Hi,
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Background, married, 3 kids 3,6&8. I work FT wife is SAHM. Been together 10 years. House work load is divided pretty well although she carries the ‘organisational mental load’ for the kids, but not different to the load I carry at work.
Sex has been poor since we had kids. Averaged probably once every other month for the last few years, and those usually come is spurts of 2-3 times over a couple of weeks and months of nothing.
I don’t feel like she has any interest in me at all. I’m in decent shape, we get in great, we are generally happy and make each other laugh everyday, enjoy spending time together. But nothing much sexual. I’m pretty sure she isn’t having an affair, she doesn’t really know any blokes and usually has the youngest with her so limited opportunity. I have nothing to be suspicious of.
The really dysfunctional part is a) she doesn’t initiate, at all. Ever, and when we do have sex she does not offer any foreplay. We kiss on the lips, but she doesn’t stray from lips, no touching anywhere else. Haven’t had a bj for 9 years even though she said she enjoyed giving them and I told her it was great. Ivan very happy to give oral, as it’s the most success I have in getting her off. But it’s gone so long, And sex is so infrequent anyway that I don’t know how to pull her up on this and say I would like it/find out what she doesn’t like.
Dysfunctional part b) whilst she never initiates, neither do I. I don’t have any ‘moves’ but when i flirt with her, suggest anything, send a provocative text, let a kiss linger, she is typically shuts it down. Quite honestly, I don’t suggest that we have sex anymore because I feel like if she says she wants sex it’s usually a ‘be quick’ type response or I feel like she is just ‘agreeing to’ rather than wanting it. Although, the actual during part is fine and by the end she changes to being totally happy. Because I worry that she might agree when she isn’t into it I have stopped making obvious moves and stick to subtle ones that are easier for her to brush off if she isn’t in the mood. Quite honestly, the thought of rejection to more direct advances when things are already infrequent is too much.
So I just stew on these feelings of rejection every day, and it makes me a grumpy bugger at times. Have had chats about it a couple of times, each time she acknowledges I would like more close contact to feel bonded, any concerns she raised have been addressed. Each time nothing changes. She says she wants more but is tired and stressed running the house. That’s fair some of the time. But I don’t think that can be the reason 359 days of the year!! We have tried having date nights, time together, nights away. She is more keen on getting an early night for sleep than anything else.
It’s gone so long that getting on track seems impossible. I read books about making yourself more attractive to women, some were chauvinistic bullshit some were useful. None worked. I don’t want to leave, an affair isn’t something I would consider. But the status quo is just so bloody depressing. I am trying to find ways to improve myself as I’m probably the issue if my wife doesn’t want to have sex with me, but any thoughts would be appreciated!!!