I have been so stupid!

[Feelingdown6]

Hi,

I have been unhappy in my (almost 20 year) marriage for quite a while mainly because I feel hubby and myself have nothing in common and we have no sex life (I don't fancy him at all now). I have wanted out a while but stay because of our 2 children.

So, before Christmas, I stupidly joined a chat site not thinking of where it would lead. I honestly thought it was chat about everyday stuff not sex. Of course, being female I was inundated with messages from men. I actually got a kick out of it at first and loved the attention I was getting. I ignored most but one stood out and I really liked the way he chatted to me. He came back night after night and we really hit it off. He talked about life etc. and we got on well. He asked me for my number and I gave it and he has phoned me regularly since the new year. Of course, the subject turned to sex. He said he was divorced and lived alone down south. He asked me to send intimate photos and he would be the only one seeing them. He always complimented me and encouraged me to do more. Stupidly, I did! I started falling for him tbh. He started phone sex with me after our 3rd call. OMG was he good at that. Every night (apart from the weekend) he would phone and I'd sneak upstairs out the way of hubby. Of course, I became desperate for him.

He genuinely seemed legit and wanted to meet me. I am absolutely convinced now he used a false name and he'd never send a close up photo of his face. Stupidly, I arranged to meet him (I travelled down south) and we did have sex numerous times (in the one meet). And, boy was it good (made me realise just how boring my hubby is). I was concerned, however, that he looked older than he'd told me (although he said he'd aged badly due to working outside).

He came with a coffee cup from Starbucks and it didn't have the same name as the one he said was his (I checked after he'd gone). I already knew his surname. He made a quick exit after our 'session' and I did start to get suspicious. Anyway, I did a bit of digging around on facebook. I found him with his real name (and with a woman in a lot of his pics). I knew it was him as I discovered his family that he'd mentioned on his friends list. I also found on there things he'd told me he was interested in.

I haven't heard from him since but feel really hurt that someone I thought I was having a lovely online/phone affair with (he made me feel extra special iykwim) has been, effectively, grooming me for sex. I can't believe I fell for it! I am convinced now he is older and just a dirty perv! I now feel terrible that I fell for it and have cheated on my hubby. This guy has very intimate photos of me. I can't believe I fell for his twaddle but we got on so well. I'm not sure if his woman is still around but he seems to spend lots of time alone. I get the feeling they have recently split.

I get the feeling he is hunting around online for women and using them for sex. I can't believe I fell for it. He told me he was different to the usual cesspit characters on chat rooms.

How could I have been so stupid?

How could I have been so stupid?

To be frank I have no idea.

Not helpful I know but you cant undo whats been done. You should consider your marriage, which sounds like its been over a while, so you can both be happy.

Oh, and you were not groomed. You are an adult and capable of making your own decisions. I genuinely hope, for your own dignity, the photos you sent just showed your genitals.

Oh dear, how dare he be just like you...

Shit happens. You were both consenting adults. Forget it and move on. Trust you used contaception!

@Feelingdown6
Get an STI test. Jeez. I cannot believe you sent him intimate photos tbh. What's done is done. Guilt is not going to help you or your relationship is it? What are you thinking of doing now? Telling your husband? Leaving him?

Bless you. You were sad and lovely and liked the attention from another man who said all the right things and got you into bed and turned out to be a liar.
It happens a lot. Don’t waste any more time thinking about him, you had sex, you enjoyed it.
Now your focus should be either working on your marriage do you can get all the sex you need from your husband or end your marriage and be free to have more sex with others or start a new relationship etc.

What he did, lie and mislead to get you to have sex with him, was wrong. What you're doing, lying to your husband with whom you made vows, is also wrong. Both of those things are true, neither cancel the other.

I can understand feeling duped and silly, this is how your husband will feel if or when he finds out about this affair. I would recommend you tell him so he can make a decision about whether or not he wants to work on your marriage. You ought to make that decision too.

You were sad and lovely and liked the attention from another man who said all the right things and got you into bed and turned out to be a liar.

This ^ to be honest. I craved the attention. I know what I've done is very wrong. I am going to forget it and put it behind me. I owe it to my husband to work on our marriage. I don't think I'll get over the shame and feeling of stupidity.

Are you going to tell your husband?

No. What would that do apart from destroy our marriage? I just won't ever do this again.

I'm surprised by the reactions here. Had it been a man saying he'd actively sought out someone to fuck behind his wife's back and was then disappointed when the shag turned out to have lesser morals than he thought (and happened to be more like him!), I think the response would be different...

Forgive my lack of sympathy OP, I find it hard to send any your way. It's stuck with your poor husband who was downstairs whilst you pleasures yourself to a stranger upstairs, sending him intimate photos.

Even in your OP, you call your husband boring. Why not do the right thing and let him find someone who appreciates him. He should LTB

Sorry OP but you are an idiot.
Your poor DH sat downstairs alone while you mess about with a complete stranger (who sounds married anyway) over the phone, then you meet up with him for causal sex (cheating on DH) and now you're looking for sympathy because he used you exactly like you used him??
Do you want a medal for telling him you were married when he obviously kept it secret from you or what? Did you want him to run away with you and leave poor DH sat alone wondering what went wrong because you're incapable of talking to him?
Please get a grip OP you both sound absolutely horrid, poor husband!!!!!!!

I thought you were going to say you regretted lying to your husband not that you were gutted at having been lied to 🤔

So your shocked that this man wasn’t who he said he was?
Did he know your married?

I feel sorry for your dh. If your marriage is that boring then do him a favour and leave, then you can chat and fuck who ever you like.

I haven't heard from him since but feel really hurt that someone I thought I was having a lovely online/phone affair with (he made me feel extra special iykwim) has been, effectively, grooming me for sex.

You are a fully functioning adult. He did not groom you; he seduced you.

Stop trying to project the guilt you have for cheating onto someone else, and accept that it takes two to tango. This man did nothing worse than what you did.

A lovely affair.

I have no words.

How are things now op?

Phone sex fun between two consenting adults no problem. Dropping your knickers and sending photo's to a stranger is a no no. You're a big girl, you know better.

@noego surely it's not ok when your HUSBAND is downstairs?

Sending a huge hug to your husband. You're a twat.

This is what happens when you lie and cheat. No matter the circumstances of your relationship you can't have the moral highground here.

I think you were hoping this man was going to be your escape.

Unfortunately for you there are people willing to lie and cheat on their partners in order to exploit the fact that you can't go tell his wife without risking him finding and telling your husband in revenge, I suspect you fear being alone.

Did this new man know you were married??

I think you need to really rethink your marriage

You have been burnt. It is hard to have sympathy, as you are not an innocent here, but equally, you are only human. The difference is if this is a one off or if you are predatory. (I am
not sure that I believe you when you say you didn't think chat would turn to sex, if am honest).

If it is a one off, I wouldn't tell your husband. Get yourself checked out. Stop chatting online. Have a good hard think about your marriage, and mentally recommit or leave. Whatever the outcome, be kind to your husband. He is the innocent party here.