Name changed, as this is quite a sensitive subject for me. Hoping you lovely lot can help a girl out!
A bit of background - I have no interest in sex. I have been working on my mental health for a while, and I'm trying to have a better understanding of why I have no interest. Only underlying health conditions is hypothyroid, and it is treated. I also have 3 children.
I have been embarrassed about anything sexual for as long as I can remember, and I've been putting the pieces together. I remember when I first started to become interested in touching myself, my mum would suddenly appear each time. She never saw what I was doing, as far as I could tell but say I was in the bath at the time she'd tell me I needed to get out now.. banging on the door if I locked it. or if I was in bed she'd tell me I needed to get up to go to the toilet, standing there waiting. She must have known? I was about 12/13.
Therefore I stopped touching myself. I felt dirty, and like my mum was stopping me as I shouldn't be doing it.
I started again at about 14/15, when I started to become interested in boys. I did it in the bath, and in bed late at night. I have loads of siblings and never got a moments peace away from everyone unless I was sleeping or bathing.
Each time I was up late of a night, touching myself, the next morning my mum would be angry with me telling me I must go to sleep immediately when getting into bed. She never had a problem with me staying up late before that playing games in bed etc, and I never let it affect me getting up in the morning for school.
She caught me with condoms before, and went mad at me telling me not to use them. The look on her face made me feel like a tramp. I had sex at 15, and felt like I needed to as that was the only way to experiment sexual as I couldn't at home.
Now every time I touch my self I can't get into in, and I feel dirty and embarrassed. I can't relax, and I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like someone is going to come banging and crashing about making me feel like I did as a child. Same thing with having sex with DH, I feel on edge, embarrassed and awkward. We probably only have sex once a year, if that 
. We're both still young, and I feel awful like I'm dragging him down. I want a healthy happy sexual relationship with my DH but I feel like I'm broken and can't be fixed. I don't know how to get over this sexual shame.
Anyone had a similar issue before or have any idea what steps I can take to get over this? I want to work on it myself, before the last option of seeing my doctor for counselling.
Also I never get any time or space to myself with having the kids around and I want to keep my DH out of this until I'm ready to include him. I want to use a vibrator but don't have the space or time. I don't want DH to know if I use one, I want to work on this and surprise him. I make the effect to touch myself at least once a week whilst having a bath. I do get eroused occasionally but i always feel disappointed after, and I've never 'come'. I don't like the idea of anal or DH performing oral on me. I'm a bit of a control freak so like to have the control.
Any help?
I even feel so embarrassed posting this, please don't judge 
.