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Original poster

Reaching orgasm...

13 replies

DiamondsInTheMud · 08/08/2018 23:33

Does it take anyone else a while to be comfortable enough with a new sexual partner to orgasm?

Im recently out of an 8 year relationship where i would regularly orgasm during sex. Usully oral, but occasionally through PIV.

Started seeing a new guy, been a few months now, and we've had sex a fair bit (including oral)but ive not orgasmed. Or felt close tbh. Sex has been good, ive enjoyed it, he knows what hes doing, its just me not relaxing enough to get there

It takes a while for me to be comfortable enough not to be self conscious and overthink things as they are happening, is this normal??

Hes not mentioned the fact that ive not got there, and neither have I, i kinda dont want to highlight the fact, but don't know if its better to explain it a bit....? Indont want him to think its something hes doing wrong, i know its my issue.

If inshould mention it, any idea how to mention it casually/jokey way to not make it a big deal...?

OP posts:
noego · 09/08/2018 08:43

If its your issue why would you mention it to him. You say he's a good lover and doing all the right things its just that you cannot relax. Why would you knock his confidence, you could psychologically damage him, inadvertently.
Unless he is not touching you in the right places at the right time and you need to guide him, then communication in that instance is vital. A little guidance is always appreciated as you will know if other lovers have spoken gently to you about doing something different.

Get him to give you a nice oily massage, that should relax you.

RosieBenenden · 09/08/2018 17:56

I have new partner after loveless DH. My new guys had sex with me since May and ive not orgasmed yet. It is normal for some women to have to take time. I haven't reached it through PIV in over 10 years as its not how my body seems to work. Were all different. Chat to him over a drink and maybe suggest his assists you in masturbating to get you relaxed?

NotTheFordType · 10/08/2018 07:18

I can't orgasm through PIV unless it's someone I've known for a long time. (I can definitely enjoy it though!)

It generally takes me 10-20 minutes of decent oral to orgasm that way and has been over 30 minutes on occasion. It's much easier if my partner takes direction, e.g. "Put one finger in my pussy. No don't move it, just keep it there. Keep licking my clit. Put your other finger in my arse, and don't move it."

Original poster
DiamondsInTheMud · 10/08/2018 07:23

Im glad its not just me!

I still really enjoy the sex/foreplay even without an orgasm, obviously its nice when i get there, but its not the most important thing for me from the experience, i like the closeness, intimacy, and it still feels good. Dp is defo doing everything right.

Im just worried that dp will be thinking hes doing something wrong, but if its more common than i realised then i just need to stop overthinking things so much. Because im aware that the more i worry about what hes thinking about my lack of orgasm, the less likely i am to ever get there...

OP posts:
RosieBenenden · 10/08/2018 10:37

Agree with last two posts totally. Ive not got there from PIV at all this year and I would say on 20% from being given oral. Honestly doesn't worry me. I love to see men getting there as I find seeing that a turn on but I simply enjoy being held and experiencing the sensation of PIV without feeling the need to cum. My current DP knows ive never climaxed with him but we've chatted and he knows what he is doing feels great for me. It will happen one day but I have totally assured him no need to worry if not this year. The main thing is he shows he cares about me in bed whereas my soon to be ex DH was useless latterly and only interested in his line of coke.

Azzizam · 10/08/2018 18:46

Yes I'm the same. Further complicated by the fact I need my legs fairly close together to build up the tension.

It doesn't help that a lot of guys see women in porn with their legs hoiked up wide apart screeching they're coming. Are they really??

I need to be relaxed and able to fantasise which is impossible if being thrown all over the place as I said porn films.

I need to know someone for a while and have the confidence to tell them how I like to orgasm.

Also it's funny that a man taking a long time to come is seen as having great self control but a woman taking a long time has problems or issues. Confused

NotTheFordType · 11/08/2018 11:09

It doesn't help that a lot of guys see women in porn with their legs hoiked up wide apart screeching they're coming. Are they really??

Spoiler: no.

Having said that, it sounds like you are used to a very strict "routine" and believe you can't reach orgasm in any other position. Presumably that's how you masturbated to orgasm at an early age so is your formative position? Almost certainly you can teach yourself to reach orgasm in other positions, it's just a question of practice. Certainly it would seem to improve your sex life with a partner, as giving a woman oral with her legs shut is quite physically demanding.

NotTheFordType · 11/08/2018 11:10

Sorry that was to @Azzizam not to OP regarding legs close together.

Azzizam · 12/08/2018 18:42

not the Ford just curious why it would be physically demanding? I don't mean clamped shut just not wide apart. Say if you were playing with a woman's clitoris to reach orgasm why would the position of her legs make it more days difficult for the partner?

I think you're right in everything you say though. I think because I know I can get there this way I worry I'm taking too long and then fake it.

Azzizam · 12/08/2018 18:48

PS. I've just realised you thought I meant PIV with legs closed Smile. No I meant in oral or being played with. Sorry for not being clear. I sort of orgasm with PIV but not as intense as with oral/fingers.

RosieBenenden · 13/08/2018 10:47

I am with you @Azzizam ref leg position. I feel cheap doing the porn star leg spread. it isn't for me at all. Obvious PIV means I need to buti accept that as eel my privates aren't on show which I something I hate. For me less is more in bed and im naturally just very reserved on the occasions we DTD.

noego · 13/08/2018 14:06

Don't close them to much, when he's down on you, otherwise you'll suffocate the poor bloke.

Overthinkings · 26/08/2018 20:37

I could have written your post myself diamondsinthemud. The first partner I orgasmed with had to be with a vibrator on my clit, my next long term partner did make me cum using his tongue but that was only once and it took forever. All other times vibe on clit during PIV.
I’m now in a new relationship and we’ve been having sex for the last 6 months or so and no orgasm yet. I’m too shy to suggest a vibrator on myself just yet, he knows I don’t orgasm and I don’t think he’s taken it personally - I’ve explained it takes me a while to feel comfortable with someone new. Even with my ex using a vibrator I had to feel ultra relaxed and in the zone to let go and have an orgasm with him, and they were never as powerful as the ones i have solo.
So basically you are not alone!!

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