Sex Drive Long Term Relationship

[NameChangeMcNameChangeFace]

If you can't guess I've name changed for this!

How can I increase my sex drive?

We've been together over 10 years. I love him and can't see myself without him. I know he loves me.

But (the big but) my sex drive doesn't meet his.

He is a really good lover. He makes sure I come first. He'd happily pleasure me with nothing in return.

But I just can't be arsed a lot of the time. I love cuddling up to him but I'm rarely interested in the sex side of things. I'd be happy with once a month maybe once every 2 months.

I'd love to say he's understanding. But he's not that understanding. He'd like it 2-3 times a week. He works a lot of hours so most of the time I can say I'm tired and he will accept that as he is too. But i will wake up with him groping me (my boobs) in his sleep. He is actually asleep I'm sure. I will push him off as I get hot easily and it's annoying, he will wake up (he's a light sleeper) and will tell me he wants to make love to me but I tell him he's just woke me up and I'm not in the mood (I'm a grumpy cow when woken up) so he rolls over and goes back to sleep. He doesn't remember any of this in the morning.

So basically, he's really horny, but I'm not. We both enjoy it when we do have sex but for him it's not often enough. I adore him. He helps around the house (all the usual mumsnet suggestions for men) he's a good dad, will cook if asked to help (he works lots of hours and our kids are at school but I don't work) he fixes things, he doesn't pressure me for sex per se but does bring it into conversation quite a lot and tells me how gorgeous I am (I'm really not) and how much he wants to make love to me.

I WANT to make him happy. But I know I'm not giving him enough sex. It's about once every 2 weeks. And it's rare that I'll sleep with him if I've not had a drink. Wine seems to make me more relaxed and more horny. Though sometimes it just send me to sleep!

Any suggestions?

Do you do any exercise?

Yes. A couple of cardio classes a week. The odd run. I'm quite active during the day and walk a lot.

so he rolls over and goes back to sleep. He doesn't remember any of this in the morning. Trust me, he does remember...

so he rolls over and goes back to sleep. He doesn't remember any of this in the morning. Trust me, he does remember...

Ok the odd time he might do but definitely not most of the time.

I quite regularly have whole conversations with him about random things and he very rarely remembers them. For example last night I came to bed about an hour later than him as I was watching a film (then posting on here.. but I didn't mention that!), he woke up, asked me about the film and I told him the ending, then he fell back asleep. He had no memory of the conversation at all this morning!

Are you on the pill? Absolutely killed my sex drive, and I know I'm not the only one. Any other medication that might be having an effect?

Separately, I find reading erotica really gets me in the mood - there's some excellent well written fanfic around if that's your sort of thing, otherwise it's easy to find good recs on here for steamy novels. No need to mention to your DH, just give it a try (kindle app on phone if you don't do kindle) & see if it does the trick . . .

No I'm not on the pill or any other medication. He's had the snip so need for contraception.

Will give the erotica a try. I've never read fab fic. I think I might find it a bit cringey. I do like reading so maybe that will work.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Sorry that I don’t have any suggestions to help (mainly because I’m in a similar situation) but I wanted to mention that my DP wakes me up for sex at all hours but doesn’t remember it the next day, genuinely. Strange!

I'm in a similar situation to your husband and read these boards hoping to find a solution.

Everything is great except the lack of sex which I really struggle with. She'd be happy with once a fortnight, I'm happy with once a day. Of course it started out this way and my desire hasn't changed. Hers has gradually and consistently declined year after year.

My DW is aware that it's a problem for us but is struggling to find a solution, as am I.

What makes it personally difficult for me is that when she does on occasion 'try', and I really do appreciate that she is making an effort, it's rubbish sex as there's no passion or enthusiasm her part. It's like going to a restaurant with someone who's not hungry and just want's a salad and a glass of water.

Self satisfaction doesn't cut the mustard, nor does going through the motions. The thirst that needs to be quenched comes from being with a partner as equally enthusiastic as you, who wants you, NEEDS you, fancies you and gets satisfaction from being with you.

To feel superfluous to requirements and not sexually important to your chosen life partner, to me at least is crushing and soul destroying. It has a long lasting and significant impact on confidence, self esteem and mental health, promoting resentment and emotional isolation.

Please report back if you find a workable solution.

You’re safe, comfortable, cared for, loved, given attention, compliments, affection. All the things that make long term relationships lose their edge.
You crave danger, insecurity, intrepidation, unpredictability, - you could just have married a bastard who will always leave you hanging...
but alternatively - here’s a video that explains a few things,

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d079McwlBRE

Hope it helps op?

I don't think that video is particularly helpful. Maybe I misinterpreted it but it seemed like it was saying work out what you both need, respecting what the other person needs and come to a compromise.

I know what we both need (we do talk quite openly) and I'd be happy with a compromise but that doesn't help with increasing my sex drive or decreasing his.

I'm also not sure what you mean by saying that I crave danger, insecurity etc.

I don't know why you would think that. Or even how it helps.

Hi OP - I guess what I’m suggesting (and I’m happy to be wrong!) is that over time we can devalue the familiar and crave novelty. And for most of us those butterflies are triggered by the first flush of romance - when things are uncertain, and scary and full of unknown promise. And it’s hard to maintain these things in a long term relationship.
So what the video attempts to show is that being in each other’s pockets, being too close, safe and secure can be passion killers.
And the more you feel too close, the more he will sense your retreat as rejection, and seek to get closer, making you feel clostraphobic. A sense of independence and separation can rekindle sexual attraction. He may need to back off a bit? The groping and being awoken must be a total turn off!
It’s a shame it’s said in the video in the context of explaining infidelity- but the same dynamics apply whether someone is contemplating infidelity or simply no longer feeling attracted to other half. Although for both parties - a sense of boredom or rejection can threaten a relationship.

I should’ve also said that having kids seemed to bring out all my anxieties which is a major libido killer too so perhaps there’s an element of that that’s coming through with all the cleaning?

Communication will be key too. Good luck OP!

Shit sorry cross posted

OP I came on to post exactly what you have written in your OP, I am in the same situation as you, my sex drive just isn’t there while my DH’s just hasn’t changed since we got together 6 years ago.

The difference is I think we are about to separate because of it. I believe my husband is at the end of his tether and that may be it- the problem is I have no magic switch to turn my desire on again so I have every sympathy with you.

Sexual incompatibility sucks, particularly when it’s due to a decline in sexual desire from one party rather than an initial incompatibility.

@Dadaist I’ve just managed to watch the link you put up thread and it’s very very insightful

I must say
Mine has increased and my husband had decreased and I hate it this isn't just a women' thing and I feel sorry for your husbands....

I feel sorry for my husband too. Obviously the main reason I have asked for help.

mmmccccccxxx I’m not sure anyone is suggesting it’s just a woman thing. The OP is clearly asking for help and some other of us have come on to say we understand and are going through the same thing, and we know this as we also would love to be able to move forward with this.

I would love to be able to flick a switch in my body and bring my libido back, as I’m sure the OP would too. It’s sad to feel like this when you love someone so much. I’m sure it’s equally heartbreaking and frustrating on the other side of things.