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Me and partner only have sex when he chooses.

17 replies

Fuzzyduck123 · 03/09/2018 01:13

Sorry for the long message but i’m fed up. Been with my boyfriend for 7 months. When we first got together we had sex most times we were together (about 4 times a week). Naturally this decreased after the first couple of months and now it really depends but we still have a healthy sex life.

I feel like, however, we only ever have sex when he initiates it. Whenever i tell him i’m in the mood or try to start something most of the time he will ignore me, just say no or say it’s all i care about (he often says i care about sex too much and that that’s not all that matters). He tells me if i want it i need to get him in the mood but when i try he says no so i obviously stop. Sometimes he is hard but still ignores me when i mention it. For the past week i’ve been trying as it’s been a while since we have done anything but he has just dismissed me. But tonight he wanted a blowjob and i said no because i wasn’t in the mood and i have an uncomfortable retainer in. He tried to put it in me multiple times and then asked if i’d have sex with him if he ate me out first. I wasn’t interested at this point and he seems to think just because i ask sometimes that i will always want sex if he does. Now that i said no he just went to sleep. I feel like we only have sex when he wants to and that when i want it i can’t ask. It makes me feel like when he initiates it, i want to say no even if i’m in the mood and i don’t know how to solve it.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 03/09/2018 01:21

He sounds like a poor communicator. It's only been 7 months so this really shouldnt be an issue!

I'm afraid it won't get better probably. I'd dump him. Sex is emotive topic for many people but having lived a life with quite a few sex partners, I have found that the best sex comes with men who are open and non-egotistical about it.

Men who are able to talk freely about their wants and your wants.

Fuzzyduck123 · 03/09/2018 01:49

ajaslipstick I feel like splitting up with someone I love over sex seems shallow and isn’t a good enough reason and i wouldn’t be able to explain it. I do want to be with him i just feel as though when i ask for sex i get made out to be obsessed with it. When he initiates it, I am often in the mood but i feel annoyed that he always gets what he wants and i never seem to. It might be partly due to me being stubborn but i’d just like to be able to get something when i want it.

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 03/09/2018 02:49

Is he controlling or contrary in other ways too? Does he choose where to eat or what to watch on TV? If this is part of a bigger pattern of power and control then you wouldn’t be finishing with him over sex, but due to a fundamental incompatibility I.e. you not having an equal say in what happens in your life.

hertsandessex · 03/09/2018 11:25

If not happy with your sex life now after 7 months you will be going crazy about it in 5 or 10 years. It is going to get worse not better so maybe cut your losses.

TooTrueToBeGood · 03/09/2018 11:30

I feel like splitting up with someone I love over sex seems shallow and isn’t a good enough reason and i wouldn’t be able to explain it.

There are no hard and fast rules. There's nothing wrong whatsoever with feeling that a fulfilling sex life is critical to your relationship. Sexual incompatibility is a common cause for relationship breakdowns and if it's already an issue this early on you're better off cutting your losses before you get even more committed to each other.

xpc316e · 03/09/2018 12:08

Trust me, Fuzzyduck123, you do not have a healthy sex life.

WeightorWhite · 03/09/2018 12:15

I'm sorry but this sounds more than just a mismatch of libido. Making you feel uncomfortable or odd because you want sex is telling me that he has some issues with sex and I think the situation will worsen. Or he feels that women should not really enjoy sex in their own right and should only really do it to please men, that's extremely misogynistic. How "giving" is he when you do have sex?

Booboopidoo · 03/09/2018 13:21

Sounds like a control/power thing to me and, whether he’s only like this about sex or in other areas too, it’s a red flag in my book. Shaming you (saying you’re obsessed with sex) is another I’m afraid, I would not be staying with this man.

You don’t need a reason to break up, don’t say it’s sex if you don’t want to, just say you’ve had enough and don’t want to be with him anymore. I don’t see this getting any better though OP, sorry.

subspace · 03/09/2018 22:55

Trying to put it in you multiple times when you've said no is not okay.

Get outta there and find somebody who doesn't have weird hangups about who should ask and who should say yes to sex.

Fuzzyduck123 · 03/09/2018 23:11

So tonight i am staying at his house and i am annoyed again. As mentioned i’ve been wanting something for over a week and he’s never been interested. I went home for a while today and he has watched porn while i’ve been gone. This isn’t a problem on its own it’s just that he doesn’t want sex then as soon i leave he satisfies himself. He denied it even though i knew he had because he does it every time. We had sex after which i now think was him trying to prove a point that he wouldn’t be able to finish twice (he didn’t finish, so i was proved right). I’m just annoyed sexually and don’t know what to do without ending the relationship.

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 03/09/2018 23:18

Well if its like this after 7 months I'd just cut my losses I'm afraid. If he'd rather watch porn than do it with you he's not really a catch is he? Honestly, don't waste any more time on him. Whether its a porn addiction, or he's just not that into you, it's not your job to try and fix him or make him want to have sex with you. There are plenty of men out there who would happily trade a handy on their own for a proper sexual relationship!

Booboopidoo · 03/09/2018 23:24

I honestly think you’re flogging a dead horse here OP, do his good points really outweigh a potential lifetime of this?

AjasLipstick · 04/09/2018 00:31

Porn addiction is rife OP. What it does is to render men unable to have a normal sex life because they get so used to just masturbating that they find they're not as sensitive when with a real woman....and the habits formed by masturbating too much make it hard for them to orgasm in real life situations.

I think you will probably find that he's watching a lot of porn. Probably daily.

Shoxfordian · 07/09/2018 11:39

End the relationship, he sounds controlling
It shouldn't all be on his terms

sunsunsunsunsun · 07/09/2018 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Keepithidden · 08/09/2018 08:55

Isn't it always the case that the low drive partner calls the shots?

Either way, you don't sound compatible so get out before things get complicated. It's shit otherwise.

Mummyof0ne · 09/09/2018 09:28

He sounds very controlling

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