Lack of Contraception impacting sex life

[SneakersInTheRain]

I've NameChanged for this.

DH and I have been together for 17years, two teenage kids. We haven't had penetrative sex in 5years. I can't use hormonal contraception (gives me migraines), and using a condom is excruciating - GP thinks it may be allergic reaction to spermicide. When I was young and in an abusive relationship I had a termination which I've found it hard to come to terms with. So at the mo our sex life is me giving DH a BJ every now and then and that's it. Anything else and I freak out at the thought of getting carried away and then getting pregnant. However as time goes on I feel like I'm just being used. I can't let go and enjoy myself and have to turn myself off. I'm on anti-depressant meds that cause issues with orgasm too. When I've suggested the snip DH has point blank refused (he once said if anything happened to our relationship he'd like the option of kids with someone else - I know, that sounds awful but I get his point - he is 5yrs younger than me - still in his early 40s). So I now find myself actively avoiding all intimacy, and whenever I try and talk to DH he shuts me down as doesn't want to talk. He is a great dad, works hard (probably too hard), shares the housework, but we tend to have different interests.

Any advice? I just feel longterm this isn't sustainable. I also feel as I'm getting older I'm unattractive and don't "deserve" sex. God, it's all such a mess.

Would you be to freaked out to use the copper coil? It's hormone free.

Does the mini pill also cause migraine for you?

Sorry to say this, but from a male point of view your DH is a cruel arse. How can he refuse to get a vasectomy because of potential fatherhood issues in an imaginary future relationship, when that refusal increases the chances of his current relationship going onto the rocks?

I had the snip at the age of 24 because of my then partner's wishes. That marriage ended and I am now in a relationship that has given me three step-children whom I love. I don't have my own biological children, but what difference does that make?

You are entitled to enjoy the sexual intimacy of a relationship without the terror of pregnancy, so tell him to be a real man and do what he needs to do for the woman he would claim to love.

I have the copper coil and I love it. No bad side effects, periods are same length as before maybe first two days slightly heavier and it didn’t hurt at all when it was inserted. I really recommend it. The big thing for me was no hormones, we aren’t quite ready for the snip yet so it’s a great option in the mean time.

Also to the PP her husband doesn’t HAVE to have the snip, it’s entirely his choice. If a man insisted a woman have the equivalent procedure there would be total uproar on here! (Op I know you aren’t insisting he does this by the way).

using a condom is excruciating - GP thinks it may be allergic reaction to spermicide

For him or you? It might be worth looking into some of the alternative types of condom, non latex with no spermicide and use a water based lube instead.

Oh there's also the female condom which means you'd be in control of placing it first

Try the copper coil - definitely not a Mirena one though if you've reacted to hormones in the pill. Your husband is being selfish

Can you monitor your cycles & have unprotected sex on the 100% safe days? Ie just before/after day? Might be rare but atleast it's something?

Sorry I meant just before/after period day

Check out daysy - if you don’t mind spending some money. It’s a very clever ovulation computer, basically takes your temp every day (orally) and tells you when you can and can’t have sex. It’s as reliable as the pill when used properly - I used it between baby one and two. Sold it recently as the coil is a bit more permanent for me, it was great though.

If your DH is unwilling to have a vasectomy I would certainly not be giving him blow jobs. Why should he get any pleasure when you aren't?

Thanks everyone for the replies.

@dementedpixie I've been put off a copper coil by a relative having one embedded and bleeding badly with it. I'm starting to think it's my only option though. And yes, I get migraine with the mini pill too.

@xpc316e Sometimes I get pretty annoyed about it as I was the one that took care of contraception for years and feel it's his turn. But then it's a surgical procedure and I know I wouldn't like to feel any pressure to have it done myself.

@busybarbara Excruciating for me. I've tried different brands, lube etc, and nothing helps.

@LitleRen and @JulieRobbers I'd feel very worried about using that method if I'm honest. When we were TTC I took my temp to find the best time and we found it killed the passion a bit and I'd worry about that too. Need to ignite it!

I guess I'm venting a bit, my libido has gone and as I approach menopause I just feel so unattractive. DH does occasionally hug and kiss me, but that sometimes just feels because he wants it to go further, not just a hug itself and just to be close. So it's not just the practical contraception bit but how it's affecting me emotionally I'm struggling with. I feel relief at bedtime when he's away on business as I know I can go to bed and relax rather than feel guilty over saying no again. It must be hard for him too being rejected.

I used a diaphragm for a bit and found it less crazy-making than hormonal methods and less like going swimming in wellies and waterproofs than using condoms.

Downsides: you have to be fitted by a doctor/nurse and as they’re less popular you may struggle to find someone trained, you have to use spermicide with it although it may be a different sort to what’s on condoms, and it’s a bit less effective than other methods (though we used it for about a year when we were in our 20s and presumably pretty fertile).

Could be worth investigating?

I don’t understand why your sex life is only about giving him blowjobs. Surely you aren’t worried about getting pregnant from him giving you oral? And there’s plenty of toys you could use together.... or do you just not want it anymore, and the blowjobs are to get him off your back?

There aren’t any safe days.
I have conceived at all different points in my cycle.
4 times!

@mulberry of course there are safe days, you are fertile before ovulation and at ovulation. It’s impossible to be able to conceive at any point of your cycle unless you have a 5 or 6 day cycle. It’s absolutely possible to know the exact point of your cycle and safe days by charting temps and using fertility trackers, you just have to be meticulous with how you do it. This is obviously harder if your cycles are totally irregular but still possible to find safe days.

I got pregnant just after my period / ok.
I got pregnant just as l was about to get my period/odd.
I got pregnant at the ‘typical’ time/ok
I got pregnant 3 days after my period/ a bit odd.
So, for me... any time in my cycle.

Sneakers. Having read your original post, I'm so sorry for you as it all does sound a real mess and if I were you I would worry longer term for the marriage as you only have to read in here that couples go without sex but eventually it frequently breaks the relationship as the emotional connection and intimacy is missing. For me, sex with my husband and (I know TMI) but the feel and sight of him coming inside me is such a lovely and intimate feel and I just don't know how a marriage survives long term without, although of course some do.

I do sympathise about his views on the snip but for different reasons as I have known of a guy who did get infected and was in a mess for a while, but I do think it s the exception. Given that you both haven't had sex for 5 years I would have thought he might want to consider it but it sounds like your relationship overall isnt in a great place.

Some frank discussions are called for to include where your relationship is, what you both want out of it and how you both feel about the lack of a ex life. Perhaps you can judge how to move on from there?