Great job, no sex

[Hatchee]

A couple years ago, DW got into teaching. She’d tried several different careers without finding one that was really for her, but this seemed perfect. Two years in and though the hours are long, she loves it. And I’m happy for her. Except that sex has now stopped.
When I say “stopped,” I mean that I can count on one hand the number of times that we’ve had sex in the last two years. And it was all within one fortnight last winter break. Suddenly everything was briefly normal again. Then the new term started up, and everything stopped. Part of it is her heavy workload, although she has also told me she simply doesn’t want to have sex with me. Even the thought of it puts her off. She feels it's related to the stress of the job. For me, the rejection is quite painful.
I feel like this is such a clichéd thing to say, but so much of what I miss is the intimacy. We’re still great at other things, namely parenting. DD is seven and an only, and I work a job with reasonable hours, so parenting is something we share without too much stress. (I do drop-off and pick-up and tend to be the more active one at DD’s school.) But with no sex life, I’m just really struggling to find a bond with my wife. And yet at the same time, I’m so happy she’s found this great career that gives her so much satisfaction. It’s really confusing. I wouldn’t cheat and I don’t want to leave, but I just feel absolutely broken right now.

I feel your pain!
My DW is also a teacher. We have 2 children and during May and June DW also decides to earn extra money in the evenings doing exam marking and shuts herself in a room with a laptop for 6 weeks.
Like you, I’m happy that she enjoys her career but it has killed our sex life. She does return to normal during the school holidays for a while but then gets tired again because she’s normally looking after the children while I work.
I see no end in sight. She works 4 days a week fairly intensely to avoid bringing work home. I listen attentively every evening to her rants about the school organisation / staff / education system and whatever. She’s in bed for 10 (or earlier) every night after watching mindless American crap on tv (mostly violent stuff involving guns or morbid waking the dead stuff) and is out of the door by 7:15 in the morning. I do school drop offs and some pick ups but mostly get home around 7pm to a chaotic household.

No solutions - maybe just feel a little better knowing you are not the only one.

_...’although she has also told me she simply doesn’t want to have sex with me...’

Thats what you need to get to the bottom off and its a pretty crap thing to say to someone. Teaching is a stressful job but so are vast numbers of other careers. Some peoples sex drives are affected by this kind of stress and others may use sex for stress relief purposes.

But neex to talk before its too late and resentment kicks in.

Any job that has such an effect on a normal married life is not actually that great. Time to hand in the notice and rejoin the world of common sense.

Xpc: good point but they don’t see it that way. Especially as that job was what made them feel like a normal adult after a few years of Iggle piggle and constantly being called mummy.

I echo what others have said.

If my wife turned round to me and said that, as much as I love her and I'd want to protect our family unit etc, that would be the end of our marriage right there.

All I'd hear is "I like the stability, security and comfort, but not the sex"

"Sorry, Dear - they come as an all or nothing package - take a week to think about it and work out if you need a plan B and let me know, unless I make the decision for you first....."

Christ listen to your wives. They’re exhausted. You don’t turn them on (for whatever reason). Sex is not a marital duty, it’s a choice.

If you get home to a chaotic household it means she’s living in a chaotic household too. What can YOU do to make that better. How can YOU support her.

So telling that you identify her job that she loves as the only problematic thing here.

I listen attentively every evening to her rants about the school organisation / staff / education system and whatever.

Brilliant, have a medal ... she still doesn’t owe you sex. Just because you listen to her talk, which is the basic thing you should be doing. That’s what youre supposed to do. The entitlement of men never fails to shock me.

chestylarue52

“Christ listen to your wives. They’re exhausted. You don’t turn them on (for whatever reason). Sex is not a marital duty, it’s a choice.

If you get home to a chaotic household it means she’s living in a chaotic household too. What can YOU do to make that better. How can YOU support her.”

The OP said at the start, that they only have one child and that parenting is pretty stress free. It sounds like the job is a significant factor.

Maybe her new job has given her new found confidence and she isn’t as attracted to you as she was, she is currently more attracted to the idea of having a successful career.

Could be that now she has this confidence, whatever worked to get her horny before doesn’t anymore and you need to up your game...

@chestylarue52

Completely agree - she doesn't owe him sex. Whether she has sex or not with her husband is rightly 100% her choice, as is her choice to vocalise her preferences in this regard.

But that's the great thing about choice, it goes both ways, and the OP has the choice of whether he wishes to continue in a sexless marriage where he feels rejected, broken and lacking in any intimacy with his wife.

Not only does she feel this way, she has outright told him, so yes, I agree again, he should absolutely listen to his wife and get the hell out of there, leave her to enjoy her teaching and find someone who is willing to share an intimate relationship with her husband.

Oh god, please don’t try and explain consent to me 🙄

Yes of course he can leave. He knows that and has said he doesn’t want to.

@chesty

I'm not sure you got the wrong end of the stick or context or what. I never said she owes me sex. She owes me nothing. I do support her as much as I can.

The OP started the thread and I added my personal experience. Yes, she is exhausted most of the time which is why I end up doing more of the parenting and household chores. I'm not expecting anything but it's clear that her job takes so much out of her that she has no energy for sex - even if she did or didn't want it.

@user149 - interesting post and you raise a good point, thanks.

Thanks all for the comments. This has all been very helpful.

@newman2018 - Thanks for the support. Teaching's a great job and I'm glad my wife does it. Not that it makes this any easier.

@familymanhusband - I'm not going to leave my wife. I should also explains that when she tells me she absolutely does not want to have sex with me, that's not in a "Get away from me, sunshine" way - rather, it's us earnestly discussing a problem we've both identified.

@chestylarue52 - No, I don't see sex as something that is owed me, nor something that I get as a reward for doing the basic things a husband should do. I see sex and intimacy as something that happens naturally in a healthy marriage. Our home is not particularly chaotic and I'm the one who does the majority of the parenting. Our ended sex life is something that began when my wife started teaching; that's a point we both agree on. I wrote my original comment not because I want her to quit teaching, but because I want to find a way to make everything work.

@user1496529599 - That's an interesting theory. I don't know that my wife has suffered from a serious lack of confidence, however - she was very good, and usually quickly promoted, in her previous careers. She just wasn't fulfilled by them. She's always known, and been told, that she's good at what she does. The difference is that now she believes she's using that talent for something that actually matters.

Nice post Hatchee and that’s what it’s all about. Teaching is a vocation and more than a job. There’s lots of hassles and stress but she’ll be getting enormous job satisfaction from getting through to and developing a few kids at least. She’s doing a great job, as is my wife. It would just be great if they could somehow shoehorn a great sexlife into their schedule as well !

I’d move on & find someone who cares about you.

Two people need to work at a relationship

You are getting shit on here because you are a man if a woman had postedcsaying my dh had got a new stressful job and had gone off sex and said he is no longer finds me sexy everyone would be calling him abusive etc.

Lack of intermisy is a massive problem and if she does not find the reason why it will ruin your marriages.

I couldnt stay in an affectionless marriage personally. Couldnt give a toss how admirable, stressful, hard work her job is. Ive done plenty of stressful jobs without fucking my relationship down the pan.

And yes if you were a woman the replies would be along the lines of what i just said.

@worriedmum

Agreed - another one for the gender reversal police.

The job is a smoke screen in my opinion.

Sorry but she is using no sex as a way to control you.

I wouldn’t have put up with her behaviour for 2 years. Time to leave

You are getting shit on here because you are a man if a woman had postedcsaying my dh had got a new stressful job and had gone off sex and said he is no longer finds me sexy everyone would be calling him abusive etc.

^This