's awful, and you shouldn't feel you have to do it. But on what you have described, I can't see it as being rape. You have never refused consent, and as you say he cannot know you don't want sex.

Now, someone with some empathy might notice your lack of enthusiasm and infer from that. But I don't think the law asks for inference.

Do you feel subject to coercive control, OP? Do you not deny consent because you fear the consequences if he doesn't get to have sex?

The law is quite vague about what constitutes consent in cases like this, I'm afraid. www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-3-consent

No it's not rape

It's very sad that you can't just say no to your husband

No, not rape. Rape is penetration without consent. By lying back back...Until it's over you are, by your actions, giving consent.

The bigger question/concern is why you feel you can't say no.

My first thoughts are that this is not rape as that is penetration without a reasonable belief of consent. He has that here a she is giving every indication of allowing it.

That said, it might depend on why she was not "brave" enough to say no. If he had threatened her for instance, that changed things.

One thing that concerns me a bit is, does he know you don't really want to? And I mean this in the best possible way, do you get involved when having this sex? Like do you give any feedback? Could he think you're enjoying it etc?

Possibly not by the letter of the law (though that's not a given) but morally absolutely - unless you are an excellent actress he must know you don't want to.

Out of interest, why are you afraid to say no? Is it because he has threatened you or assaulted you previously? Why do you hate your sex life? Does he hurt you or abuse you?

Whether he is committing a criminal act could be down to the detail but regardless of that this is clearly a terrible situation for you. Nobody should have to have sex against their will whatever the reason or circumstances. Please think about reaching out for support to get yourself out of this. I think you should give Rape Crisis a call. They will be able you help you with emotional and practical support.

I hate sex because it's all about him. I need time to get in the mood, I want things to be gentle & loving. When I've hinted at what I want in the past he's had a go but he gets bored very quickly. He thinks he's fabulous for pummelling away like a jack-hammer. There's no pleasure in it for me, it's something to be endured. I never get to orgasm. I don't tell him any more because I'm afraid of his reaction, he's quite controlling.

Sorry OP, that's not a loving relationship. In all honesty, what's in it for you? And I mean in the relationship as well as the sex.

Well that's the real problem here. He's controlling. Enough that you can't say no to having sex. Pls get in touch with women's aid.