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Wwyd? New partner/ED

11 replies

nothanksyesplease · 12/11/2017 12:49

Hoping someone here has been through similar

In September I went on a date with this insanely handsome and wonderful guy and had an amazing time, we met up once a week for the first month and more recently been seeing him about twice a week. We are pretty mad about each other but I'm cautious about rushing things, having said that...we've both spoken about how crazy we are about other and he's said he wants nothing more than to wake up beside me everyday. I'm smitten.

So the first time we had sex, it was lovely. Pretty standard mind you but definitely lovely! The second time was bloody fantastic, we were pretty intoxicated but again really enjoyable and so much chemistry going on

The third time he initially had an erection, lost it, and nothing I did could bring it back. I figured he was a little nervous. He seemed embarrassed and kept saying sorry, these things happen-I really wasn't overly bothered.

Then last night again he had an erection, managed penetration but within a minute or so it was gone. I didn't want to do like last time and try get it back for him as that might have been pressure on him to get it back so again he apologised, I reassured him it didn't matter, I was just so happy that we were together and absolutely loved just being close to him, but he looked so sad whilst we were at it!

The thing is, he's going through hell right now. Going through horrible court proceeding with his ex wife who won't let him see his DC which is obviously crushing him. So of COURSE he's going to be tired/stressed/emotionally exhausted etc etc etc and to be honest I'm not surprised in the slightest that this is affecting him in this way!

But I've never had experience of this and not entirely sure of the best way to broach this so hopefully this is where you lot come in Smile

I've had some very irrational thoughts, like...he looked really sad so perhaps that's because he's not having sex with his ex wife. This stayed with me last night and I felt really sad and hurt but I know this is all in my head and not a true indication of his actual feelings! (It was probably more down to the fact that he realised he was just about to lose his erection and was trying hard not to!) Also had thoughts of I don't do anything for him, I wasn't the one who initiated it so maybe I need to be more forthcoming in my advances and maybe I just don't turn him on etc etc. Don't want to blame myself but maybe he's quite shy in the sex department (he's yet to take off my bra!) or felt under pressure to perform or perhaps I wasn't able to make him feel relaxed. The thing is....with us being so 'new' I don't actually him all that well in the grand scheme of things so have no idea of what his sex life was like before or what he's actually like in the bedroom (from the first two times I think fairly vanilla but could have a fetish or two for all I know!)

Obviously I need to talk to him but it's difficult. I don't want him to feel embarrassed or awkward, and if it is because I just didn't quite float his boat then he's not going to tell me that anyway!

The fact that it's happened twice now might have him dreading the next time incase it happens a third so do I suggest we take sex off the menu for now? Feels like this big elephant in the room now but just got a message saying he'll do whatever it takes to 'fix' what's going on inside of him so I'm sure we can resolve this but just don't know where to start tbh

OP posts:
nothanksyesplease · 12/11/2017 16:14

Bumpety bump!

OP posts:
CredulousThickos · 12/11/2017 16:15

Does he use porn?

nothanksyesplease · 12/11/2017 17:02

I haven't asked but I'd assume so

OP posts:
Guavaf1sh · 12/11/2017 20:58

If he's going through court and has a lot of stress that's probably it - especially as he was functioning perfectly well beforehand

lostincumbria · 13/11/2017 08:15

The problem is, once it happens, the worry about it happening again causes it to happen again, and a vicious circle begins. Stress and worry are massive contributors. Certainly try to reduce alcohol prior to sex and also have some sessions where full on PiV sex is off the agenda and see if things improve. A cock ring can help keep the erection. Good luck!
sort themselves out.

lovemylover · 13/11/2017 09:50

Persevere,my partner had this problem, with time and patience it all came right
He was embarrassed because he thought he was small in that department, he isn't really, and once the erections came back he got his confidence back
Your fellas stress and worry might have something to do with it
Hope all turns out well, also being with a new partner and that happening will have made him anxious and embarrassed
Reassure him that you are willing to wait and I'm sure it will be worth it

nothanksyesplease · 13/11/2017 22:11

Lostincumbria - exactly. He was really embarrassed the first time it happened and so would've probably worried that it may happen again, it did.....so for it to happen a third time would not be good for his confidence.

Lovemylover - thank you. Great advice

Only thing is, I'm worried about saying let's not have sex for a while and potentially making it an even bigger issue! Hmmmm.... tricky one

OP posts:
lovemylover · 14/11/2017 06:38

Try BJs .that's how we got going at first

Josuk · 14/11/2017 15:58

OP - it happens. A lot more than we realise.
And men are fragile creatures where that happens. The next time - thwy worry and fret that it’ll happen again - and it does. It’s a vicious circle.
It has nothing to do with your attractiveness!!!!! It’s his head.

At not the piv sex that you need to take off the table - it’s the pressure to resurrect erection. If/when it happens again - just show him how he can get you to come in other ways.
Touch and hold him, but don’t keep tying to get him up.
Get some toys, maybe, so that he can pleasure you.
And - if it works - try giving him a bj.

Something similar happened with a friend of mine and her new bf. The poor man had had a crush on her for ever, and when they finally got together - he was so nervous. Kept losing his erecrion any time piv sex was attempted. But - when it happened - she didn’t make a big deal about it and they carried on orally, and with fingers, etc.
(And then she talked to me all 😳, and I kept telling her - just don’t draw his attention to it. Don’t make him even more nervous)
Now - it’s been over a year and they are having great sex. It all sorted itself out in a few weeks.

NotTheFordType · 15/11/2017 17:54

OK, in my personal life I've encountered this once with a partner where one time we were interrupted by my DS [cringe] and every time after that he lost his erection just as we were about to go for vaginal penetration.

What really helped was that we took vaginal sex off the table for the mean time and just stuck to oral. He was great at oral! But I also decided to try a "stealth attack!" where I basically got him hard with my hand then mounted up on top before he could really realise what was happening. (Obviously if you're not in a LTR this isn't good but we had fully discussed consent issued previously.)

From my client files, I would say that putting the condom on can cause immediate dick wilt. So using a female condom or a diaphragm can help with that, if it's a sensation issue.

HarmlessChap · 19/11/2017 23:45

If it persists he should go to the GP, a prescription for sildenafil citrate (generic viagra) may help him retain rigidity and may be enough to break the cycle of anxiety so he may not need to use it long term.

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