Anyone turned a sexless marriage around successfully..?

[notinthemood8873]

Feeling quite low just now, have just had a row with DH about something trivial, but every time it happens I am reminded that we are not having sex, and I begin to question our marriage completely. We have never had a very passionate relationship, but had plenty of sex when we first got together. When we moved in together after a year or so, the dynamic between us changed I think, and I went off having sex with him. It seemed to me that he was scared of me and the way he touched me was as if he was nervous. Very offputting for me. It's not just that though, I also have some fear of intimacy which makes it hard for me to be active in bed, if that makes sense. The best thing for me would be to have a very confident partner who could make me forget myself a bit, feel more at ease. And despite many many conversations about it, and some sessions with a Relate counsellor, things haven't changed. I don't want to have sex with my DH, he doesn't really ask for it either, and beyond a quick kiss in the morning, there really is very little physical contact. What I would really like to know is whether we stand a chance, is it possible to turn things around after years of no sex? Have any MNers out there ever experienced years of no sex and then managed to rediscover a fulfilling (even if just partially fulfilling) sex life? I'd be grateful to hear your stories, but preferable any positive ones out there.

We have/are (it’s a work in progress!) and after almost 20 years together are finally having something like a fulfilling sex life We had/have a multitude of issues around sex, I was raped aged 13 which has caused lots of problems with my attitude to and feelings about intimacy and he had some quite unpleasant experiences early on which affected his confidence massively. I ended up almost entirely ‘switching off’ from sex and neither of us had the experience or confidence to know how to fix it, especially as we both struggle to talk about it.

Despite all this we love each other, are still ‘in love’ and the attraction is there, albeit completely buried in my case for a very long time. I think you do need to have that basis to start from, or at least it makes things easier if you do.

Things changed when I came off the pill, I hadn’t realised how much it killed my libido but it was a bit of a revelation when I stopped taking it I suddenly wanted sex and, very fortunately, that coincided with DH growing up coming to some conclusions about himself and our marriage which meant we were already moving towards a closer, more honest relationship.

I won’t say it’s been easy, one of the biggest hurdles we’ve found has been breaking old habits so we have to put a fair amount of effort into not sliding back into stuff like not voicing our needs, being embarrassed and failing to make time for sex. So worth it though, we’re learning stuff about each other we haven’t known for all these years and it’s exciting, almost like being in a new relationship

First thing you need to do is work out why you don’t want sex with your DH, and then it’s lots of talking and learning to open up to each other again. Happy to answer specific questions if it helps, good luck!

Hiding - thank you so much for your post, you have no idea what it means to me, it gives me a little bit of hope. And I am so pleased to hear that things did change for you even after many years. I wonder what you mean by 'voicing our needs', do you mind giving an example of what that might be?
I think we both have somewhat damaged self esteem from childhood experiences, and I think we are sort of making it worse for each other as we are both not very confident.. how to fix this??!
I would also so appreciate any other stories/experiences people might have out there..

Watching with interest. No advice as also on this journey of hoping to turn our relationship around

We'd always been crap at communicating anything to do with sex, including letting each other know when we wanted it. So neither of us would take the initiative, either to mention it or to physically do anything and we’d end up in this resentful sort of stalemate. I reacted to that by shutting down completely, putting up walls and avoiding any physical intimacy and he reacted by becoming increasingly frustrated, hurt and rejected and then exploding every so often so we’d have a massive row.

So we’ve had to learn to be honest, to not be embarrassed to say (or otherwise indicate ) we want sex and to each take responsibility for making sure it happens somewhere close to as much as we’d like.

Voicing needs also extends to communicating what we both want/need in bed. That part is taking a little longer, neither of us has ever had therapy but I suspect we’d unearth some fairly uncomfortable stuff from our childhoods if we did because neither of us has a healthy attitude to sex and sexuality. It’s not easy, overcoming deep seated insecurities like that but we’re getting there, it’s actually quite exciting

Let me know if there’s anything else I can answer, we have a long way to go yet (I hope!) but I’m happy to share what we’ve learnt along the way.

Just re-read your reply and picked out this bit I think we both have somewhat damaged self esteem from childhood experiences, and I think we are sort of making it worse for each other as we are both not very confident.. how to fix this??! which I didn’t really answer. We had exactly this problem, he was brought up to be very respectful of women, which is brilliant but I felt he took it to extremes. He used to make me feel like I had to broach the subject and almost ‘give permission’ before he’d come near me. He thought he was being considerate but it just felt like he didn’t want me to me, I wanted (needed actually) him to ‘be the man’, take control a bit and make me feel wanted but that felt wrong (he described it as ‘a bit rapey’) to him. So stalemate again.

This is where the talking comes in, lots of (excruciating) conversations where you tell each other how you really feel about it all, no holds barred or feelings spared, just a really honest exchange of how you feel about your sex life. And you both have to listen, without getting defensive, to how you make each other feel, because it’s often the case that you’re coming from entirely different perspectives and there are misunderstandings between you about how the other feels.

Confidence comes from knowing how the other person feels about things, I have a million times more confidence to try new things and say what’s on my mind because we’ve talked openly and I’m not left second guessing myself. I hope that makes sense 😕

Like Hidingtonothing it's a work in progress for us. And like you OP we were never massively passionate. We didn't have sex at all for about 3 years - combination of reasons including struggling to conceive (if there's anything that's a passion killer that's it, which then led to more resentment and a vicious cycle), bereavement, having young kids so tired etc etc. We were crap at talking about it too. It's all too easy to get on the defensive.

What finally helped for us was that I basically said that I wasn't going to ask for sex, and leave it up to my wife for when she wanted it. This meant that we could re-establish intimacy without her feeling like I was only after one thing. This wasn't easy because she didn't want it very much! But, very slowly it has developed. I'm not going to lie, it's been bloody difficult and at points I've wondered whether we would have a future. We've still got a way to go, but we've had sex two nights in a row for the first time in like 10 years...(and twice on one of those nights ). I'd still like us to be more open about it all, but given our history I don't want to push things too much and make it awkward again.

Could you try something intimate that isn't sex for both of you to build confidence? He could give you a massage say, which might help you vocalise what you want him to do. It's not sex but it's still intimate, and can always lead to sex if you want it to!

If you do manage to rekindle something remember that nerves are often a killer for guys. If he is nervous and that leads to performance issues, please try not to be upset or angry with him as that will only make it worse. Get rid of the pressure and make things more relaxed, and don't worry about it if things aren't great to start. You will almost be starting from scratch so give it time to develop.

Thank you so much both of you, for sharing this very personal stuff. I think I do need to be more honest with him about how I feel and vice versa.

I think waiting till I want to initiate sex is not a good idea, we would be waiting forever then! I don't even want a (naked ) cuddle with him, because it feels like there is so much wrong between us that needs to be resolved first. But perhaps we do need to set time aside to talk about it at least.

I take your point about not getting irritated - it's not that I would get angry about him not performing shall we say, it's more the way he touches me that seems nervous... like he is too concerned about doing things right, instead of being more in the moment, just really enjoying it, which would be a turn on for me...

I don't even want a (naked blush) cuddle with him, because it feels like there is so much wrong between us that needs to be resolved first.

God that's familiar! There was so much distance between me and DH, we'd stopped seeing each other's point of view and become completely entrenched in our respective resentments and I couldn't see how we were ever going to get past that.

It started to change mostly because DH finally started to open up and properly talk to me, he can't actually tell me what changed to make him do that but it definitely coincided with my sex drive coming back so maybe that gave him confidence he didn't have before. He would certainly tell you that he was never convinced I was interested in him 'that way' in the past so that would make sense actually.

So I guess we've met in the middle really, he needed me to seem interested in sex to open up about his feelings about it and I needed to feel like we were tackling the more emotional stuff so I felt close enough to want sex with him. I don't know if that's remotely helpful to anyone because the reasons couples end up here are different for everyone but I can only speak from my own experience.

Oh I get that what worked for us won't work for.you necessarily, just sharing my experience.

You've said that you're not very active in bed. Does that mean you're not giving clues as to what you like, so he's not confident that you like what he's doing, but then that lack of confidence is a turn off and so on. It's like that look needs to be broken somehow. Talking obviously would be good. Would you happier to tell him if something wasn't working for you rather than him being over cautious in the first place?

Watching op and very handy advice from hiding. Why I on MN at this time of night? Have had separate bedrooms for almost five years - sigh. Due to my chronic pain - not fair to disturb his sleep. I'm crying now thinking about last time I was even cuddled by him. He's been wonderful; does everything he can do re house, finances, care etc. I know that's his way of demonstrating he cares but I'm worried this is how we'll be forever. We have talked but he can't explain lack of intimacy; claims he doesn't even wank! No way he could be having an emotional affair, let alone physical. Sorry. Don't know why I'm posting. Not helpful - and makes me sad, sitting in separate bedroom to man I do love.

Hi MrsC, I don’t doubt you at all that he’s not having any sort of affair, it sounds like he’s shut down sexually the same way I was and I definitely wasn’t having an affair (or wanking to be brutally honest!), I just didn’t think about or need sex, or any sort of intimacy actually.

How much have you talked about it with your DH? Have you told him how sad it makes you? If he’s in the same rut I was he will need an incentive to do anything about it, purely because it won’t seem like a problem to him because he’s shut down. Knowing it’s hurting you might be enough to jolt him into action and that’s what’s needed because you can’t do this on your own.

So that’s your first hurdle, making him understand that you need to tackle this as a couple and getting him to open up, whatever the problem is. Obviously there will be a lot more to fixing it but you can’t even begin to try until you’re both on the same page. Here if it helps to talk, hope you’re ok

I am very encouraged by the fact that some couples do manage to turn things around instead of leaving each other. I've been touched by your kind words, almost to a point where I don't know what to respond. It's just so sad, but I do feel somewhat hopeful for the future.

If there are any other MNers out there who want to share their success stories, they would be much appreciated also!

Do you know how you like your body touched? If you don't know how can you tell your DP? And vice versa. Does he know how he likes to be touched?
If not, I would suggest tantric methods. These can be researched by both of you. You can see a tantric teacher of meditation and sexuality.
Getting to know your body through the senses as taught in the tantric tradition can help lower those esteem barriers.
Through shower meditations,
So for example if you take a shower let the senses take in all of the sensations, The sound of the water, the smell of the gel, the feel of the water, the touch of the skin, relaxing the body and just being immersed in the moment.
Solo masturbation meditations, creating sensual evenings with your partner, i.e. having an evening together without agenda. Candles, music, cooking together, eating together, dancing together and just generally being with each other.
It might feel strange at first but with practice it will become more relaxing. You are learning just to be with each other and be more intimate without there being a sexual agenda. The physical intimacy comes later. Being one with each other first is the first step.
HTH

@noego

"Solo masturbation meditations, creating sensual evenings with your partner, i.e. having an evening together without agenda. Candles, music, cooking together, eating together, dancing together and just generally being with each other."

I get the theory and have no doubt about how it might work for some, but cannot see how that would be possible in a typically chaotic, stressed and high paced family household, where the parents are knackered, fraught with all the issues that bringing up kids creates, especially teens and pre-teens, money worries, job worries, issues with difficult family members, health worries..... (delete as applicable).

Candles, music and cooking together sounds lovely - it's just a shame that for many, well, certainly me, that's just a 'everything's peachy kind of fantasy.

Sorry if that's just me?

I get you confused, we’re lucky if we make it to bed before one or both of us is fit to drop so having hours to spend on each other is just not realistic. It is about doing what you can though and the sentiment behind the theory is relevant to all of us on here I think. Making time and effort to connect properly with each other in whatever way your lives allow is probably the answer for all of us, the tricky part is working out how to make that happen whilst wading through the life-shit.

@Hidingtonothing

What I'm finding is that the life-shit is killing libido, so even when the rare occasion arrives where some one on one relaxation becomes possible, it is spend resting and catching up on sleep, rather than shenanigans.

Thanks hiding and op - at least I feel I'm not the only one! DH was first partner who held hands, had PDA (not overtly or inappropriate). Just can't remember last time had any physical contact and can't see how we can address - I have told him how this makes me feel. We then try to share a bedroom again but never lasts -refer back to my chronic pain. Longer it goes on I suppose easier / normal it gets. I don't want to find affection from anyone else; really not interested in going down that route. I'm talking cuddles - we used to shag for Britain!