Help! Can’t feel much and I’m rubbish on top

[Gettingbackinthesaddle]

So I’m in a newish (about a year) relationship having been in a sexless marriage for many years. I see new partner only every 4-6 weeks although we’re in daily contact in between. This works for us in current circs but is relevant due to limited opportunities to have sex.

So, I feel like the sex we’re having is kind of getting less good and not improving as we get more familiar with each other and having been out of practice so long I don’t know how to fix things.

Issues include

I can barely feel anything vaginally. We both like me on top because of the eye contact and he likes to look at my bod but other than when he’s too deep and hits my low-hanging cervix I can’t really feel anything, even to the point of not noticing immediately that he’s slipped out . Missionary is not much better though I get the sensation of him thrusting so it’s a bit better. Tried doggy and that didn’t really make much difference and I missed looking at him. For me, probably due to not having much sensation, the connection and the intimacy are really important. GP tells me I don’t have a prolapse and my vaginal walls are strong for my age (late 40s, 2 kids) I think I do have a mild prolapse and have been using an electronic pelvic floor toner that has massively improved my ability to flex my vaginal muscles but I still don’t feel like I can grip him. Him being slimmish of girth (though probably average, my husband was just very big) and me getting very wet don’t help much either . Anyone got any ideas?

Other issue is that whilst we both love me being on top because of the view (both ways, I think he’s gorgeous and I’m not shy about him looking at my bod) I’m not used to being up there (never did it with my husband) and so can’t seem to get the rhythm right. Not being able to feel anything doesn’t really help either.

I just want it to be great. I have low expectations for myself in terms of having an orgasm but do get turned on and get a lot from the intimacy and feeling of closeness. I really want it to be good for him and I just feel a bit useless and that I’m probably crap compared to women he’s been with before. I don’t want to let on to him that I feel inadequate because I don’t think that’s very sexy but I’ve been trying to fake being a wanton goddess and I think after the last time which was a few days ago, my mask has slipped a bit and I just feel like a middle aged woman who doesn’t really know what she’s doing

Help!

This isn't helpful sorry but just wanted to say I feel for you.
I am a similar age and really want to be a sexy confident lover but, in actuality, I'm a bit shit at sex.
My DP refuses to believe I would love to give him a blow-job but don't know how too properly! I'm sure he thinks I'm trying to be 'cute and innocent' but I get that isn't a thing as I near 50.
Wish my inner wanton goddess was a bit more helpful.

Thanks Polly for the solidarity

Being in a sexless marriage for so long takes it’s toll I think on your confidence, not just in the sack but in other ways. I need to find a way to talk to him about it I think. Just was hoping some MN wanton goddesses might have some tips for me to try out to buy me a bit more time to fake it till I make it (not that I am actually faking it which is a whole other thread - maybe DP has a thread going somewhere about his new partner who he can’t get to orgasm

I am by no means an expert. I was in a sexless marriage and have been seeing someone new only for a short time. Sex is incredible though

I find on top is the only way I can orgasm after having had DC. Helps that he loves it too. Three moves tend to do the trick:
When he's fully inside of you, sit and slowly move your hips forward and back. He shouldn't come out at all as you're not moving upwards, if you see what I mean? The friction of this hits me in the right places. Gives you the opportunity to reach behind and play with his balls, if he's into that.
Still on top, moving hips so that instead of up/down movement, you're going in circles. On the down movement, you push yourself forward, pull back then up. Repeat.
Then, if he's on top, the rhythm is super important. "Guide" his hips to work in forward circles (like the second scenario with you in top). The idea is to try and move so that as he's pushing forward, you're also pushing forward at that time. Instant orgasm.
Apparently there's nothing sexier than a whispered "tell me what you want..."

Thanks Llama that’s really helpful. I can certainly try more of the rocking and circling thing. I think I’m putting pressure on myself for it to be amazing because the feeling of being desired again is lovely and I just want it to be amazing for him. At the moment I think it’s just a bit meh for him and we don’t get enough time together to practice much

Definitely try the grinding movement rather than bouncing up and down, also way easier is you are on the sofa so you can hold the back for a bit more erm force
I used to be sooo unconfident on top but with new so I made a real effort to get great at it.
There are a lot of how to videos out there too if you have a wee google

Defo the grinding and circling. Am new to it as well, never having done it with my STBX and am 50 now! It helped that in a recent relationship the bloke had ED issues and was upfront about it, so to speak, lol. I tried everything, googled techniques etc and found me being on top doing the grind had excellent results . I think you should have a chat with him about it. I'm no longer with the ED bloke but he ended up the best lover I ever had. He'd never had courage to speak to anyone about it til me.

Thanks both. It makes me feel better to know I’m not alone in this! To be honest I have watched vids and I have tried the circling back and forth thing but he seemed to want to thrust up and down and grabbed my hips so maybe we need to get more in synch! Frustrated cos it’ll be a while before I see him again.

Tell him to lay there and enjoy it while you do the work. That'll stop untimed thrusts, he will last longer and you'll have a great time working him over

Bloody hellfire. He needs to help you get to orgasm BEFORE you have penetrative sex.

When you get out your vibrator, what's his reaction?

He loves me getting my bullet out but this isn’t really about my orgasm. I’ve always struggled with that and it takes me ages even when I’m on my own. He’s very concerned that that should happen for me but to be honest I’d rather not be under pressure to come, I enjoy the ride and it’s not all about the destination for me. But I do want him to have an amazing time. Not sure what that says about me that his pleasure is more important to me than my own but that’s the way it is. At the moment it’s more important to me that I feel like I’m doing things right though I also accept it takes two and he has a role in that as well.

well every day's a school day - always assumed that I should go up and down rather than circles when i'm on top.

Maybe that's why I find it exhausting and impossible to orgasm i that position

It’s difficult to rally get know someone sexually when you don’t see them to have sex very much, is it because you live far away from each other?
Are you able to talk about it in between seeing him?