Hello LiftMeUp
I know you have asked for female perspective on this, but I read your post and the thread and thought I'd give you my thoughts as I've been through very similar with my wife.
We're both early 40's. Together 20+ years, married 15+ years. Four children. Both very much in love with each other. Financially secure. Keep ourselves in good shape. Both have hobbies that keep us busy. Share admin, childcare and housework.
I strongly agree with a few things already mentioned above. Firstly, communication looks like it's by far the biggest issue here. Second, if and when you do get to the bottom of what is going on, there are likely to be bigger issues – as you say the effect on sex will more than likely be the symptom. Third, this thread is probably better placed in "Relationships" rather than "Sex". However, love, intimacy and sex are so very intertwined (though not necessarily dependent) that it’s understandable why you posted here. I would suggest getting admin/mods to move to Relationships.
As I say, we've been married for 15+ years. Sadly, we've experienced our challenges for more than half that time. Bringing up four happy, healthy children has been a great joy but very hard work as most parents would agree. We have had issues with communication, intimacy and making time for our relationship. I have withdrawn physically because I have very little say in our love life. Bizarrely, pure sex can be mind blowingly good, however for me, intimacy and closeness are just as important if not more so.
My wife lost someone very close to her a number of years ago and together with a busy work and family life, time together as a couple dwindled and the relationship has suffered. I have always been keen to invest in the relationship. But have seen less and less desire from my wife to do so. Getting her to go away for a few days, which we have done several times, is a huge challenge of persuasion even though I sort out all the trips, childcare etc. I have led almost all attempts to address our challenges but I really don't want to drag someone along on a journey that they don't have desire for.
Unfortunately, she finds it very hard to talk about difficult things and just stonewalls me. I've asked myself and her, whether she simply isn't interested in me as a partner, lover or companion anymore, whether she has someone else, or wants someone else. I've assured her that, if this was the case, I'd prefer it if we went our separate ways and worked together to bring the children up as best we can. We have made a pact that we will do our best for them together. Financially, we will be fine to do so separately.
Over the years, my self-esteem has suffered hugely as a result. I’m now getting self-esteem back by focussing on my own self-worth and happiness.
The perplexing thing has been the realisation that she lives in fear of us splitting up, but doesn’t seem to want to put the effort into our relationship. What I’ve found out recently, and we’ve worked out together, is that she simply doesn’t have the emotional capacity to put into the relationship. She has admitted that she worries from one forthcoming event to the next. The current ‘event’ is Christmas. The next one that she knows she will be fretting about is a forthcoming weeklong school trip for one of our children (child looking forward to it a lot!) - and so on so on. She is the most amazing mother to our children and I think most things (not all) that she frets about revolve around not delivering the same happy childhood that she experienced, to our children. She will not accept external help with the house or children.
The reason I’ve gone into so much detail here is because i) the seem to be a few parallels to your story and ii) finding all this out has taken over half the marriage - that has been highly damaging. These challenges to be dealt with constructively or the marriage WILL continue to suffer. However, if someone will not communicate, you can’t force them, much as you might get frustrated.
Whilst some can live their lives like this, personally I can’t. If they won’t communicate, we must set our own boundaries and limits. You too must be honest & open with your wife and brave for yourself in setting and sticking to your own boundaries, no matter how scary they are.
Feel free to PM me Good luck.