Do you mind telling me why you like BDSM

[sourpatchkid]

Prompted by another thread

Honestly, I genuinely don't understand it and I'd like to. It's not something I want to do so I am partly just being a nosy fucker - feel free to ignore me, I just like to understand (and do with many 'kinks')

I don't mean any offence but so much of what people talk about sounds abusive to me (choking sounds terrifying) I just don't understand why you'd want someone to do these things.

People are all different and enjoy different things. For example CaveWoman doesn't like pain, but submission is herthing

Strangely on some level I can understand submission but only to a relatively gentle stage. I guess I'm interested in the psychological processes that makes things like choking feel erotic.

Theres a short and a long answer to that question.

In short - because it makes my orgasms so much better.

I don't think you will get many honest answers here. I personally identify as a masochist not submissive but this IS mumsnet, and discussing some of my personal kinks here - what we do, the reasons why, the effect they create etc - would not be either sensitive or productive given the situations many posters seeking help, find themselves in.

Liking these things doesnt mean they have to be present during sex just that they enhance my sexual enjoyment (and his also). There are many many people who since 50 shades have bought into the fantasy, the romance, joined the scene and got hurt because they dont know what they are doing...for people like me to share what we do and how it feels is difficult because we have over 50 years combined experience doing these things and started when folk were more interested in learning how to do some of the more extreme stuff safely. That's not the case anymore. Have you heard of sub frenzy?

There are inherent risks in anything... take a little light bondage - not even something like breathplay for example. Youre tied up, he passes out (maybe from something as simple as not eating and a late night) what do you do? Or shes tied up - he doesnt know she has a spider phobia and she freaks at a spider running across the floor, starts hyperventilating... what does he do?

We have loads of subtle safeguards built into what we do - he notices a reaction out of place and I can be reassured I am as safe as I can be.

So back to the original question - now I've waffled a lot. I like it because it feels good, it gives me a great head space and great orgasms.

Thanks for the reply. I understand people might not want to share - it's just sparked my interest and thought the sex board might be a place to ask.

I've always thought the 50 shades thing must have caused difficulties, people seemed to be sucked into something that perhaps wasn't what they truly wanted

When you’re very sexually aroused, as in hair trigger from an orgasm, sensations that would normally transmit as pain - spanking, biting, nipple pulls etc. - become very pleasurable.

For me, I like being submissive because it's the ultimate rush of feeling attractive - this person wants me so much I become an object for their pleasure.

Thanks everyone, I understand it all so far (although for me it still just bloody hurts! But I get for some it doesn't)

I suppose it's the more extreme end of the spectrum I struggle to differentiate from abuse.

sourpatchkid - the only difference is consent. You don't negotiate abuse, you don't willingly participate in/help to plan/suggest ways in which you might like... abuse and you cant stop, abuse.

50 Shades was abuse not BDSM.

If you can't imagine yourself submitting why not add a little domination to you fantasies and see how that feels?

Did you find 50 shades abusive? That's interesting and helps me to understand more because (I've never really read the books) but the dynamic between them just seemed really off to me. He just seems like an arsehole.

Trauma Reenactment is often at play, in BDSM relationships imo, although unsurprisingly many people resist the idea that who they are sexually is shaped by unpleasantness and trauma from their pasts. Which while unsurprising, is illogical - who we are as whole beings are shaped by our experiences, and our sexual desires are not magically excluded from that.

This piece gives a great - if lengthy - overview of trauma reenactment.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3330499/

Many individuals re-create and repetitively relive the trauma in their present lives. These phenomena have been called reenactments. For example, it has been found that women who were sexually abused as children are more likely to be sexually or physically abused in their marriages. It has been noted that traumatized individuals seem to have an addiction to trauma. A number of researchers have observed that retraumatization and revictimization of people who have experienced trauma, especially trauma in childhood, are all too common phenomena.

I haven't some across any research specifically looking into the links between trauma reenactment and BDSM as a practice, but from my own personal experience, and discussions with many friends who are drawn to BDSM practices, there seems to be a fairly strong correlation.

The connections are not always obvious either - it's not that you were choked during sexual abuse as a child, so now you require that. More, (and I am not a psychologist, so am spitballing here based off what I've read, and come across,) as a random example:

that during your development there were a variety of factors that may have left you without a strong sense of personal boundaries, perhaps with a deeply seated uncertainty about what those you love think of your value, and a feeling of helplessness in certain circumstances - with or without any sexual abuse.

These factors could lead you to seek out the familiar - helplessness and crossed boundaries, along with a sense of not having value (you don't hurt what you value, after all,) - while simultaneously attempting to seek what you desperately wanted and needed as a child.

So, attempting to reframe your past sense of nonconsensual helplessness positively via a consensual giving up of power. Attempting to find certainty in one's value by being treated like a pet or child who belongs to the other person utterly (essentially that's the domination/submission dynamic.) And crossed boundaries turned into an erasure and denial of the need for them.

This isn't always actively harmful to people. Trauma bonding however, as mentioned by Womb in the thread that inspired this one, turns this already questionable-to-harmful coping mechanism, into something extremely toxic.

Obviously there can well be other factors at play, but in my experience, everyone who hasn't recoiled angrily at the 'accusation' that their sexual life could be shaped by their past traumas, has related that their developmental years have indeed contained factors that probably contributed to and shaped their BDSM based desires now.

Sorry for the long screed!

Obviously there can well be other factors at play, but in my experience, everyone who hasn't recoiled angrily at the 'accusation' that their sexual life could be shaped by their past traumas, has related that their developmental years have indeed contained factors that probably contributed to and shaped their BDSM based desires now.

Honestly, if you go around trying to persuade people that their very personal sexual preferences are down to past trauma, then yes, they're going to 'recoil' angrily. I imagine you would too.

Personally, I had a pretty sheltered and happy childhood. No weird trauma. And yet, the BDSM fantasies arrived with adolescence anyway. I've never had a problem with them. I also don't have problems with boundaries in my personal life.

I do have a big problem with people telling me I am deluded about my own sexual preferences, based on some pop-psych about not feeling valued or trauma from childhood. It's really patronising, and kind of annoying.

Like WinchestersInATardis Im not convinced that you can blaim it all on past trauma or past abuses. I have had a nice, safe and most of all very loving and caring up bringing. If I may share a little bit of what I get from the dominant role and my experiance if it helps to the picture. As to what draws me to it I don't know exactly what it is, I guess that's the same with any kinks. Different stokes for different folks. But it not because I fit any of the steroytypes in my personal life or background that some would like to demonise the scene.

In my experiance in a way the whole term dominant is a misleading when you scratch the surface. What I do is more for the other persons pleasure than mine. Not that i dont enjoy it of course. I have a very mischievous, sadistic and teasing sense of humour that carries across in my play. But most of it for me is constantly reading and assessing the reactions of the other person. Also it's a lot about really getting to know the other other person and using you very intimate knowlage of them to provide them the up most pleasure and experiance. It takes a shit load of emotional intelligence and the ability to put yourself in their head. In a way it's the other person who leads the play, I am simply respond to the the way the other persons responses and a lead the play according to them. It's not an easy role but it is so rewarding when you know and see the enjoyment of the other person. For me it's actually a really a really caring role (although I understand this may be hard to understand). It's not about harshness. For me most of all it's about care and (maybe ironically) service to the submissive. The focus is their enjoyment and that where my enjoyment comes from. And there is tones on tenderness too, especially the after care. But also there is a huge and very serious responsibility (as others have said) for someone else's welbeing both physical and mental (which is often overlooked). Maybe that aspect of complete responsibility and care for someone else does replicate my real everyday life. I know my current partner really enjoys the aspect of being totally cared for and having to make no desicision (she has a very stressful personal life). I think there are many mispersentions of BDSM and to be fair the term BDSM is a very broad spectrum covering a whole load of different play and attitudes. I'm not sure what impact 50 shades has had, never seen it. But I suspect it has given people who have had no previous experiance of this play a warp view. Which of course is dangerous because as I said done wrong there is the chance of damage both physically and emotionally. Knowlage is also important, you need to know what your doing. I guess that's why I also love the honour of the trust the other person puts in me.

Also for the record I am perfectly capable of enjoying hot, fulfilling and loving normal sex.

Thank you so much to everyone who has answered, I really value your openness with me and your opinions.

I had a happy well adjusted childhood, no history of abuse, and like a pp those thoughts arrived with adolescence. If I feel in any way mentally fragile I step away from bdsm for a time as I'm self aware enough to know you could use it as a tool for self harming. In a way, for me, it's no different to how I like both men and women, it simply is. I'm wired up that way.

Personally I mainly get a kick out of giving up control. I have to take control in every other aspect of my life so in the bedroom it's peaceful to find a headspace where I don't have to do that. I like how it shows how much trust I have with my partner. I do switch to the other side occasionally and it makes me go a bit weak at the knees feeling desired in that way.

As for the pain thing, well it's probably the endorphins I love. I do a lot of exercise and it's a similar feeling with the contentment after. Choking would be a hard limit of mine however.

Thank you, you've really helped it all make a bit more sense for me. I do appreciate it.

It's basically very similar to people who like: extreme sports, horror films, rollercoasters, LARP etc. Dressing up and playing games. 'Safe' scares. Wanting to challenge yourself physically or mentally. If you're the one who likes to dish it out rather than take it, there are thrills associated with busting taboos, feeling all-powerful etc.

Not everyone likes this sort of thing. It's absolutely fine not to like it (and people who keep telling you that if you tried it you would like it are full of shit.) Sometimes people get into it later in life but that's usually because they have always had daydreams and fantasies about control and power and roleplay, and it only dawned on them in adulthood that they could actually have a go...

Oh that's a really interesting comparison because I absolutely don't understand why people like extreme sports or horror films either! Interesting

(I know I wouldn't like it, I'm not in the slightest bit tempted by BDSM or extreme sports!)

I like what I like........ Who knows why?

I don't care why I like being sexually dominated, and BDSM, only that I do like it. To be controlled sexually by a well-endowed stud has always turned me on, and that's that.