Ok, I've had a few drinks and I'm ready to get a lot off my chest. I hope it isn't rambling but sorry if it ends up that way! Basically, I need advice and I need to know if I'm/my relationship is normal. I'm ashamed to confide in randoms on the internet but, here I am! I have written this post several times in my head over the last few years and I hope I can convey my issues and feelings concisely.
Bit of a background, and I do think this is important : I don't know how to explain this, but I think I may have been sexually abused - in a way - when I was approximately 5 years old. My memories are vague and I do not wish to open them up. It was involving a female member of my extended family and although I don't remember being touched at all I THINK I remember her showing us more of herself than appropriate and perhaps encouraging us to touch her. I can't be 100% sure of this, and I really don't want to and won't open up that can of worms. Incidentally that family member (who wasn't closely related and not blood related) has had nothing to do with our family since.
Perhaps as a result of this, I was extremely interested in both male and female genitalia from a young age. I masturbated and had my first orgasm at approximately 10 years old. I engaged in sexual relations with boys from about 12 years old. I lost my virginity at 14 years old. I sound disgusting, but few people
Would actually assume this of me, I did well at school and university and have done well so far in my career (I don't mean to say that those who are sexually active from a young age don't do well. I'm just trying to give you a precise overview of the situation)
The thing is, I have never orgasmed or particularly enjoyed sex. With my first boyfriend who I lost my virginity to, at 14, he knew that it never happened (although I can and did come quite easily with clitoral stimulation). We actually ended up together for several years and so by the time we split up I was an adult. I do admit that I cheated on him a couple of times during our relationship, always feeling almost unable to resist the offer of sex. To be honest though, I don't think I ever really enjoyed it, it was never something I looked forward to and it was almost something I dreaded. I felt pressure and expectation, even at such a young age, to offer sex because that's what guys want, right?
Fast forward several years, I met my DH. He was so different to any of the other men I'd been with. Older, smarter, maturer. He was kind and funny and to be quite honest, not that interested in sex. Sure, we had sex, but it was almost like he was confused as to why I was offering so often??? From my previous relationships I never ever had to offer, and so this was strange. He was willing and enthusiastic every time but equally I think he would have been as happy to chill and watch Netflix for real 😂. However, I made a huge mistake. Because I assumed that men wanted and expected woman to orgasm during sex (and I felt really weird for not being able to) I faked it from the beginning. I didn't know he would end up being my DH of course! But once you start, it's extremely hard to then have that conversation. So, because of this and his seemingly lack of obvious sex drive, our sex life soon became lack lustre. And,
Just to add another spanner in the works, I'm almost sure he 'fakes' it too more
Often than not.
Despite this, we do have a great relationship and 2 wonderful DC. Because of the aforementioned issues alongside pregnancy, post natal hormones and breastfeeding, our sex life is pretty much non existent. I can't say I often feel like having sex, and he just doesn't seem that bothered?! We do still kiss and cuddle and occasionally that will turn into something more - but only VERY occasionally.
I don't even know where to begin about what kind of advice/suggestion/criticism I'm expecting to get! I do think these issues are weighing down on me though, and I just don't feel ready to talk to DH about them.
I'm so sorry, this really has just ended up In me spewing out all the thoughts in my head. If you have made it this far, even if you have nothing to say, I really do appreciate it.
Thanks for reading.