Need more foreplay - communication not working well

[hardtotalk]

NC for various reasons....I'm in a lovely relationship with a man I love. I'm 43 and have been with him for just over a year - I think he's the first person I've ever made love to (IYSWIM) and, having felt loss of libido during my marriage to the point where I was sure I just had no sex drive, love being intimate with him.

BUT - I can't pinpoint when it happened, foreplay is rushed to non-existent. In fact, it may always have been fairly rushed between (in the early days) not getting to see each other much and feeling so turned on that we were both ripping each others clothes off! I've tried saying that I'd really like to take things slowly and build up the desire; I've been explicit (in emails) about how slowly I'd like to go; I've explained how woman's desire builds up in different ways...

Now, I'm at a loss. Despite being gobby in many ways and headstrong and independent; I find directly asking for what I want really difficult and embarrassing. I don't want to upset him; he's sensitive (and a good lover) but I'm fed up with missing out on crucial foreplay (all the time).

I've suggested games and we've slowed things down to spending ages kissing, caressing and then it gets to whipping clothes off and DTD. It's not that I'm not turned on, but I want to be MUCH more turned on and begging for it.

I'm not used to feeling aroused by someone touching my arms; stomach; hips etc and he really turns me on - I want to him to do that for longer; teasing each other; general foreplay, not just him going down on me or penetrating me immediately. I rarely get to touch him before we get down to it....I know that he gets turned on quickly and, sometimes loses his erection if he's tired - maybe that's his concern.

Whenever I've been (what I think is) clear about what I want, I feel a bit disappointed that it doesn't really change things (I actually think he thinks it does; he once asked 'how was that for slow' - he'd spent over an hour massaging me which was amazing, but then skipped the sexual part of foreplay and went straight for penetration).

I need to talk to him. We don't always get much alone time, so I get why we DTD as much as we can (that's such a change for me, so I'm not complaining too much) but it's getting harder for me to orgasm because I need to be more turned on before.

How can I say it without offending him or making it seem like he's not been listening to me?! A friend of mine said that men (in her experience) don't always pick up on 'subtle' or indirect feedback. I don't want to hurt him; I suspect I've not been clear or direct enough....

I wonder if you need to sort of break the stages down for him so he understands the process and progression of your arousal? One way of doing this would be to focus on each stage in isolation, so have sessions where you only do the things within that 'stage' (if that makes sense?) and nothing else.

You are going to have to talk to him though, would it help if you could frame it as a positive thing do you think? Maybe put it across as wanting to be as close as possible and really know each other sexually and use the 'doing things in isolation' thing as a way to do that but also to show him exactly what it is you need. I just think it would give you the chance to show/tell him what the 'stages' are for you and then you can explain that you need all the stages to build up to DTD.

I hope at least some of that was remotely helpful OP, I find it really difficult to talk about this stuff too so I fully sympathise, it's worth it if you can manage to find a way to communicate though, me and DH are finally getting there now after 17 years together

Thank you - I do need to try and find a way to frame it positively.

He was starved of intimacy and affection during his marriage (and I didn't want much during mine) so we are very close. And possibly a little vulnerable. His ex never really focussed on his pleasure, so maybe that's why he can be like that. But you're right - talking is the only way. Squirm!!!

On the positive- he gives you an hour long massage and goes down on you as well as caressing your hips, stomach etc. Sounds pretty good to me!

Oh yes, I’m not complaining, I just need more foreplay/getting in the mood to get ‘properly’ turned on and I don’t enjoy oral if I’m not turned on to start with

You sound a lot like me and DH, both brought baggage into our relationship which made us both really vulnerable and sensitive about sex, especially talking about it. You're already streets ahead of us in that we wasted years either skirting round or just plain burying the problem, you're wise to tackle it now before being unsatisfied becomes the norm in your relationship.

Your DP does sound considerate and generous but that's all a bit of a waste if it doesn't work for you. It is on you to tell him what you do need though (sorry!) so now you have to find a way to do that which doesn't make you want to curl up and die

Thanks wtfisthis....you’ve hit the nail on the head with the ‘wanting to curl up and die’. I’m a strong communicator (normally!!)....tomorrow is the night...wish me luck!!

I do wish you luck I've been known to have to talk to DH with my back turned because I can't look him in the face and have that sort of conversation It does get easier the more you do it, honest!

If you think he might rush because he sometimes loses his erection & is worried about that, then Viagra (or similar) may well help.

Agree about a slow build-up heightening arousal & enjoyment.