Toys....is it me?

[onone85]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 4.5yrs. We have 2 DC aged 7yrs and 7mths.
Sex has always been a bit of an issue - he has a high sex drive, I don’t. Before kids it was Better but body hang ups on my part/confidence/PND medication kinda affected things as you’d expect and it slowed and got ‘routine’.

Recently, without me knowing, he ordered a bundle of toys for us to try in the hope of spicing things up and ‘getting me going’ again. I don’t mind this and quite enjoyed it once I’d overcome the initial anxiety about it all but it seems to have taken over him. It’s suddenly all he goes on about, and has already ordered more stuff. It’s like he’s obsessed with the toys rather than the original purpose of buying them.

The thing which made me feel shit, and what I need advice on as to whether or not I’m being unreasonable, is that he’s bought himself, in his words, a ‘replica of a porn stars bum hole’ fleshlight. I asked him if he was joking and he said no. I snapped at him that I was sorry he found me so boring and his reply was that I couldn’t expect him to stick at missionary once every three weeks forever.. I feel more hurt by the comment more than the toy! He knows how self conscious I can be and that it’s not just ‘missionary’.. I actually enjoyed trying the new toys together he bought us prior to this one and told him so. And he knows this was a massive step for me.

Sorry if none of this makes sense I’m just so wound up.

Aibu to feel pissed off at what he said and his new obsession??

The toys sound great fine and as tho it reignited something for you.
The replica porno bunghole tho... that’s pretty grim, I’d be turned right off unless you chose it together for fun.
Maybe agree to get involved and then make it really comical so he’s too embarrassed to ever use the revolting thing again.

I think you there’s compromise needed in both sides here

Is it the fact that's it's supposedly a replica of a porn stars bum or the fact that it's a fleshlight that you have an issue with?

Sorry, I'll rephrase that as pornstar's anus before my anatomical knowledge gets flamed 😂

Booble - it’s the porn star thing I think. And the comments incinuating I’m boring. I’m not bothered about him having a fleshlight, and we had our own ‘bumfun’ before kids so it’s not like I am horrified at that, it’s the way he got excited about the fact it’s a replica of someone elses arsehole.
I’m probably being completely irrational but I feel like he wants to imagine what it’s like to be with someone else. If it was a big standard bum hole fleshlight then fair enough, I know he’s got a thing for it. It’s the knowing who’s bum hole it’s supposed to replicate that’s bothering me.

Feel I may I have thrown myself into the lions den slightly. And now I’ve read all this back I suppose it’s not like he’s gone out looking for someone else.. it’s a flaming toy.

Nevertheless I feel like shit.

I don't think you've thrown yourself to the lions at all. Had you said it was because it's a flashlight I'd have had an issue as it's clearly ok for women to use toys solo so it would be hypocritical to be upset at men doing the same.

The personalisation I can kind of appreciate, it's not wrong for you to be upset by it but I think it is more of a gimmick than anything and highly doubt it is actually much of a replica of her arsehole.

Does he watch much porn? Like is this pornstar even on his radar? Or is it just a name attached to a toy?

Yep, the porn thing was a bit of an issue when we met, I once walked in on him enjoying some actually. He was really embarrassed and hasn’t happened since but I dare say he still has a look.
I’ve no idea if he knows who the person is or not, I don’t ask.
I’m quite open minded and understand he has needs I can’t always meet as I’ve got two kids draining the life out of me most days.
Body image has always been a massive issue for me, I never felt good enough when we first met due to the porn and compared myself to these ‘stars’ that he likes to watch like a lot of women probably do. So I was surprised he emphasised the fact it replicated that.
I feel I’m being over sensitive but at the same time I just don’t feel like he’s considered my feelings on this one.
I’ve tried to imagine the boot on the other foot. He bought me a rabbit (which we’ve only ever used together) but I couldn’t imagine turning round and saying I’d purchased an exact replica of Tom Hardys man-bits to enjoy...

I understand that his comments were less than tactful and you might annoyed however looking at the big picture I think you are over reacting.
He obviously misses the intimate fun he had with you in the past which is difficult to replicate in the circumstances (family life etc.) At least he is trying to rekindle the fire you both once had which indicates he loves you and is attracted to you.
Women use numerous penis shaped toys for fun so it would be hypocritical to deny him something to play with to. The flashlight is an extremely popular male toy so perhaps it's better you relax and maybe join in on the experience with him.
He is only being honest and open that he would like the good times you had earlier in the relationship to return in some way.
You should ask him to be more tactful in future and perhaps shopping for toys together would me you get things you are both happy with.

I agree with the fleshlight = dildo equivalent. So I'd have no problem with my partner enjoying a try of something like that.

What strikes me is him ordering the toys without discussing it with you. It's a mutual sex life. It should have been a discussion and an agreement on what to buy.

I have a very good sex life and great communication but I'd be horrified at my DP going online and choosing sex toys without my input.

I also find your description of his gleeful excitement around the replica pornstar bunghole a bit creepy too Op. is he trying to goad you into something by making you jealous? Making it a real person for example.

You can buy an 18.5 inch replica dildo of a Trojan horse on Amazon. Just saying.....

I do think I may have over reacted..slightly. I spoke to him about it over Christmas, as you do. Not sure how true the “I bought that one so I knew it was based on a female, as I wasn’t sure if the other ones were modelled on men and didn’t want to buy a gay one” reason is but he seemed completely shocked at the whole thing and how I’d felt. Like I said before, I have no issue with him buying a fleshlight, it was the whole porn star thing.
Anyhoo, toys have definitely reignited something, things are loads better in that department with and without them, and, confidence wise, I’m like a new woman.

Thanks for all your perspectives on this. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas

The issue of sex toys for men is a little tricky. For some reason a porn star bum hole (or really any sex toy designed especially for men) seems much more gross than, say, a rabbit dildo with special clitoral stimulation. I don’t know if this is fair on men that their sexuality is so demeaned.

Yours trying very hard to be fair to the other sex

Hope you don't mind me asking @onone85, but DH and I are trying to re-ignite things too. Can I ask what toys you guys found good? Thanks!

@WhatToys I don’t mind at all. It really has done amazing things for my self confidence as well as totally transform our intimate life. He initially bought a rabbit vibrator, a dildo, a couple of things for him which I don’t know what there called (but basically like a rubbery tube which they put their fella in and rolls up and down... ) and some lube.
Then when they went well he ordered the bloody fleshlight in order to get a more expensive rabbit free. I have totally over reacted regarding the fleshlight and buying the toys has definitely been the best thing he’s ever done. It’s not something we’ve relied on every time but it’s most certainly reignited things.

Good luck