Partner isn’t spontaneous

[Lilypad15]

I’ve had a few relationships in my time. Each one, the sex has been great. I have a list longer than my arm of weird and wonderful places I’ve had sex. Strolling through a field and you get a bit frisky and the next thing you know, you’re getting to it surrounded by a herd of cows. Even my daughter’s dad who turned out to be gay was super spontaneous when it came to sex. Swimming pool changing rooms, public showers, the car in the daytime... and he didn’t even really like vaginas. I find that it’s a huge turn on to be sort of grabbed by someone because they just have to have you right there and then. It makes me feel good about myself, I won’t lie.

Anyway, I’ve been with my partner for just over 5 years now. I love him to death and he’s my best friend. But the sex. Ugh. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great and he’s the only guy who has ever been able to make me, ahem, finish BUT it’s a “in bed, at night, no foreplay, lights off” kinda thing.

He’s always been like that. No spontaneity at all. It’s always been an issue for me and I have spoken to him about it more times than I can even remember. I try to be spontaneous myself, I’m naturally a submissive (I do too much bossing about in my normal life, when it comes to sex I want someone else to be the boss lol) I will dress up (or down, if you will) I try to drop hints. But nothing.

When we’ve spoken about it before he just says sorry and that he will try and be a bit more spontaneous. Then the next time we have sex it might be in the daytime and we might do something other than missionary but then after that it goes back to being the same again.

I have been sat in the garden the past week due to the heatwave, in a skimpy lace bralet (I’ve misplaced my bikini) and I’ve been rubbing oil in to myself and all that jazz. Fairly seductive stuff. I took a picture of the garden all sunny and stuck it up on snapchat and a couple of guys replied to me saying “I bet you’re boyfriend is all over you if you’re sat out sunbathing!” and I thought, is it weird that he isn’t?

I know that I should probably initiate. He knows that for me, my turn on is to NOT be the initiator, otherwise the whole point of the spontaneity is kind of missed. I know he loves me and he tells me I’m sexy all the time and he is very affectionate in the way that he likes to cuddle up with me and kiss and whatnot but anything sexual, it’s almost regimented and I could actually sit here and write down a description of EXACTLY how it goes (I won’t) because it’s the same every time. I try and change positions, he gets huffy. I wear nice underwear but it makes no difference because the lights aren’t off anyway. Am I just destined to have dark, bedroom missionary sex for the rest of my life?

I'm in a similar position OP, gender reversed (I don't oil myself in the garden though LOL).

With me I was going to the gym, developed a muscular body tone, dropped hints, made suggestions, had talks, explained feelings etc, etc.

No change.

The biggest turn on for me above anything else is to have a partner that displays evidence of being horny, enthusiastic and not passive.

Sadly, all those things are missing.

I've come to the conclusion after many years that it's simply a case of me being horny, interested and excited by sex and that she isn't. Nothing I will ever be able to do will change that.

I crave desperately for one day to be approached by her for sex. For her to put her laptop or ipad down without prompt and to shuffle down the sofa and instigate - even if it was just for a snog that leads somewhere. Never happened. Ever.

I've given up instigating these days and just sit there in resentment that what I crave isn't happening and that if I always make the move, it will always be missing that excitement of mutual desire, and that I'm in some way asking and having 'access granted' on occasion, rather than both being up for it.

Even then, the prospect of having to go through a long and drawn out process of foreplay to get her in the mood gets really old. Don't get me wrong, I grasp the importance of foreplay (it goes both ways) - but is it too much to ask, just once, for your life partner to be in the mood, feeling a bit horny and wanting to get down to it?

It depresses me to be honest.

Familyman sorry you’re having this issue too!

It really depresses me as well. It makes me feel undesirable, honestly. When we do get down to it, there’s zero foreplay which then makes actual sex quite uncomfortable. He also cannot do it more than once. I could happily go two, three times (with breaks obviously, I’m not an animal lol) but he can only go once and if I don’t finish, he says “I owe you one” and goes to sleep.

The fact I can make an effort to look nice, make an effort to act and dress “sexy” and the fact that none of these things gives him that animal instinct of “I have to have you right now” makes me feel crap. Maybe he’s just not got a high sex drive. Mine has dwindled somewhat as I’ve got older but his has never really been high. After money, our sex life is the biggest thing we argue about.

Sometimes the missionary stuff gets so mundane that I can’t get into it. He can tell and asks what’s wrong so I explain that I’m just not excited enough by the current set up. He then takes offence by it, tells me I should change it up if I want to (I try but if I try and move to say, on top, he huffs because I’ve made him move from where he was obviously “comfy”) and then he’s like “well you’ve killed the mood now”.

I don’t really know how to approach the subject anymore. I’ve talked about it so much, it never changes and when I dare to bring it up, he just gets in a mood because he takes it as a criticism rather than a suggestion.

It’s just so frustrating isn’t it? He works nights so we literally only have the weekends when my daughter is at her dad’s (she’s 10 so sex in the day mid-week can be tricky when she’s home) I spend the entire week fantasising about how maybe THIS weekend will be the one where he just drags me off to somewhere to have really hot sex just because he can’t help but be all over me. Then we get to the weekend and nope, it’s the same old story. I’ve even asked him countless times what his fantasies are. I thought maybe if I knew them, I could play them out for him and that would make him be more spontaneous but he just said “I don’t have any”.

I could tear out my hair, honestly!

Yep - with you all the way, although to be fair my DP is more willing to try different positions, but in a passive 'okay then' manner, rather than asking for something because that's what he really wants. No dressing up, no applying a bit of make up etc.

My self esteem is on the floor.

Other than sex, I have a very good family life and much to be grateful for, however if I were to give advice to a young person starting out in life who wanted advice, it would be to make absolutely sure that you are sexually compatible with you life partner, even if it means spelling out in no uncertain terms, leaving no room for ambiguity, misinterpretation or misunderstanding about what your preferences and needs are - this is in the interests of both persons long term happiness.

I'd rather know from the get go where I/we stand, that way if there's a bait and switch or other changes, there's a point of reference to go back to where neither party will be shocked or surprised as to the other person's needs and desires.

I remember a particular row about sex with my ex (I was much younger) that cemented the beginning of the end of our relationship - she huffed "Bit we did it yesterday....."

I'm thinking "Yeah, I and breakfast yesterda, too, and your point is...?"

Neither of us wrong, but not compatible.

What 'she' wants, not 'he'.... Ooops!

I think you’re right, we just aren’t compatible sexually either. He is happy with once, maybe twice a week. Lights off, under the covers, straight to sleep afterwards. I would gladly do it whenever I could (child permitting) and in all manner of places. It does upset me quite a bit and sometimes I really resent him for it. I guess it isn’t his fault but I can’t help but feel completely undesirable. I’m sure that isn’t his intention of course but having had partners in the past that have been spontaneous and had a decent sex drive, to now have someone who seems totally disinterested makes me feel like I’m just disinteresting.

I suppose I could harp on at him about it until I’m blue in the face but it probably won’t change the fact. We love each other very much and have a relationship that a lot of people would be very jealous of but the sex thing just stops it from being perfect. For me anyway.

Bah humbug!

Yep - 100% similar.

My issue is that it's source of resentment and depressive influence almost every day of my life.

But not bad enough to leave and give up everything we have, as that would be far worse - my children and our family unit is precious to me.

In other words, crap either way.

It's a shame as sex is so important to me and one of my few pleasures in life.

When I see a sex scene on TV, rather than feel turned on by it, I feel sadness and resentment, as there's normally an element of passion and enthusiasm involved. I hate feeling like that.

It makes me want to be selfish in other areas of my life - based on 'if I can't have a decent sex life, then sod it I'm having this, or doing that' etc.

Or do I just spend a life providing?

I totally get you.

I was reading a book in the garden yesterday and one part of it, the female protagonist had a bit of a thing with a guy. It’s all very passionate with arms flailing and things getting knocked over etc. My partner tried to ask me something mundane about football or whatever and I got SO annoyed that he’d interrupted me. I got annoyed because a fictional character was having a sexual encounter that I wished I could have with my own boyfriend and here he was, spoiling me being in my own head for a minute fantasising about it. How sad is that?!

I guess you wouldn't mind if he'd interrupted you with a whisper in your ear suggesting something sexy?

Of course, that;'t not allowed is it - from what I read, he;s got to do all the housework, coo the dinner, do all the shopping, complete the DIY project, send nice text messages all day, light candles, give little kisses with no intention, massage you for hours and not even think about suggesting sex in the hope that some crumbs off the table will be thrown his way....

....according to soooo many threads I read on here.

Well bollocks to that.

What's wrong with the concept of a woman actually being horny of her own making and mindset? You know, to want sex and be in the mood? Or is that a wild and cray concept to be laughed out the park.

Best way I can sum it up - I feel it's like going out to dinner with someone who's just eaten and has multiple food allergies.

Not aimed at you, obviously, but hopefully paints a picture.

If I'm sat at home feeling hungry, I get up off the sofa, go to the kitchen and get some food. Sex is the same - if I feel hungry for it, I proactively seek to satisfy the need. Sadly, some are just never hungry.

Excuse multiple typos - need to proof read my fat thumbs typing!

Interesting stuff Familyman. Women have hormones, which unlike men means they are not horny every day! But I think you are saying that it would be nice if it was just now & again? When you don't have that feeling of being desired and you are the one to initiate sex 100% of the time it's not easy.

Yep, you got it.

I was away with work for two weeks once and couldn't wait to get home to my DP having missed her and the intimacy so much.

I was a bit sad that at no point during the two weeks away did I receive a single naughty text or suggestive message - nothing whatsoever.

When we spoke, there was no "I can't wait to see you again and...." etc.

No suggestive pics, no nothing, other than the normal 'I love you' ends to conversations.

I was driving home for several hours imagining walking through the front door and running up stairs for some passion - maybe, just maybe my DP might have put on some nice clothes, maybe a little make up - or would that just be unrealistic wishful thinking?

Anyway, I got through the door, my hopes high, to be met with a quick peck, hug and a cup of tea.

Now to be fair, the cup of tea was gratefully received, however within minutes of me walking through the door, it was business a usual.

We didn't have sex for 4 days after I got home.

I was so upset, disappointed and concerned for our future that I just sank into my self, my self confidence and feeling of being desired and needed in tatters.

I deliberately didn't make a move and was prepared to go without to see how long it would be before she eventually initiated. When it did, it was the usual, predicable, in bed, tired and needing to be up early for work the next morning, pretty passionless usual.

If I'm being unreasonable, so be it.

Passion. I think that’s it. There’s just no passion to a quickie at bedtime with the lights off. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want passion. Also for the poster who replied about women just not being as horny as men, I don’t think that’s necessarily true at all. I think that’s an assumption based on the old “I’ve got a headache” thing. As an extremely horny woman myself, I think it’s just down to the individual not the sex of a person. I guess some people are just passionate and some aren’t when it comes to sex.

Lilypad15.

Agreed.

You're either horny and love sex or you're not and don't.

I think there's far too many excuses and caveats thrown about explaining why this, that and the other.

Yes, externally influencing factors such as illness and stress etc will impact from time to time, but as an average over a long period of time, a pattern emerges that paints the real picture of a person.

If you're hungry, you go to the kitchen, if you're not, you don't.

Some people are simply not hungry.

Familyman and Lilypad should become FWBs!

Seriously though, you both sound as if you look after yourselves. Do you get attention from members of the opposite sex when you’re out in social settings? I’m not saying that to should seek out some extra marital actions, but it won’t do any harm to be a bit flirty. One of the best ways to reawaken your partner’s sexual desire is for them to see that there are other men/women out there that would happily jump in the sack with you.

@Joey7t8

Nope, I never get attention from the opposite sex and never have. I was the guy at the party too self conscious to dance, the last one to be picked for the sports team at school, the one who's friend's sisters thought of them as a brother - you know, 'that' guy.

I'm just not the 'cool' person. Never worn the right clothes, listened to the right music or been interested in the right sports or hobbies etc.

With a family to raise and on a restricted budget, we don't really go out and neither myself or wife have a close circle of friends to socialise with, so there's never the scenario you describe, nor would I feel comfortable being in that flirty situation. My wife is the least jealous person I know so unless a woman was sitting on my knee running her fingers through what little hair I've got left, whispering into my ear, my wife wouldn't bat an eyelid.

I've never been approached, never been flirted with and never been asked out. The few girlfriends I've had have all said they were attracted to my sense of humour and outlook on life, and even then I had to really work at it. I was the guy that often heard "you'll meet someone when you least expect it" LOL

But I learned to accept it and am totally comfortable with it.

Lack of spontaneity does grind you down over time.

My ex would "do" sex like he was following a recipe - so uninteresting. He would initiate things but I hardly ever did because I didn't much enjoy it, even though I'd reach orgasm!

New partner's ex would hardly ever initiate anything & then want him to get it over with as soon as possible, which put him off trying as he found it mundane.

We work well together though - a real treat to both be able to initiate things & then not have to have the same old sex every time

I'm not getting this - he's the only guy who's ever made you orgasm, yet he's utterly shit in bed? How does that work?

@NotTheFordType

My ex partner always made me orgasm, was convinced she was a porn star in the making, but was absolutely, by some margin, the least satisfying to have sex with. No chemistry, no connection, precious little love and certainly no heart felt affection. She was fit as you like and therefore orgasm was easy, being a visual creature and all that, but the spiritual and emotional side which is surely the measure of really great sex, was terrible.

Orgasm, to me at least, is not a yardstick to measure how good someone is in bed. They might get to the destination buy hook or by crook, but if the journey is terrible....?

I have read this thread with interest as my own situation is very similar. I have tried to being patient, discussing what we both want or don't want. My libido is higher, and my attitude to variety is wider than my DH. If I am lucky we manage a quick fumble under the duvet in the dark every couple of weeks, if I am very lucky we have intercourse once a month, and every 6 months we may have oral. Spontaneity is non existent and I have considered getting a f*ck buddy, but am reluctant as I am worried that this might be the beginning of the end? In all other ways our marriage is perfect.

Fbuddy is a dangerous game and for some people adds to the excitement. You need to compartmentalise the whole thing if you don't want it to spill over into an otherwise ok marriage. And of course not get found out and be able to live with yourself for doing it. Desperation leads to desperate things at times though.

Fbuddy only if agreed by both partners as a solution to an otherwise make or break situation, otherwise it's just cheating.