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Original poster

whats okay and not okay

50 replies

Twinkerbell · 10/12/2017 16:47

Name changed for this
Fairly new relationship. Going well and very happy with the sex side of things, best I've ever had I think Hmm.
BUT.... I have been out of action sexually for quite a long time and out of the dating world for a very long time. I know times have changed and people are generally more adventurous and risque these days.
If I am honest I have longed for a real sexual connection and decent sexual experiences for many years and I definitely am having that, however he has ideas that I am not too sure about and I want to satisfy him as he is satisfying me... but I am not prepared to do things that are just not me. Its about balance right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkerbell · 10/12/2017 16:50

basically what is a definite NO NO!

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/12/2017 16:52

Anything you are not comfortable with is a no -no.

whomovedmychocolate · 10/12/2017 16:52

What is a NO is up to you. Just because he wants something doesn't mean you have to consent. But I urge you to talk about it with him. Openly and honestly. Good sex follows good communication.

lottieandmia22 · 10/12/2017 16:53

There is no generic answer to this. But if he’s pressuring you to do things you don’t want then that’s a red flag.

Original poster
Twinkerbell · 10/12/2017 16:59

No, he says he wont make me do anything I'm not happy with and its all about cultivating happiness and meeting each others needs. I know that.
I guess I just worry that I am inexperienced and need to come outside of my comfort zone a little?
Dressing up, spanking, nudist spa's ...........what are peoples thoughts on these things ?

OP posts:
peppykoala · 10/12/2017 17:03

Only come outside of your comfort zone if it's something you want to do though, not just because you think other people would.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of those things, it's totally personal preference. If it turns you on, give it a go, if it turns you off then be honest about that.

BuffyFan · 10/12/2017 17:04

It really is such a personal thing. But I'd stress that your opinions may - and are allowed to - change over time. What you may not be comfortable with now, you may love in a year, or 5. So start a conversation on that basis - the may be some things you're confident you may never want to do, other things where you're happy to consider in the future but not yet.

PinkHeart5914 · 10/12/2017 17:06

Anything is ok as long as you want to do it.

It doesn’t matter what us on here would or wouldn't do (I.e dressing up, spanking) all that matters is how comfortable you are with these things, if that sort of stuff doesn’t do it for you that’s ok and you don’t have to do it

WillowWept · 10/12/2017 17:08

I’m doesn’t matter what others think - it’s about personal desires and boundaries.

The fact he says he wont make me do anything I'm not happy with and its all about cultivating happiness and meeting each others needs makes me feel uncomfortable.

That’s a weird statement to make: your role is not to “meet his needs” and making you do something would make him a rapist. It’s weird he should feel the need to specify he won’t rape you.

whomovedmychocolate · 10/12/2017 17:10

Oh dear, he's trying to convert a muggle. Wink

Anything two consenting adults choose to do which is pleasurable and doesn't cause lasting damage is good to try at least once. You never know, you might like it. Just talk a lot first.

troodiedoo · 10/12/2017 17:11

Those are things for either a well established relationship or a casual hook up. Not a newly emerging union.

Porn has massively skewed men's people's expectations of sex.

Based on the very little you've said, I'd ltb.

Ohyesiam · 10/12/2017 17:12

You could give yourself permission to feel your way in? Give things a mild try and see how it feels?

troodiedoo · 10/12/2017 17:13

Should also add I've worked in OLD industry for 15 years.

SirGawain · 10/12/2017 18:16

WillowWept
"That’s a weird statement to make: your role is not to “meet his needs” and making you do something would make him a rapist. It’s weird he should feel the need to specify he won’t rape you."

If sex is not about meeting each others needs, (and therefore mutual pleasure), I'm not sure what it is about.

Surely his comment suggests that he respects to OPs wishes, not that he wants to ignore them.

PaintingByNumbers · 10/12/2017 18:25

I wouldnt like the way he phrased it either, its a bit passive agressive 'you would if you wanted to meet my needs'
Hmmmm are you sure you are well suited sexually? There is no right/wrong to this except that you both enjoy yourselves. I suppose I dont enjoy the vibe of the man pushing for things so maybe thats why I personally would be backing off at this point. Not that I actually have anything against some of that stuff. Can't be arsed with dressing up though.

lottieandmia22 · 10/12/2017 19:08

Nudist spas? So basically swinging...

Redglitter · 10/12/2017 19:10

basically what is a definite NO NO

No such thing. What's a definite no to one person can be a definite yes to someone else. It's what you're comfortable with that matters and if he's not happy with your decisions - tough

WillowWept · 10/12/2017 19:58

sirgawain

Sex is about mutual enjoyment. Totally different to meeting one parties “needs”

AkimboLimbo · 10/12/2017 20:47

Good sex is about meeting each other's needs but it must be in a mutually enjoyable way. Neither person should ever feel pressured into doing something they are not comfortable with. Both people need to enjoy what they are doing, not just going along with it to make the other person happy.

You can put your red lines anywhere you want them - it doesn't matter what other people do. Those lines can change over time. People change, tastes change.

Original poster
Twinkerbell · 10/12/2017 21:38

I don’t think he would make me do anything I didn’t want to do at all.
I’m not saying that, we have talked about stuff and what each other like etc.
He just talks about ‘some ‘ things that i haven’t done before and I’m not sure about. I have made it clear that I have my own boundaries and will keep them.
I suppose I’m asking what people are doing out there to see how ‘unusual’ things are.
And the comment about porn warping men’s expextations is right, it’s so readily available now they watch things and think they’re wife/ gf will do the same ? Do we... should we....?

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 10/12/2017 21:42

This is kind of a red flag. Just keep your wits about you. Hope it works out.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 10/12/2017 21:51

Are you fishing for people’s sex stories? Because that’s what it sounds like

VioletCharlotte · 10/12/2017 21:53

Hersymphony
Yes I thought that too...

Original poster
Twinkerbell · 10/12/2017 21:58

No!
I’m just genuinely wondering what people’s reactions are to the things Ive mentioned and are they things that people do ? Are they really out of the ordinary or am I just out of touch after not being in the dating: sexually active world for several years.
The whole Shades and Grey phenomenon seemed to take off in a big way so maybe that it’s what people are doing now and I am just out of touch

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 10/12/2017 22:05

God i'd hate a 50 shades amateur. There are some out there on old. I have to admit i've never taken them up on their.offers as I just thought it was code for crap lazy sex, but maybe not ....
I dont think naked spas are mainstream yet. Lingerie has always been a thing. Dressing up as furry animals, still niche. Spanking (who is doing it? If you, is he ex public school ;) )

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