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DH Low libido

8 replies

Feelshortchanged · 30/07/2018 18:28

We are late 40s, married 25 years, grown up DC. Over the years DH sex drive has dwindled, and we are down to once a month at most. I'm no nymphomaniac, but this is just not enough for me, and I'm getting really down about it. He used to have a porn habit when he worked away a lot, but he's worked from home for a few years now (as do I) so I doubt whether that is the issue now. He was honest about it then so I have no reason to doubt him now when he says he just has no desire and would rather read a book. He seems content to accept that it's an age thing (however I know plenty of people our age with regular happy sex lives) but I just can't go on like this. He has had intermittent problems with ED, which seemed to be made worse if I made the first move (maybe he felt under pressure) so consequently I've left the decision to up to him whether we make love or not. This means that we hardly ever do. In other ways we are compatible, we have common interests and enjoy each other's company, are good friends etc. I just have no idea how to move forward without putting pressure on him and potentially making things worse. I've tried wearing lingerie which always used to get him interested, but the last time I did that he couldn't perform and I was left feeling like a sad desperate old woman, so that's been confined to the back of the wardrobe. He has said before that the stress of work affects him, but he's had more stressful jobs than this before that didn't affect our sex life. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Hatchee · 30/07/2018 18:54

You mention both ED and his inability to perform the last time; was that a one-off, or is it something you've encountered more recently? This could be a medical/psychological problem, one where he could benefit from some professional help. Is that the sort of thing he'd be amenable to if it was gently suggested?
In the meantime, it's important for you to remember that this isn't a problem with you. He has a specific problem that perhaps needs a medical solution; that doesn't mean you're being rejected.

Feelshortchanged · 30/07/2018 19:05

He has had ED intermittently since the age of about 40. In between times we have had long periods where things have been great for months at a time, but it's been really dwindling over the last year or so. When we are on holiday, things definitely look up! The last time we discussed it, he said I should make the first move, but because I've been rejected before, and it's made me feel so crap, I'm reluctant.

OP posts:
annandale · 30/07/2018 21:28

Has he seen a doctor about the ED?

Newman2018 · 30/07/2018 22:16

Are you sure the porn habit has gone away?
Don’t underestimate the power of porn. It becomes far easier and more relaxing for men to just surf some porn than it is for then to actually interact and have sex with a real woman. It’s not discussed much but porn can become a proper addiction in the same way as alcohol, drugs etc. It’s a difficult habit to kick unless the user is determined to replace it with a healthy sex life.
I’m sure you looked great in the lingerie but you have to understand that it doesn’t compare to the hundreds of other images he could consume in an hour or so of indulgence.

Feelshortchanged · 31/07/2018 07:39

Newman2018 he used to watch porn when he was away for work, I'm not saying it would be impossible to watch it at home but myself and our adult DD ar constantly in and out as we all work from home, no closed doors etc so he would always be at risk of being caught out. His laptop and phone are work ones and use is monitored, so the only computer he can use for porn is in our shared area (when he worked away he would use the pay per view movies) In addition, without wishing to provide TMI 😳 There always used to be tell tale signs on his underwear after he indulged....and I do the washing 😂 When we have discussed it, he says he just feels numb from the waist down the majority of the time and rarely feels the urge. As I said, he puts this down to stress/tiredness/age and seems to accept it as standard for his age, which I don't think it is.

OP posts:
Newman2018 · 31/07/2018 22:57

Ok, that’s a little odd in my opinion. I’m also late 40’s and would find it odd to be ‘numb from the waist down’.

Blimey, who knows what’s round the corner and you might be dead next week so may as well have fun while you can!
He sounds a good match for my DW actually but that’s another thread on this forum!
Maybe there’s some background issue - low testosterone or something? Or maybe over sensitised (shell shocked) to a previous porn habit?

ginandbearit · 01/08/2018 14:18

Get him checked for pre diabetes for a start ..low libido and ED are classic warning signs. I had this for a few years before my heart attack at 60 ..have reversed diabetes and have returning libido by changng diets . Sadly it may also be boredom and familiarity which can be libido killers too..hope you can work things out .

MissConductUS · 01/08/2018 23:13

It's very likely hypogonadism (low testosterone). It's very common from mid 40's on. My DH has it, we got it figured out promptly and he's been fine ever since. It's very easy to treat.

Male Hypogonadism

It's a simple blood test to check it. If left untreated it will increase his risk of cardiovascular disease. Do see if you can get him to go to his doctor and get it checked.

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