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Just can’t seem to get turned on anymore.

14 replies

LolaLow · 12/06/2018 14:14

As title. I find sex boring and a chore. I don’t really get turned on anymore in general tbh. Is there such a thing as Viagra for women? I really wish there was Sad

OP posts:
GrannyHaddock · 12/06/2018 16:25

What are your circumstances OP?

LolaLow · 12/06/2018 22:23

Been together 6 years, getting married next year. Am 30. I used to enjoy sex with him, he’s always been fairly ‘reserved’ and ‘stuffy’ in bed compared to my exes, however someone must have taught him well before he met me because he genuinely knew how to please me/ a women. He was a really considerate lover etc and I always came during sex. Never earth shattering but the best penetrative sex I’ve had.

However, he’s slightly less considerate these days. He expects me to be horny just because he’s sat next to me on the sofa. He wouldn’t ever think to send me a dirty picture/ text or anything. He doesn’t do anything to get me in the mood, just assumes I will be through him asking if I want sex, or him kissing me or hugging me whilst I’m cooking etc. I’m sorry but that doesn’t.

Also, him being fairly stuffy and reserved in bed hasn’t really been a massive issue before but it is now. I’m fed up, he can’t even say arse FFS. He comes up, grabs my arse and says ‘what a lovely bottom. In bed if he gets ‘carried’ away he’ll say something like ‘I can’t wait to feel your vagina.’ Or something equally as cringe. It’s like he’s 75, not 30!! The conversations between myself and my exes could have turned the air blue!

I’m naturally very shy in bed and it’s only through having confident, slightly dirty exes that I loosened up a bit re sex. Now I’m with someone who’s so fucking reserved and polite all the time, I feel like a bloody Nun.

I’m bored. Basically. I love him so much, he’s kind, caring, attractive etc but he’s just so boring in bed. I’ve tried buying toys etc but he looked weirded out at the small bullet vibe I bought and the couple of times we used it, we used it during sex and he complained he could feel it and it was making him want to come quicker. I bought him a cock ring about a year ago and that’s gone unused, when I produced it after a few glasses of wine he looked horrified.

I think he is just boring in bed. That would be fine if he didn’t want sex, but he does, at least 2-3 times a week and I just have absolutely 0 sex drive anymore.

I wish I knew a way to make myself horny Sad

OP posts:
Familymanhusband · 12/06/2018 22:36

Every long term relationship I've had has ended up like this.
Familiarity breeds contempt.
Eventually, sooner or later you get used to a person, so even if it's raunchy and exciting at the start, and even if they keep this up, eventually it will become samey and repetitive, familiar and boring.
I envy anyone who still gets thrills and excitement after years and years of the same relationship.
Sex, in my experience, tends to move from exciting to loving/comforting.
With him being far more reserved than you, there does sound like long term comparability issues though.
You mention that you'd like him to send you rude texts and dirty pictures to help get you in the mood. Do you do this for him or just rely on him being more naturally horny?

GrannyHaddock · 13/06/2018 06:52

You're not bored with sex, you're bored with your fiance's approach to sex. He's not bothering to woo you at all. As familyman says, sex does tend to become routine between long-term couples, but can evolve into a regular encounter that satisfies both. In your case this has gone further to the point that you are actively irritated by him. Many men would be delighted to have a raunchy, experimental partner, but he is actively turned off by your wish for more excitement. And using medical terms in the bedroom is never going to be sexy. I wonder why he can't see that. What happens when you tell or ask him to say "bum" or "arse" instead?

moviesgirl · 13/06/2018 08:08

+1 for what Granny said
FWIW viagra doesn't make someone horny, it just enables them to have an erection.

LolaLow · 13/06/2018 08:39

Familyman- We just rely on him being horny. When we were about 8 months in to our relationship, I sent him not even dirty pictures really, just pictures of me in some sexy underwear. He completely ignored the message and texted back asking about something else. I laughed at the time, a bit WTF?! And told a couple of my friends in a jokey way and they ripped him for it when they next saw him. He was all embarrassed and told me later how embarrassed he was. But that’s all he said? Yet he’s always banging on about me dressing up in nice underwear for him.

Unfortunately he CAN get horny just by sitting on the sofa, or by me kissing him etc but I can’t. I just can’t.

We’ve been together 6 years now and I need more to get me in the mood, I need some dirty talk, a build up etc.

Granny- when I’ve said ‘why do you say ‘Bottom’ he looks wounded and says ‘Well what do you want me to say?!’ I have to admit I just say nothing as I think what’s the point?! Can he really not think of a more sexy and ‘dirty’ word than ‘bottom’?! I’m not a child FFS.

I need to sit down and have a proper conversation with him about all this. The sex is dwindling and I am becoming more and more resentful of having sex so it can’t continue like this.

He is just so perfect in every other way, he also ISN’T bad in bed (as in his technique) he’s just grown lazy on the foreplay front after 6 years and is far too reserved and polite in bed for my liking.

But can you really change someone in terms of the latter? Surely what comes out of someone’s mouth is natural/ comfortable to them? And it coming naturally is the turn on really. I’m not sure if I’d even find it attractive if he started talking dirty randomly as that’s not ‘him’ and it would be forced Sad

The only thing I can think of is we were both VERY drunk once after a night out and he did then get quite ‘dirty’ in bed and was A LOT more confident etc. I was shocked but did like it. But the next day he seemed a bit sheepish/ embarrassed when we woke up as I think he remembered.

OP posts:
MarieG10 · 13/06/2018 08:44

Perhaps you need to try and lead him more? Whilst he has learnt about sex to make you happy in bed, it seems he is more reserved in other ways. You cant change him overnight but perhaps more gradually. my hubby is probably the more adventurous of us and during the day i would be less comfortable to have a discussion with him about sex and raunchiness in bed. However i find when we are in bed and aroused, it is easier being err perhaps dirty lol. I found once I used some rather dirty words and god did he respond. Had a really nice session, lots of dirty talk (mainly to me ) which really turned me on and gradually we got more confident and do more risque things. Just don't suggest you go straight in at the far end...gradual is better and then you both find your way

GrannyHaddock · 13/06/2018 14:15

Thanks for your full and useful posts. The first one didn't give us much to go on!
He thinks that you are available any time he likes with minimum preparation and build-up. No-one would like being taken for granted like that, or get turned on. No wonder you are not happy with it. Maybe you would like to be appreciated for more than just your bottom and vagina, whatever names he might use. Bearing in mind that people don't really change unless they can see a need to, can you imagine how things might be in 30 or 40 years if he continues in the same way? Are his many good points enough to balance out the flaws? Next time he asks "what do you want me to say"? just tell him! You have explained it clearly to us.

Familymanhusband · 13/06/2018 20:12

I understand completely the part about it needing to be natural to have an effect.

I'm in the same position - my DP is very reserved, generally vanilla and absolutely not dirty or passionate.

If I were to make requests and give guidance/instruction, it would totally miss the mark, because ultimately, for me at least, it's not hearing the specific rude words or the physical actions that are the real turn on or missing link, it's the natural enthusiasm and mindset of the other person that flicks my switch.

If I think they're doing it just to please me, whilst I appreciate the sentiment and effort, it's just not the same as someone doing it for THEM and the way THEY actually feel.

Someone asked me recently what turns me on the most about a woman, expecting me to describe some physical attribute or act, and after some thought, my honest answer was 'enthusiasm', shortly followed by sexual confidence. I'd take a plain Jane librarian type who was right up for it and horny, over a dull and boring super model, all day, everyday and twice on Sundays.

I totally sympathise with the OP, but sadly do not believe you can intrinsically change a person. You might change their behaviour, but not their soul, and its their soul that is the secret in my opinion and experience.

Not much use I know, but hopefully validates your feelings.

xpc316e · 15/06/2018 13:52

I am 61 year old and in a 15 year long relationship with a woman who is 10 years my junior. Like many men of my age, ED is sometimes a problem that we address with chemical assistance.

We do have sex less often than when we first got together, but we still have a very active and fulfilling sex life. We have not let things go stale; we have tried new things in our sex life. I make an analogy with ice cream: most of us start off liking vanilla, but there are many other wonderful flavours to try. When you try these new flavours, it does not stop you having the old favourite vanilla again but it does allow variety and interest. Sex lives do not have to get stale.

I would recommend a visit to this website: - it provides a long series of questions about what you might want to try and then your partner answers the same ones. The results are fed back to you so that you do not know what your partner might want unless you too are prepared to try the same thing. This means there can be no recriminations after revealing inner fantasies. Do give it a go; you may find that your partner is not the bore you thought them to be - and vice versa.

princesstiasmum · 15/06/2018 23:54

Can you answer me this question please,as you suffer from ED , do you still have the desire for sex, and if no viagra etc is used how do men cope with desire but not able to have sex,
It must be very frustrating,
Sorry to ask this, but my partner is having radiotherapy for prostate cancer, so wonder how it will be if he is not able to have sex, after , but wont have any help.or cant for medical reasons, will the desire for sex still be there?

xpc316e · 16/06/2018 14:35

princesstiasmum, I have never lost the desire to have sex; it is just that the body is at times unable to do what the mind would like it to do. I cannot imagine the mental desire fr sex will ever go away for me if I am in a relationship with a person I love, but of course that is just me.

My thoughts are with you and your partner; I hope you have a good outcome to his treatment - best wishes.

princesstiasmum · 16/06/2018 15:37

xpc316e Thank you for your reply and good wishes,,he is only at the start of his treatment , but the Hormone therapy has now kicked in,so will just have to see how it goes,radiotherapy only started 2weeks ago,so a long journey yet

ExceptionFatale · 24/06/2018 05:01


Have you heard that sex therapists and psychiatrists are now seeing that sexual arousal is "non-linear" for something like 80% of women and 20% of men?

Two weeks ago I found out about the concept of Responsive vs Spontaneous Desire and when I read the article I'll link at the bottom describing what Responsive Desire exactly is, I bawled. I sobbed so hard I woke my SO up who had me read the article to him. He held me and apologized for not giving me what I"ve been needing our entire relationship. I'm convinced that it may have saved my marriage, so please have a read and see if any if this resonates with you.

After reading this article I looked for more info on the subject...the feeling of being "normal" is something I never thought I'd be able to attain, knowing that I'm not "frigid" because I like to be held and caressed for an hour before being "groped". It's been a weight off my shoulders, maybe you can find some comfort in the information too:

Big big BIG hugs and Flowers for you hun.

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